we thought this was the month. i was 3 days late. no spotting (i always spot for a few days before the tide rolls in), constipation, lumpy sore boobs. all symptoms pointing to.. holy crap we actually accomplished our goal... nope. i'm empty... empty.. empty. i realize its like the worst word but for me that's always the one that best describes the feeling of day one. i'm empty. i've been grasping at the last few days hoping and dreaming, guestimating my due date blah blah blah. i don't like to test cuz might as well hang on to positive feelings for another hour if i can. i of course every month swear that this next cycle i'm gonna grow up and just take a test when normal girls do and just find out. we'll see.
i had already started thinking of how we'd tell people. i was gonna tell chad on new years. when we kiss at midnight i was gonna tell him that he's gonna be a dad in 2012 and he'd flip out... i had thought about my mom's face when i told her, i'd thought about how i'd tell my infertile homies that i've gotten the privilege to befriend over the last few years... i pictured calling chad's dad and yelling out in unison "we're pregnant!", and how tickled to death chad's mom would be as well.
before i opened this page up i bought a new pack of 30 ovulation test strips for the monitor. p.s. i love the clearblue easy fertility monitor. its expensive and only took me 2 years to bite the bullet and get one but I LOVE IT. its not just tracking LH, before you ovulate your body releases more estrogen than normal and it tracks that elevation as well... so you go from one bar (like a cell phone signal, one bar is no good), then when it detects the estrogen you get 2 bars "high fertility" (start doing it if you aren't already in other words), then 3 bars means LH your gonna ovulate soon get to work son. big fan. huge fan. it relieves a lot of the stress around my worries of if i am gonna ovulate.. once i get the 2 bars i know my body is doing what it should and the 3 bars are only days away. if you are one of my fertility challenged friends, get it.
so yeah talk about a gamete of emotions today. woke up with more confidence than ever before that i was pregnant. i had no signs pointing to empty. i usually have at least one reason to think i'm not. not this time. had a normal day at work. walked. ate. went to shower and what the fu*?#@! there it is. booooooooo!!!
on the way home from work i was feeling relieved and thankful that the journey was wrapping up and i was getting released from the burden. i still feel that way cuz for the most part i don't worry about it like i used to. i'm not starving for a baby like i was a year or 2 ago. i'd really like to be a mom. i'd really like to not have to upset my husband month after month when i have to tell him that he's still not gonna be a dad yet. i know he hurts more for me than himself.
i've been changed by the experience. i sweat the small stuff less. i'm not looking to be in constant crisis just to have something to talk about. i'm just trying to live and enjoy what i do have. i'm not basking in thankfullness and awe like i'd like to be but i know that i'm lucky to be who i am. many go through life not enjoying who they get to be. thats something to be sad about. i am not a mom yet. i will be, that much i know. the time part is what keeps me growing and writing and trying to be helpful to others that are just hitting the iceberg.
this blog is all over.. i'm sitting in front of the tv rather than in the office in the quiet with my thoughts. i'm too absorbed in a tattoo show so i'm gonna wrap this up and escape into tv land for the night.
at the end of these things just know that we are ok. Chad and I will be parents one day. we all want what we want right now. it isn't about deserving or being entitled to anything. God doesn't discriminate when He/She's doling out little ones. God knows what we desire and thankfully i get to ask as much as I want and that's cool. God will never give up on me, and i will do my damnedest to never lose sight of the strengthened faith that the struggle with fertility has solidified in me. i'm better because of this. i refuse to let this turn me sideways. i refuse to be a burden on people or a whiner just because God isn't a genie granting my every wish. that's not how faith works. gotta go this show is getting good..... hmmm time for a new tattoo
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
infertility... cure or kryptonite?
i don't usually write about how i feel the on day 2. right so i started yesterday and it came of course as no surprise. i just know when its about to hit. i'd know even if i wasn't counting. i shy away from writing about it for all to see on the day of because i don't want this to be a complaining session. the last thing anyone needs is another reason to not be thankful... right thankful.. yes i realize tis the season to be all festive and happy. when you deal with delayed fertility the holidays blow.
yesterday (day 1) was ok. i felt it was coming when i snapped at chad over something trivial and had been feeling crampy. side note: i don't like taking pregnancy tests. i have to be like 2 weeks late to take one (2 weeks late used to be a regular occurance so you understand). there's just something about the not knowing and hoping that i cling to when i'm waiting on my period. i'd rather just dream for 1 more day. oh nostalgia! anyhoo since i've been so regular the last 5-6 months i haven't had to wait too long to find out that i'm still empty. i'm still kinda driving on the fumes of regularity that i'm not devastated or screaming at God. i did get a little pitiful today when we went to ikea and it was invested with pregnant gals. they had taken over the building i'm not kidding. that kinda pissed me off but its nothing new. i was thinking last night, is this a test of my faith. i've felt that feeling of course before but i've not written about it because i don't want anyone to lose hope because of what i'm writing. i've had moments in the past where i'd rant and rave and cry out to God mad as a hornet. i know that the test comes from my own desire within to give up and do the wrong thing (james 1). i know i have come to the brink many times in dealing with my faith and infertility that i've wanted to curse God and throw my desire for children away just to be arrogant. just to look up at the stars and say "i don't want this, and if i can't have a baby, then you can't have me." it feels terrible to type that. infertility can either be my cure or my kryptonite (that'll be the title of this blog post). i have to choose my faith before anything else. that kid will know about my faith. i will encourage him/her to have a relationship with God and they will look to chad and i to help them build it. this rough patch in my life will be a measure of my faiths strength. they don't call long-suffering long-suffering for nothin'.
day one used to be a tear fest. crying and sulking, begging God to just freaking give us a baby! i don't know if time has made it easier or if i have matured in this patience lesson but now its just par for the course. its just a dull, rhythmic, neutral blah. is blah a noun? i don't know if my reaction being so beige is good or bad. its probably somewhere in the middle ( i am registered independent so that'd fit). i've been asked by a few people lately if i'm gonna try the meds again or go to a new doc. i don't know. my answer today is no. i know that i am stubborn and my answered changed before to "yes" in april of 2010 and off to the doc's we went. the doors couldn't have been more open. and yet here i sit 20 months later with no baby. do i want to know why? yes, but i'm pretty confident the answer is not on this side of heaven. and i don't need to know why (i used to need to know why... control much?). it used to be a roller coaster, what with the monthly excitement of the 2 week wait and then the disappointment that ensues after the 2ww. now its just my roller coaster has turned into a train that is on a flat surface traveling in a circle. no ups no downs nothing epic.
the thing that really sucks about not being pregnant this time around is that there will be no sonograms for christmas. i have dreamed about that for so long and man i wish we could have that experience! but hey christmas is about 30 days away so maybe i'll take a pregnancy test on christmas morning.... anyone up for a game of "good idea, bad idea". yikes. i feel like i should pray...
God i'm flailing a bit here. asking questions i know won't get me anywhere. i'm frustrated by the distractions of my dad and brother. i am pissed at them both for letting me and so many others down. i need you to help me forgive and i pray you will be able to infiltrate their lives somehow. help me to have the right words that come from love and keep me from stoking the fires that they are afflicted with. i'm sorry for how angry i've been over the last 6 months when dealing with my family. i have questioned not only my ability to forgive but also to unconditionally love. i know both those things come from you and i really need a double dose of each. thank you for the friends chad and i have. some of them are closer than members of our families and we are so thankful for such unique relationships. God you know how much i want to be a mom. You know how Chad hurts over our fertility issues and how he feels helpless when it comes to my sadness about it. Thank you for not allowing infertility to separate us. i know it ruins marriages and losing ours would truly be devastating in comparison to infertility. help me to remember that Chad is my first gift. we are co-captains weathering both smooth and choppy waters as one. he will be the most amazing dad and i can't wait to see it. i dream about it and i'm so excited that i get to parent with him. it'll be like christmas every day. thank you for bringing other new friends into my life that are going through fertility woes. i pray that i can be of any help. its unique for each of us in how we go about it and deal but at the root the pain is the same. i'm honored that i can be used in this way and will try my best to always be real about it. you know this sucks and you can't make it pretty. its the result of what you do with the ugly that really matters and that's my goal. give us strength. bind the selfish reactions far from us. remind us to handle each day as it comes because tomorrow has its own importance.
i love you, thank you for letting me be candid. thank you for allowing us to have the audacity to ask for more, and for having the grace to give abundantly more than what we ask for.
last God please comfort my infertile friends. it hurts, and most of them are going through the stabbing shearing pain of unmet desire. it won't completely go away without a pregnancy so for those that won't experience the blessing soon i pray you'll give them the peace that i have. a little hope goes so far. remind them that You haven't forgotten. we are women and you gotta remember that we really like to know that we've been heard. :)
amen.
yesterday (day 1) was ok. i felt it was coming when i snapped at chad over something trivial and had been feeling crampy. side note: i don't like taking pregnancy tests. i have to be like 2 weeks late to take one (2 weeks late used to be a regular occurance so you understand). there's just something about the not knowing and hoping that i cling to when i'm waiting on my period. i'd rather just dream for 1 more day. oh nostalgia! anyhoo since i've been so regular the last 5-6 months i haven't had to wait too long to find out that i'm still empty. i'm still kinda driving on the fumes of regularity that i'm not devastated or screaming at God. i did get a little pitiful today when we went to ikea and it was invested with pregnant gals. they had taken over the building i'm not kidding. that kinda pissed me off but its nothing new. i was thinking last night, is this a test of my faith. i've felt that feeling of course before but i've not written about it because i don't want anyone to lose hope because of what i'm writing. i've had moments in the past where i'd rant and rave and cry out to God mad as a hornet. i know that the test comes from my own desire within to give up and do the wrong thing (james 1). i know i have come to the brink many times in dealing with my faith and infertility that i've wanted to curse God and throw my desire for children away just to be arrogant. just to look up at the stars and say "i don't want this, and if i can't have a baby, then you can't have me." it feels terrible to type that. infertility can either be my cure or my kryptonite (that'll be the title of this blog post). i have to choose my faith before anything else. that kid will know about my faith. i will encourage him/her to have a relationship with God and they will look to chad and i to help them build it. this rough patch in my life will be a measure of my faiths strength. they don't call long-suffering long-suffering for nothin'.
day one used to be a tear fest. crying and sulking, begging God to just freaking give us a baby! i don't know if time has made it easier or if i have matured in this patience lesson but now its just par for the course. its just a dull, rhythmic, neutral blah. is blah a noun? i don't know if my reaction being so beige is good or bad. its probably somewhere in the middle ( i am registered independent so that'd fit). i've been asked by a few people lately if i'm gonna try the meds again or go to a new doc. i don't know. my answer today is no. i know that i am stubborn and my answered changed before to "yes" in april of 2010 and off to the doc's we went. the doors couldn't have been more open. and yet here i sit 20 months later with no baby. do i want to know why? yes, but i'm pretty confident the answer is not on this side of heaven. and i don't need to know why (i used to need to know why... control much?). it used to be a roller coaster, what with the monthly excitement of the 2 week wait and then the disappointment that ensues after the 2ww. now its just my roller coaster has turned into a train that is on a flat surface traveling in a circle. no ups no downs nothing epic.
the thing that really sucks about not being pregnant this time around is that there will be no sonograms for christmas. i have dreamed about that for so long and man i wish we could have that experience! but hey christmas is about 30 days away so maybe i'll take a pregnancy test on christmas morning.... anyone up for a game of "good idea, bad idea". yikes. i feel like i should pray...
God i'm flailing a bit here. asking questions i know won't get me anywhere. i'm frustrated by the distractions of my dad and brother. i am pissed at them both for letting me and so many others down. i need you to help me forgive and i pray you will be able to infiltrate their lives somehow. help me to have the right words that come from love and keep me from stoking the fires that they are afflicted with. i'm sorry for how angry i've been over the last 6 months when dealing with my family. i have questioned not only my ability to forgive but also to unconditionally love. i know both those things come from you and i really need a double dose of each. thank you for the friends chad and i have. some of them are closer than members of our families and we are so thankful for such unique relationships. God you know how much i want to be a mom. You know how Chad hurts over our fertility issues and how he feels helpless when it comes to my sadness about it. Thank you for not allowing infertility to separate us. i know it ruins marriages and losing ours would truly be devastating in comparison to infertility. help me to remember that Chad is my first gift. we are co-captains weathering both smooth and choppy waters as one. he will be the most amazing dad and i can't wait to see it. i dream about it and i'm so excited that i get to parent with him. it'll be like christmas every day. thank you for bringing other new friends into my life that are going through fertility woes. i pray that i can be of any help. its unique for each of us in how we go about it and deal but at the root the pain is the same. i'm honored that i can be used in this way and will try my best to always be real about it. you know this sucks and you can't make it pretty. its the result of what you do with the ugly that really matters and that's my goal. give us strength. bind the selfish reactions far from us. remind us to handle each day as it comes because tomorrow has its own importance.
i love you, thank you for letting me be candid. thank you for allowing us to have the audacity to ask for more, and for having the grace to give abundantly more than what we ask for.
last God please comfort my infertile friends. it hurts, and most of them are going through the stabbing shearing pain of unmet desire. it won't completely go away without a pregnancy so for those that won't experience the blessing soon i pray you'll give them the peace that i have. a little hope goes so far. remind them that You haven't forgotten. we are women and you gotta remember that we really like to know that we've been heard. :)
amen.
Friday, November 18, 2011
who will she be once it happens?
i've been thinking A LOT lately about how things will be once baby K is here. i know the time is coming. i know that may sound nuts after how long we've waited but these fertility chapters are starting to transition. its been gradual but i see looking back so many rebuilds along the way. this lady has gone through much needed de and re construction.
i was talking with a newer friend about my worry that once i get pregnant and enter the world i have only dreamed about that i won't remember how i got there. i've seen so many girls who've gone through this throw away the experience with little thought once they get what they want. is that bad? no, they have a new experience to go through and new challenges and thrills that accompany parenthood. its just i don't want to take this journey for granted once i get pregnant. i don't want to forget how important this has been. infertility has changed my life. its broken me down to my absolute core and forced me to take hold of whats important. wanting to be a parent and not being able to do that is crushing and a takes a girl through so much self doubt, fear, anger, depression, lethargy, and uselessness. i know we are in 2011 but still our basic instincts tell us that one of our jobs is to bear children. when you get the need to do that and its not working you don't feel like much of a woman.
The "infertility pill" is a little tougher to swallow during the holidays. christmases keep rolling by and yet again we don't have that 1st sonogram picture tucked away in an envelope titled "to annie, love jess and chad" (annie is what my neice and nephew call my mom). i can't wait to tell my mom one day that we are pregnant. that day will be amazing. she hurts for me. she wants to empathize and be helpful so much that i feel like i have to protect her from my infertility. she's been put through so much bullshit in the last few years that i hate that she takes on my burden even if its only a little bit. but see, when i do get pregnant it'll be so encouraging for her. she will be able to yet again witness another miracle. God hasn't forgotten us, especially when we feel like there is no hope. i think i'm learning to not wait until i have lost all hope to turn to God. My faith that there is something greater at hand should always be my first resort. i'm getting there. boy howdy am i not even close but i'm working on it. the good thing about being human is that we are never quite finished. thank God for that!
as you know i walk the lake a bunch and the other day i was just gonna take it easy and skip walking. it was last saturday i think. i was just gonna watch my shows and be lazy (because i have no children this is still an option for me so eat your heart out mommies). well chad decided that saturday he was gonna find a way to get that damned flat screen up on the wall. since we painted and moved stuff around its just been in the middle of the tv room with wires galor (which drive us nuts). well of course me watching my shows was not gonna happen (because we agreed long ago having more than one tv would sabotage any chance of us hanging out in the same room) so i said screw it i'm gonna go walk. i felt like i needed to pay extra attention like i was going to learn or see something new when i was walking. bear in mind i've walked around lake hollingsworth a billion times... so to set the scene about a month ago a two fat stark white ducks (i call them a "duckle" because they are obviously romantically involved) moved into the lake on the east side where most of the mallards are. i noticed them because obviously they stick out like sore thumbs and don't fit in with the beautiful mallards that are half the size and the mallards are plenty in number (super fertile). the duckle are always together and i mean every day i walk there they are. they'd be hand in hand if they didn't have wings and they are always exclusively to themselves. now anyone who's looking for a sign of course sees this duckle and says, "thats me and chad. unique and special, set aside for a big purpose" (don't judge). anyhooo so last saturday i'm walking and looking for what compelled me to walk the lake and i came around the bend and was approaching the usual hang out spot and saw that my little friends were swimming with the mallards as one big happy family. here's my take home lesson. you ready for it?... my current worry is that ill forget this important time in my life when i get pregnant and have a baby. seeing all the ducks together swimming and just enjoying the lake gave me peace that though we will soon "join the crowd" we are all still unique because all the ducks have different purposes that serve the whole. many of our journeys won't take a lifetime to be completed, they will just be bridges that connect each dot to make up a beautiful picture. if we saw the picture before we started working on it the meaning is lost.
i was talking with a newer friend about my worry that once i get pregnant and enter the world i have only dreamed about that i won't remember how i got there. i've seen so many girls who've gone through this throw away the experience with little thought once they get what they want. is that bad? no, they have a new experience to go through and new challenges and thrills that accompany parenthood. its just i don't want to take this journey for granted once i get pregnant. i don't want to forget how important this has been. infertility has changed my life. its broken me down to my absolute core and forced me to take hold of whats important. wanting to be a parent and not being able to do that is crushing and a takes a girl through so much self doubt, fear, anger, depression, lethargy, and uselessness. i know we are in 2011 but still our basic instincts tell us that one of our jobs is to bear children. when you get the need to do that and its not working you don't feel like much of a woman.
The "infertility pill" is a little tougher to swallow during the holidays. christmases keep rolling by and yet again we don't have that 1st sonogram picture tucked away in an envelope titled "to annie, love jess and chad" (annie is what my neice and nephew call my mom). i can't wait to tell my mom one day that we are pregnant. that day will be amazing. she hurts for me. she wants to empathize and be helpful so much that i feel like i have to protect her from my infertility. she's been put through so much bullshit in the last few years that i hate that she takes on my burden even if its only a little bit. but see, when i do get pregnant it'll be so encouraging for her. she will be able to yet again witness another miracle. God hasn't forgotten us, especially when we feel like there is no hope. i think i'm learning to not wait until i have lost all hope to turn to God. My faith that there is something greater at hand should always be my first resort. i'm getting there. boy howdy am i not even close but i'm working on it. the good thing about being human is that we are never quite finished. thank God for that!
as you know i walk the lake a bunch and the other day i was just gonna take it easy and skip walking. it was last saturday i think. i was just gonna watch my shows and be lazy (because i have no children this is still an option for me so eat your heart out mommies). well chad decided that saturday he was gonna find a way to get that damned flat screen up on the wall. since we painted and moved stuff around its just been in the middle of the tv room with wires galor (which drive us nuts). well of course me watching my shows was not gonna happen (because we agreed long ago having more than one tv would sabotage any chance of us hanging out in the same room) so i said screw it i'm gonna go walk. i felt like i needed to pay extra attention like i was going to learn or see something new when i was walking. bear in mind i've walked around lake hollingsworth a billion times... so to set the scene about a month ago a two fat stark white ducks (i call them a "duckle" because they are obviously romantically involved) moved into the lake on the east side where most of the mallards are. i noticed them because obviously they stick out like sore thumbs and don't fit in with the beautiful mallards that are half the size and the mallards are plenty in number (super fertile). the duckle are always together and i mean every day i walk there they are. they'd be hand in hand if they didn't have wings and they are always exclusively to themselves. now anyone who's looking for a sign of course sees this duckle and says, "thats me and chad. unique and special, set aside for a big purpose" (don't judge). anyhooo so last saturday i'm walking and looking for what compelled me to walk the lake and i came around the bend and was approaching the usual hang out spot and saw that my little friends were swimming with the mallards as one big happy family. here's my take home lesson. you ready for it?... my current worry is that ill forget this important time in my life when i get pregnant and have a baby. seeing all the ducks together swimming and just enjoying the lake gave me peace that though we will soon "join the crowd" we are all still unique because all the ducks have different purposes that serve the whole. many of our journeys won't take a lifetime to be completed, they will just be bridges that connect each dot to make up a beautiful picture. if we saw the picture before we started working on it the meaning is lost.
Friday, October 28, 2011
told God i won't take no for an answer... is that so bad? :)
you laugh, but i actually did. then He laughed then i felt a little silly because jokes on me. I asked for a baby and he gave me just that.. a baby.. now before you congratulate me and get all emotional please realize that the baby i got is about 16 ounces completely covered in black fur and has yellowish orange eyes. God said here's your baby for now kostella's see if you can parent this helpless stray kitten. and you know that's exactly what i equated our new little friend too. haha very funny and p.s. thanks! i really like her and i HATE cats.
but lets get real, he hasn't said "no".. never has said "no" its been "yes its going to happen, you just have to wait a little longer. i'll keep refreshing you along the way just don't get all pissy like you know you want to." thankfully His love covers me even when i have foul thoughts about being one of the lucky one's chosen to go through this.
i started my period yesterday.. i knew it was coming but its amazing how quickly you talk yourself out of knowing its coming because you want so deeply to not feel that period symptom and you explain it away w/"oh it must be gas", or of course "am i pregnant?" thoughts. this was my 4th cycle since quitting the clomid. i'm still amazed that i have been totally regular the last 4 months. its still such a huge relief to experience trusting my body that i feel so much less disappointment when i start. before it was like all hands on deck when i'd finally start a new cycle and the stress and pressure of hoping i'd ovulate and not knowing when or if i would was excruciating. my "offness" made me feel like it was my last chance every time cuz i may not have another cycle to try on for 2-3 months. what a difference! thank you Lord for this huge miracle. after lets see... 19 years of irregular periods i finally get to feel normal! whoop! there it is. big time.
chad even said a few days ago that he feels like since we took a break from the meds that it feels like we are just starting. he's right. it feels totally different now to try getting pregnant than it did even just a year ago....speaking of a year ago...
my first clomid cycle i started in october of last year and we were in San Fransisco when i ovulated on it and boy howdy was that exciting. i was so amped. i knew the odds of it working on the first shot were low but i'm hellbent on being optimistic with every single cycle that i get. focusing on future cycles when you are currently on one seems counter-productive. each cycle is a gift and deserves full attention. that was by far the closest we'd yet come to getting pregnant in 2 years. we'd increased our odds. the stats were more on our side than ever. just knowing that was thrilling.
i remember starting my period and still being so excited about clomid that it wasn't that devastating b/c the meds journey was just starting. half.. HALF of the chicks that use clomid get knocked up w/in 6 months! holy macaroni i could be pregnant by spring 2011! ..... but, i wasn't. odds are if clomid didn't work within 6 cycles the % of success drastically drops w/subsequent cycles. we did a 7th and i had to have a break from it (which you've read about previously). i was up to 150 mg's and adding prometrium to the cocktail made me feel terrible. down depressed irritable like you wouldn't believe, and weepy. like just the hint of a 3 part harmony and i was a ball of tears.
its funny the side-effects of clomid just make life feel gross. i felt gross. talk about counterproductive when it comes to sex!
-angry at God.
-mad at myself for all the mistakes i've made in life that make me feel like i don't deserve to want this baby.
- depressed that i have friends that were pregnant w/their 2nd and 3rd children all of which were conceived after we started trying.
-seeing all things as negative and not willing to look for any redeeming value. looking for the good in anything at the time seemed like i was just reaching to make others feel better about my infertility. hiding behind quit wit and the redirection of my sadness focused on you not me.
now i still try to keep my conversations away from my fertility delays. i still find myself not wanting people to feel sorry for me. i want to make them feel better about it because i do have so much in the world that is awesome. i am encouraged in my world by my husband, family and friends to be me. i am totally comfortable in my own skin and am proud of that (not in a cocky way but i do really enjoy hanging out with me). i know that i will be a mother. there is no doubt in my mind. i can't imagine doing this with out my faith.. i know that if i didn't fully know that God was using this to better me i would without a doubt be drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol ending up on that "intervention" tv show... "my name is jessica.. j-e-s-s-i-c-a and i'm addicted to a...b...c.. and v...for vicatin."
there is no doubt i'm becoming better because of this. i'm not doing cartwheels about the struggle and journey (I don't cheer when I have to go by tampons). I've just calmed down about it and focused on what i have rather than what i don't. i used to think i could honestly say to God, "listen i'll never ask for anything else again if You'll just do this one thing." bartering, begging, demanding like i couldn't breathe with out this baby. He has come to the rescue and given me a new trick... i can relax ... ready? watch this........ exhale... breath in deep.....
this will happen i can't rush it, and i can't slow it down. that's all there is to it. simple. i am in control of whether or not i choose to un-simplify it. now will i be sad? of course! i simply want to be a mommy and not to just cats and dogs! i'm sad but that will not be who i am. i am a lot more than infertile. i've got jobs to do like be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, musician, employee (yes i spent a moment with the order). i could be doing better in all those "positions" and one day i get to add mother (right after wife) to it!
a few new people have been introduced to me b/c of fertility and w/in this last month they have read my blog. this of course made me want to read my blog too to see what it is i'm saying! i was nervous to read through it b/c i'm hoping that it makes sense to them as they scan it and most importantly hoping it helps. i had a moment of fear thinking that it might make them feel sad. i mean my most recent entry is about putting behind the last 3 years as if i'd earned something by waiting so long. i thought man if i was one of these girls reading this i hope they don't feel like it's going to be that long for them as well. i'm relieved that it seems to be more encouraging than discouraging. that was the point of blogging. i want to paint a real picture of what i've dealt with... what WE'VE dealt with... i do that a lot (write "i" or "me" or "I've" and usually backspace to re-type to include the chad) sorry babe i know you are just as much a part of this but it is certainly different for the dad-to-be to go through infertility (different not meaning better or worse, just different).
any ways i thought as a christian, blogging about infertility will be a delicate topic but if i type about it so as to not offend it won't be honest (if its not honest its pointless). God knows exactly how i feel and allows me to "speak freely" when i pray so that's what i have to do if i blog about it (profanity and all). its a roller coaster/freak show/circus act to go through the ups and downs of infertility and I am determined to be better because of it.
the writer Holly Gerth says it best that it is truly "ok to not be ok". thats human. christians are human. i am sooooo human. just like everyone else we fail, we want, we complain, we judge, we forget what's important and we have triumphs, compassion, forgiveness, and success. infertility takes a girl through all of that. over and over in no particular order at all :)
thanks for reading this those of you who do. i'm longwinded and all over the place (that i discovered when i read through it all last week) and i know you all love me anyways or even because of that and it means a lot to be cared for so much. feeling lucky at 5:39 october 28th 2011 and i'm not even ovulating :)
but lets get real, he hasn't said "no".. never has said "no" its been "yes its going to happen, you just have to wait a little longer. i'll keep refreshing you along the way just don't get all pissy like you know you want to." thankfully His love covers me even when i have foul thoughts about being one of the lucky one's chosen to go through this.
i started my period yesterday.. i knew it was coming but its amazing how quickly you talk yourself out of knowing its coming because you want so deeply to not feel that period symptom and you explain it away w/"oh it must be gas", or of course "am i pregnant?" thoughts. this was my 4th cycle since quitting the clomid. i'm still amazed that i have been totally regular the last 4 months. its still such a huge relief to experience trusting my body that i feel so much less disappointment when i start. before it was like all hands on deck when i'd finally start a new cycle and the stress and pressure of hoping i'd ovulate and not knowing when or if i would was excruciating. my "offness" made me feel like it was my last chance every time cuz i may not have another cycle to try on for 2-3 months. what a difference! thank you Lord for this huge miracle. after lets see... 19 years of irregular periods i finally get to feel normal! whoop! there it is. big time.
chad even said a few days ago that he feels like since we took a break from the meds that it feels like we are just starting. he's right. it feels totally different now to try getting pregnant than it did even just a year ago....speaking of a year ago...
my first clomid cycle i started in october of last year and we were in San Fransisco when i ovulated on it and boy howdy was that exciting. i was so amped. i knew the odds of it working on the first shot were low but i'm hellbent on being optimistic with every single cycle that i get. focusing on future cycles when you are currently on one seems counter-productive. each cycle is a gift and deserves full attention. that was by far the closest we'd yet come to getting pregnant in 2 years. we'd increased our odds. the stats were more on our side than ever. just knowing that was thrilling.
i remember starting my period and still being so excited about clomid that it wasn't that devastating b/c the meds journey was just starting. half.. HALF of the chicks that use clomid get knocked up w/in 6 months! holy macaroni i could be pregnant by spring 2011! ..... but, i wasn't. odds are if clomid didn't work within 6 cycles the % of success drastically drops w/subsequent cycles. we did a 7th and i had to have a break from it (which you've read about previously). i was up to 150 mg's and adding prometrium to the cocktail made me feel terrible. down depressed irritable like you wouldn't believe, and weepy. like just the hint of a 3 part harmony and i was a ball of tears.
its funny the side-effects of clomid just make life feel gross. i felt gross. talk about counterproductive when it comes to sex!
-angry at God.
-mad at myself for all the mistakes i've made in life that make me feel like i don't deserve to want this baby.
- depressed that i have friends that were pregnant w/their 2nd and 3rd children all of which were conceived after we started trying.
-seeing all things as negative and not willing to look for any redeeming value. looking for the good in anything at the time seemed like i was just reaching to make others feel better about my infertility. hiding behind quit wit and the redirection of my sadness focused on you not me.
now i still try to keep my conversations away from my fertility delays. i still find myself not wanting people to feel sorry for me. i want to make them feel better about it because i do have so much in the world that is awesome. i am encouraged in my world by my husband, family and friends to be me. i am totally comfortable in my own skin and am proud of that (not in a cocky way but i do really enjoy hanging out with me). i know that i will be a mother. there is no doubt in my mind. i can't imagine doing this with out my faith.. i know that if i didn't fully know that God was using this to better me i would without a doubt be drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol ending up on that "intervention" tv show... "my name is jessica.. j-e-s-s-i-c-a and i'm addicted to a...b...c.. and v...for vicatin."
there is no doubt i'm becoming better because of this. i'm not doing cartwheels about the struggle and journey (I don't cheer when I have to go by tampons). I've just calmed down about it and focused on what i have rather than what i don't. i used to think i could honestly say to God, "listen i'll never ask for anything else again if You'll just do this one thing." bartering, begging, demanding like i couldn't breathe with out this baby. He has come to the rescue and given me a new trick... i can relax ... ready? watch this........ exhale... breath in deep.....
this will happen i can't rush it, and i can't slow it down. that's all there is to it. simple. i am in control of whether or not i choose to un-simplify it. now will i be sad? of course! i simply want to be a mommy and not to just cats and dogs! i'm sad but that will not be who i am. i am a lot more than infertile. i've got jobs to do like be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, musician, employee (yes i spent a moment with the order). i could be doing better in all those "positions" and one day i get to add mother (right after wife) to it!
a few new people have been introduced to me b/c of fertility and w/in this last month they have read my blog. this of course made me want to read my blog too to see what it is i'm saying! i was nervous to read through it b/c i'm hoping that it makes sense to them as they scan it and most importantly hoping it helps. i had a moment of fear thinking that it might make them feel sad. i mean my most recent entry is about putting behind the last 3 years as if i'd earned something by waiting so long. i thought man if i was one of these girls reading this i hope they don't feel like it's going to be that long for them as well. i'm relieved that it seems to be more encouraging than discouraging. that was the point of blogging. i want to paint a real picture of what i've dealt with... what WE'VE dealt with... i do that a lot (write "i" or "me" or "I've" and usually backspace to re-type to include the chad) sorry babe i know you are just as much a part of this but it is certainly different for the dad-to-be to go through infertility (different not meaning better or worse, just different).
any ways i thought as a christian, blogging about infertility will be a delicate topic but if i type about it so as to not offend it won't be honest (if its not honest its pointless). God knows exactly how i feel and allows me to "speak freely" when i pray so that's what i have to do if i blog about it (profanity and all). its a roller coaster/freak show/circus act to go through the ups and downs of infertility and I am determined to be better because of it.
the writer Holly Gerth says it best that it is truly "ok to not be ok". thats human. christians are human. i am sooooo human. just like everyone else we fail, we want, we complain, we judge, we forget what's important and we have triumphs, compassion, forgiveness, and success. infertility takes a girl through all of that. over and over in no particular order at all :)
thanks for reading this those of you who do. i'm longwinded and all over the place (that i discovered when i read through it all last week) and i know you all love me anyways or even because of that and it means a lot to be cared for so much. feeling lucky at 5:39 october 28th 2011 and i'm not even ovulating :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
putting the past where it belongs
so maybe its just me but i find that i've found some sort of comfort toughness in saying things like "we've been trying for 3 years".. like the time frame makes us stronger in some way. and i won't lie the fertility trek has really refashioned me in ways i would've never believed it could. some things i'm sad about.. like the ablility to be buffaloed by myself.. its no secret but i guess i have over looked it for over 3 years. from age 20 up until about december 2010 i was extraordinarily unhealthy. i was a pack a day smoker for years. i could drink a 250 lb man under the table 5 nights a week, and we're not talking wine coolers. i preferred whiskey (((shakes head))). didn't exercise. didn't sleep enough. ate like a 13 year old boy (all things beige minus ketchup). as i've written about in the past i have changed a lot of habits in the last 6-9 months. before i'd just cut out alchohol for a few weeks hoping that change would help get me pregnant. when that didn't work i'd quit smoking for a few months and pick up the drinking again. when that didn't work i'd go on a diet to get some nutrients into my system. it was like i was half-assing my attempts. i thought honestly that once i was knocked up all those habits would have to change and i'd be forced to do it all. so yeah i can say all day that we've been "trying for 3 years" but i was not committing myself completely to the goal i had in mind.
now a days i walk that lake rain or shine 5-6 days a week. i do some minor weight training for my loaded baked potato biceps. thanks to my best mate chad i am eating so much better. quick rabbit trail on chad i really scored big with him. we all know that he's amazing in all ways brilliant, patient, kind, quietly strong (which is so attractive to me), and the man can cook. he didn't acquire his amazing cooking talents until after we got married and what an added bonus. he is such a jackpot!... ok back to my "transformation".. i haven't smoked since way last year and cut alcohol down to about 1-2 per month if that. .. what's funny about the drinking is that i completely cut it for about 3 months and then thought every now and then it'd be fine but every time i drink. and i mean every time, i get a massive headache and the experience is completely unenjoyable. my oh my how the tables have turned. chad thinks i'm allergic. that's fine by me its a great excuse not to partake.
i think i had so much trouble changing these habits and lifestyles in the past was because i wasn't really doing for me i was just trying to get a baby to stick. now i've been staying healthy and fit in mind and spirit for God, myself, my husband and its working! its not just a couple weeks and quit. its this is my life... i will be fit, i will eat right, i'll be healthy and not have an expiration date on that. i'm now stinking 30 and this is the best i've felt seriously since i was in high school. such huge payoffs for such obvious changes. i am so stoked about it that in the last few months since we've quit the fertility treatments its just been so much easier to deal with the negative pregnancy tests and "times of the months" because we are both so much more confident in my bodies ability to work. huge relief. i mean i have never been regular. doc's all say that's fine whatever.. since making these big lifestyle changes guess who's body is working pretty much like clockwork? thats right i am and i'm on no meds. hooray! i have so much more faith in my body and that correlates directly with giving all this to God. i was nervous to stop the meds. it was such a havoc in my head because i felt so led to try them. do i think doing the treatments was wrong now? no not at all. they were part of the plan with out a doubt. part of the molding and making to get me to see how simple it all really should be. do i think big news is coming soon. absolutely. the way is lit by One far greater than I and i finally feel like i'm making steps in the right direction to be used in our miracle.
sooo all that to say i'm putting a big chunk of the past behind me. sadness covered up by alcohol and cigarettes. time wasted not being active and taking care of my body literally sitting there waiting for something to happen and not participating in the efforts. i'm putting behind me so much anger towards God for not letting this be easier. i had a journal that i kept in my bag for over a year and it was mostly filled with me bitching. sorry if you are offended but there's no better word to describe it. the woe is me, why not me, why her, where are you God pissing and moaning journal. can writing this way be cathartic? absolutely, however i wasn't writing in a way to find any peace or redeeming value. i was just wallowing and it was making the situation worse. threw the journal away a couple days ago. thought about tossing it for weeks and was clinging to it like it meant something. like i'd want to read that crap at any point in the future! its pretty neat how just throwing away something like that can feel relieving. its like those 3 years don't define me anymore. its not about 3 years of infertility any more. its about being a new jess for the last few months and moving on into a new chapter of my life with or without children that is much healthier and happier. that is a miracle in and of itself and i'm doing a little dance about it.
now i know i rambled on quite a bit. i'm rusty on the blogging front so i am not proofreading this like i normally would. i'm just putting it out there. so if it makes little sense just read pretending i'm talking to you and that might help!
now a days i walk that lake rain or shine 5-6 days a week. i do some minor weight training for my loaded baked potato biceps. thanks to my best mate chad i am eating so much better. quick rabbit trail on chad i really scored big with him. we all know that he's amazing in all ways brilliant, patient, kind, quietly strong (which is so attractive to me), and the man can cook. he didn't acquire his amazing cooking talents until after we got married and what an added bonus. he is such a jackpot!... ok back to my "transformation".. i haven't smoked since way last year and cut alcohol down to about 1-2 per month if that. .. what's funny about the drinking is that i completely cut it for about 3 months and then thought every now and then it'd be fine but every time i drink. and i mean every time, i get a massive headache and the experience is completely unenjoyable. my oh my how the tables have turned. chad thinks i'm allergic. that's fine by me its a great excuse not to partake.
i think i had so much trouble changing these habits and lifestyles in the past was because i wasn't really doing for me i was just trying to get a baby to stick. now i've been staying healthy and fit in mind and spirit for God, myself, my husband and its working! its not just a couple weeks and quit. its this is my life... i will be fit, i will eat right, i'll be healthy and not have an expiration date on that. i'm now stinking 30 and this is the best i've felt seriously since i was in high school. such huge payoffs for such obvious changes. i am so stoked about it that in the last few months since we've quit the fertility treatments its just been so much easier to deal with the negative pregnancy tests and "times of the months" because we are both so much more confident in my bodies ability to work. huge relief. i mean i have never been regular. doc's all say that's fine whatever.. since making these big lifestyle changes guess who's body is working pretty much like clockwork? thats right i am and i'm on no meds. hooray! i have so much more faith in my body and that correlates directly with giving all this to God. i was nervous to stop the meds. it was such a havoc in my head because i felt so led to try them. do i think doing the treatments was wrong now? no not at all. they were part of the plan with out a doubt. part of the molding and making to get me to see how simple it all really should be. do i think big news is coming soon. absolutely. the way is lit by One far greater than I and i finally feel like i'm making steps in the right direction to be used in our miracle.
sooo all that to say i'm putting a big chunk of the past behind me. sadness covered up by alcohol and cigarettes. time wasted not being active and taking care of my body literally sitting there waiting for something to happen and not participating in the efforts. i'm putting behind me so much anger towards God for not letting this be easier. i had a journal that i kept in my bag for over a year and it was mostly filled with me bitching. sorry if you are offended but there's no better word to describe it. the woe is me, why not me, why her, where are you God pissing and moaning journal. can writing this way be cathartic? absolutely, however i wasn't writing in a way to find any peace or redeeming value. i was just wallowing and it was making the situation worse. threw the journal away a couple days ago. thought about tossing it for weeks and was clinging to it like it meant something. like i'd want to read that crap at any point in the future! its pretty neat how just throwing away something like that can feel relieving. its like those 3 years don't define me anymore. its not about 3 years of infertility any more. its about being a new jess for the last few months and moving on into a new chapter of my life with or without children that is much healthier and happier. that is a miracle in and of itself and i'm doing a little dance about it.
now i know i rambled on quite a bit. i'm rusty on the blogging front so i am not proofreading this like i normally would. i'm just putting it out there. so if it makes little sense just read pretending i'm talking to you and that might help!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Why I can't compete with you..
written by holly gerth.. a-mazing.. sums up exactly where i want my mind/heart/focus to be.
We're all running a race.
But it isn't what you might imagine.
We don't have the same starting line.
The same distance to go.
The same steps to take.
Our finish lines are even in different places.
You see, my friend, we're not running on a track--
we're each running on a one-lane path.
In the Kingdom, there's no such thing as competition.
It's impossible.
Because no one else ever has or ever will run your race.
So go for it, my friend, be strong, brave, beautiful YOU all the way to the end.
{Psst, here's a secret: You've already won.}
hearttoheart@holleygerth.com
i'm getting to a better place. the last few weeks have been a whirlwind that chad and i tried to not be a part of but at the end of the day and the height of the storm we didn't have a choice. i would love to write all about what happened but out of respect for the victims in the situation i won't. i do however feel like sharing some of what i've learned... i imaging that what i'm about to write will sound very cliche and probably a bit confusing if you don't know what happened. but just know that chad and i are fine. this was not our issue but because of all the other people involved we didn't have a choice but to play a minor role in the made for tv drama.
1. i learned that i am a lot more naive than i ever imagined. maybe i just am easy to fool or i subconsciously allowed my self to be bamboozled because i hate being angry with people.
2. that even when you think you know a person things can change in a matter of minutes and then your back to #1.
3. i learned that by saying "i support your decision no mater what" can be risky if you haven't thought of every potential outcome... needless to say i am at this point mad that i said that to one of the victims.
4. i learned that "falling on the sword" may look like the most selfless act and even feel that way but in the end could be the most selfish decision and create even more hurt down the road. not every action has an equal and opposite reaction when it comes to the heart. <---thats why i wish kept that "i support your decision no matter what" to myself. i may never say that again long as i live. i like to stick to my promises and hold up my words but in this case i made a mistake.
then to number 5.. this is the wildest of them all...
5. i questioned for days whether or not i wanted to have children because of the situation chad and i got thrown into... i know crazy as it sounds and crazy as if feels to type that i actually had moments a couple weeks back where i hoped that the last cycle didn't work! now i'm sure all the stress and sleepless nights helped keep us from conceiving but i was really turned upside down. questioning why in the world i'd want to bring innocent children into this world that is so inwardly focused and outwardly numb. a world that regardless of faith, upbringing, common sense and integrity does whatever feels good and chooses the rush of spontaneity over the reward of joy and peace that wisdom of self control bring. i felt like it would be a slap in the face to bring children into a place where you don't have to finish what you start and work hard to accomplish goals. a place where its okay to quit because you don't feel like it.
dark days.
... but we still have a desire, God and biology given to create life. to nurture and parent these precious and potentially terrible gifts. they may turn out like lunatics. chad and i have been given so much knowledge and have had an incredible blessing of watching others. taking notes on what all our loved ones are doing when it comes to parenting. we have some amazing examples that have been set before us that have been selfless in raising there children (amanda and josh). they specifically are the ones we have looked up to for years as their kids have grown. they've incorporated their children into there lives rather than living around their kids as if they're in the way. they have worked together in keeping each other priority one and not setting the kids between them. they are incredible parents and it didn't come easy. it was and is hard work but their efforts have not gone unnoticed by chad and i. she's been my best friend for most of our lives and i am so proud. she is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. much closer.
so even though i wish upon every star and plane that shoots through the sky that God will bring children into our lives i can take these days that we are not yet parents and learn SO much from others. will we do it perfectly? heck no. i don't expect to be the mother of the year, however we have a very good outline of how we will attack parenting together because of all the examples around us. that's worth its weight in gold.
i feel like my road/race/journey/trial/triumph/whatever you'd like to call it is about to turn. by turn i really don't know what i mean but i feel change a comin'. i don't know if that means baby soon or what but i have felt this before and certainly things have changed. i'm being broken and built up, broken a bit more, then put back together a little better each time. it hurts but i know it is all for a much much bigger picture.
We're all running a race.
But it isn't what you might imagine.
We don't have the same starting line.
The same distance to go.
The same steps to take.
Our finish lines are even in different places.
You see, my friend, we're not running on a track--
we're each running on a one-lane path.
In the Kingdom, there's no such thing as competition.
It's impossible.
Because no one else ever has or ever will run your race.
So go for it, my friend, be strong, brave, beautiful YOU all the way to the end.
{Psst, here's a secret: You've already won.}
hearttoheart@holleygerth.com
i'm getting to a better place. the last few weeks have been a whirlwind that chad and i tried to not be a part of but at the end of the day and the height of the storm we didn't have a choice. i would love to write all about what happened but out of respect for the victims in the situation i won't. i do however feel like sharing some of what i've learned... i imaging that what i'm about to write will sound very cliche and probably a bit confusing if you don't know what happened. but just know that chad and i are fine. this was not our issue but because of all the other people involved we didn't have a choice but to play a minor role in the made for tv drama.
1. i learned that i am a lot more naive than i ever imagined. maybe i just am easy to fool or i subconsciously allowed my self to be bamboozled because i hate being angry with people.
2. that even when you think you know a person things can change in a matter of minutes and then your back to #1.
3. i learned that by saying "i support your decision no mater what" can be risky if you haven't thought of every potential outcome... needless to say i am at this point mad that i said that to one of the victims.
4. i learned that "falling on the sword" may look like the most selfless act and even feel that way but in the end could be the most selfish decision and create even more hurt down the road. not every action has an equal and opposite reaction when it comes to the heart. <---thats why i wish kept that "i support your decision no matter what" to myself. i may never say that again long as i live. i like to stick to my promises and hold up my words but in this case i made a mistake.
then to number 5.. this is the wildest of them all...
5. i questioned for days whether or not i wanted to have children because of the situation chad and i got thrown into... i know crazy as it sounds and crazy as if feels to type that i actually had moments a couple weeks back where i hoped that the last cycle didn't work! now i'm sure all the stress and sleepless nights helped keep us from conceiving but i was really turned upside down. questioning why in the world i'd want to bring innocent children into this world that is so inwardly focused and outwardly numb. a world that regardless of faith, upbringing, common sense and integrity does whatever feels good and chooses the rush of spontaneity over the reward of joy and peace that wisdom of self control bring. i felt like it would be a slap in the face to bring children into a place where you don't have to finish what you start and work hard to accomplish goals. a place where its okay to quit because you don't feel like it.
dark days.
... but we still have a desire, God and biology given to create life. to nurture and parent these precious and potentially terrible gifts. they may turn out like lunatics. chad and i have been given so much knowledge and have had an incredible blessing of watching others. taking notes on what all our loved ones are doing when it comes to parenting. we have some amazing examples that have been set before us that have been selfless in raising there children (amanda and josh). they specifically are the ones we have looked up to for years as their kids have grown. they've incorporated their children into there lives rather than living around their kids as if they're in the way. they have worked together in keeping each other priority one and not setting the kids between them. they are incredible parents and it didn't come easy. it was and is hard work but their efforts have not gone unnoticed by chad and i. she's been my best friend for most of our lives and i am so proud. she is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. much closer.
so even though i wish upon every star and plane that shoots through the sky that God will bring children into our lives i can take these days that we are not yet parents and learn SO much from others. will we do it perfectly? heck no. i don't expect to be the mother of the year, however we have a very good outline of how we will attack parenting together because of all the examples around us. that's worth its weight in gold.
i feel like my road/race/journey/trial/triumph/whatever you'd like to call it is about to turn. by turn i really don't know what i mean but i feel change a comin'. i don't know if that means baby soon or what but i have felt this before and certainly things have changed. i'm being broken and built up, broken a bit more, then put back together a little better each time. it hurts but i know it is all for a much much bigger picture.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
compartmentalizing
the last few months have been weird. i haven't really written nor have i really wanted to. i don't really want to right now. i noticed that since april/may when we stopped doing the meds for a bit that i have retreated into my comfort zones and only my comfort zones... work, walking, watching, waiting and sleeping (woulda been need for that to start with a "w" but alas it is one of the main components to my current daily life). the strong emotional desire and sadness, frustration, excitement, anticipation, etc. have left the building. i don't know how it happend but its like i'm only thinking about fertility in my head for the most part. i am totally disconnected to how i feel. and its not just with fertility. its with everything. depression? sure, maybe a little. i feel like i'm on the outside looking in, feeling sorry for that poor childless couple but not shedding tears for them.
i kinda thought maybe i'd licked the emotional distress of infertility. honestly i thought for quite a few months that maybe God was saving me from my feelings and that i'd grown to more of an understanding and acceptance of the situation. perhaps i have grown a bit. i think that just happens as a result of something like this but more so i think i've just checked out.
i have been no fun for the last 6 months. i had cut out drinking, started exercising and eating better, reading and somehow these new healthy habits have alienated me from my world. i don't want to do anything but work walk wait and sleep. i kinda had this wake up call last weekend. a friend told me i never wanted to do anything fun and i used to be fun. harsh but true. now i know i can't fix it over night but i knew first off i needed to apologize to chad. he deserves a fun wife. i used to be full of life wanted to do anything and hang out all the time. so i told him i need his help to keep me accountable. i need to start participating in extra curricular activities. now i still don't want to go to molly's and hang out til 2 drinking whiskey.. that part of my life was fun for sure but its just not for me anymore. drinking makes me feel like i'm wasting both time and money.
i'm coming to some realizations that i have to accept and use. i'm 30 now and yes i thought my life would be different than it is. i thought i'd be more of an adult by now. i thought i'd been done having children by now.. i think my all my feelings retreated from my heart to my mind and walled themselves in because i don't want to be sad. i don't want to be whiny about what i don't have. i want to be thankful for all the blessings in my life and praise God wholeheartedly. thats not the case though and i have shut down. they say when the going gets tough the tough get going and trials are when our true spirits come out and shine or fade away. i want to shine i want to be tough i want this to make me stronger, chad stronger, our marriage stronger. maybe it has... maybe i won't notice it until years down the road.
about a week after my 30th bday we were lying in bed just talking. chad had come home late and i was mad. part of me being mad is me being jealous of his ability to lose track of time because he is enjoying himself so much. he loves people. he loves to talk to people and get to know them and hear their story. he is amazing in this way and i'm not at all. i am a slave to the clock and i wish i could be more like chad when it comes to time. i want to enjoy myself so much that i forget to look at what time it is. i've been there before but this infertility thing has disabled that part of me. anyways back to us talking.. we chatted it up for a bit about time and what not then he changed keys and said something to the effect of "i'm really sad we haven't gotten pregnant yet." i hadn't cried in months and that's all it took. i mean floodgates opened and i lost my mind. it was like i hadn't "felt" in so long and it hurt so bad to reconnect to those feelings again. we talked/choked through the conversation. a week prior on my birthday night we were out and the only girls that came out were two of my equally pregnant friends.. as you know when girls and guys hang out they separate by gender and i sat there on my barren 30th birthday thinking it was actually kinda funny that they were the 2 i had to hang out with of all people. don't get me wrong i love them both dearly but i think you understand why i felt like the joke was on me. it didn't bother me a bit until a week later! i was stoic and numb then one sentence from the only person who i really truly need in the world plugged me back in. i was mad for hours about my birthday night. why did i have to be in that situation on my damned birthday? why did i have to be all hunky dory about it? .. these are questions i couldn't get out of my head all night but i know now (now that i'm back to feeling numb) there isn't an answer it just is what it is. they are my friend and they love me.
the last few months not sharing our fertility woes with the world has been good. i don't plan to bring anyone else into our decisions when/if we continue down the medication/treatment ave. i have enjoyed being able to have conversations that don't have to always come back to fertility and what day i'm on and what my plans are for the future. i feel like these conversations consist mostly of me trying to make the other person feel better about me not getting pregnant. its stupid. honestly i don't know what our plans are. today i'm medication free. determined to participate in life regardless of what i had in mind for "jess at 30". there is joy to be had and i will have some of it God willing.
i kinda thought maybe i'd licked the emotional distress of infertility. honestly i thought for quite a few months that maybe God was saving me from my feelings and that i'd grown to more of an understanding and acceptance of the situation. perhaps i have grown a bit. i think that just happens as a result of something like this but more so i think i've just checked out.
i have been no fun for the last 6 months. i had cut out drinking, started exercising and eating better, reading and somehow these new healthy habits have alienated me from my world. i don't want to do anything but work walk wait and sleep. i kinda had this wake up call last weekend. a friend told me i never wanted to do anything fun and i used to be fun. harsh but true. now i know i can't fix it over night but i knew first off i needed to apologize to chad. he deserves a fun wife. i used to be full of life wanted to do anything and hang out all the time. so i told him i need his help to keep me accountable. i need to start participating in extra curricular activities. now i still don't want to go to molly's and hang out til 2 drinking whiskey.. that part of my life was fun for sure but its just not for me anymore. drinking makes me feel like i'm wasting both time and money.
i'm coming to some realizations that i have to accept and use. i'm 30 now and yes i thought my life would be different than it is. i thought i'd be more of an adult by now. i thought i'd been done having children by now.. i think my all my feelings retreated from my heart to my mind and walled themselves in because i don't want to be sad. i don't want to be whiny about what i don't have. i want to be thankful for all the blessings in my life and praise God wholeheartedly. thats not the case though and i have shut down. they say when the going gets tough the tough get going and trials are when our true spirits come out and shine or fade away. i want to shine i want to be tough i want this to make me stronger, chad stronger, our marriage stronger. maybe it has... maybe i won't notice it until years down the road.
about a week after my 30th bday we were lying in bed just talking. chad had come home late and i was mad. part of me being mad is me being jealous of his ability to lose track of time because he is enjoying himself so much. he loves people. he loves to talk to people and get to know them and hear their story. he is amazing in this way and i'm not at all. i am a slave to the clock and i wish i could be more like chad when it comes to time. i want to enjoy myself so much that i forget to look at what time it is. i've been there before but this infertility thing has disabled that part of me. anyways back to us talking.. we chatted it up for a bit about time and what not then he changed keys and said something to the effect of "i'm really sad we haven't gotten pregnant yet." i hadn't cried in months and that's all it took. i mean floodgates opened and i lost my mind. it was like i hadn't "felt" in so long and it hurt so bad to reconnect to those feelings again. we talked/choked through the conversation. a week prior on my birthday night we were out and the only girls that came out were two of my equally pregnant friends.. as you know when girls and guys hang out they separate by gender and i sat there on my barren 30th birthday thinking it was actually kinda funny that they were the 2 i had to hang out with of all people. don't get me wrong i love them both dearly but i think you understand why i felt like the joke was on me. it didn't bother me a bit until a week later! i was stoic and numb then one sentence from the only person who i really truly need in the world plugged me back in. i was mad for hours about my birthday night. why did i have to be in that situation on my damned birthday? why did i have to be all hunky dory about it? .. these are questions i couldn't get out of my head all night but i know now (now that i'm back to feeling numb) there isn't an answer it just is what it is. they are my friend and they love me.
the last few months not sharing our fertility woes with the world has been good. i don't plan to bring anyone else into our decisions when/if we continue down the medication/treatment ave. i have enjoyed being able to have conversations that don't have to always come back to fertility and what day i'm on and what my plans are for the future. i feel like these conversations consist mostly of me trying to make the other person feel better about me not getting pregnant. its stupid. honestly i don't know what our plans are. today i'm medication free. determined to participate in life regardless of what i had in mind for "jess at 30". there is joy to be had and i will have some of it God willing.
Monday, May 30, 2011
i'm 30 today
don't have much to say. just felt like turning 30 warrants a blog post. it seems impossible that i am this old but i guess thats good cuz i still feel like i'm 12.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
tips! on what not to say
fertility is not easy for anyone to deal with. its stressful emotional and depressing. its easy to succumb to feelings of doubt, guilt, and worthlessness. its one of the things women do. its part of what is feminine. when you find out its gonna take a long while it makes you feel like you aren't as good as the other women spitting out babies left and right then saying "oops! can't believe i got pregnant again!". if you haven't walked it yourself or known someone close who has you might need to brush up on what is politically correct to say. to help i have am going to create a never say list.
#1 - never say "oh just stop worrying about it and relax. as soon as you stop caring its gonna happen!" this is neither encouraging or wise counsel. studies show that stress has very little to do w/one's fertility. look at countries in east africa. they are under wild oppression and genocide and babies are still being born. plenty of us "inferitles" have stopped worrying and given up for a while and no baby. so quit
#2 - never think that just because someone tells you about their infertility woes that they are looking for your expert opinion on the matter. you'll know if they want your diagnosis by them saying "what do you think i should do?". most of us just want someone to listen. we know you don't have the answer, just be a friend.
#3 - never say "why don't you just go adopt ?" or "you should do invitro!". contrary to what you might think not all babies are free. now i know this might come as a shock but you have to pay to do both of those (like thousands and thousands of dollars). your standard domestic adoption is around 20k. a round of invitro is between 7-10k. maybe i am desperate to have a child but i will not be a bad steward to get there. now in my case if i had an extra 20k sitting around we'd have adopted a baby a year ago. when couples choose to not do adoption or invitro remember it may not actually be a choice. its a sensitive subject.
#4 don't tell us about how you know someone. what do i mean by that? don't tell me you know about an aunts sisters daughter's infertility and she did a b and c and finally after x amount of time she got pregnant! or about that gal's sister who's also infertile and she never did get pregnant and now she dogsits. hearing happy stories is great but we already know that infertile women get pregnant all the time its just when the right time comes. hearing sad stories only makes me feel bad for someone else. it doesn't make me feel better to know that anyone else has to go through this kind of pain even if they are a stranger. i wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
so just think before you speak. remember that us "infertiles" do our research and we know the options that are out there and the toughest part at the end of the day is just being patient. its not so much what meds to take or what foods to eat or how much cash to save up. those are exterior stresses that are part of the wait. no one likes to wait. not in 2011. you can get everything immediately. there are few things that require patience and diligence. dealing with infertility requires ample doses of both. there is always redeeming value to it. the reward/gift/child/blessing/family is the biggest payout i can fathom. every millisecond between this moment and that one is worth it.
by the way just about every time i type infertility i spell it wrong. you'd think i'd have it down pat by now right?!
#1 - never say "oh just stop worrying about it and relax. as soon as you stop caring its gonna happen!" this is neither encouraging or wise counsel. studies show that stress has very little to do w/one's fertility. look at countries in east africa. they are under wild oppression and genocide and babies are still being born. plenty of us "inferitles" have stopped worrying and given up for a while and no baby. so quit
#2 - never think that just because someone tells you about their infertility woes that they are looking for your expert opinion on the matter. you'll know if they want your diagnosis by them saying "what do you think i should do?". most of us just want someone to listen. we know you don't have the answer, just be a friend.
#3 - never say "why don't you just go adopt ?" or "you should do invitro!". contrary to what you might think not all babies are free. now i know this might come as a shock but you have to pay to do both of those (like thousands and thousands of dollars). your standard domestic adoption is around 20k. a round of invitro is between 7-10k. maybe i am desperate to have a child but i will not be a bad steward to get there. now in my case if i had an extra 20k sitting around we'd have adopted a baby a year ago. when couples choose to not do adoption or invitro remember it may not actually be a choice. its a sensitive subject.
#4 don't tell us about how you know someone. what do i mean by that? don't tell me you know about an aunts sisters daughter's infertility and she did a b and c and finally after x amount of time she got pregnant! or about that gal's sister who's also infertile and she never did get pregnant and now she dogsits. hearing happy stories is great but we already know that infertile women get pregnant all the time its just when the right time comes. hearing sad stories only makes me feel bad for someone else. it doesn't make me feel better to know that anyone else has to go through this kind of pain even if they are a stranger. i wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
so just think before you speak. remember that us "infertiles" do our research and we know the options that are out there and the toughest part at the end of the day is just being patient. its not so much what meds to take or what foods to eat or how much cash to save up. those are exterior stresses that are part of the wait. no one likes to wait. not in 2011. you can get everything immediately. there are few things that require patience and diligence. dealing with infertility requires ample doses of both. there is always redeeming value to it. the reward/gift/child/blessing/family is the biggest payout i can fathom. every millisecond between this moment and that one is worth it.
by the way just about every time i type infertility i spell it wrong. you'd think i'd have it down pat by now right?!
no tears no sir
i have been out of synch for a few weeks. now this isn't a bad thing its just different. i'm sure it all spawned from being off the meds for a couple months but i have been wondering why i'm not sad. isn't that weird? i should be sad. i mean yeah i've prayed for God to give me peace throughout each day but i guess i never expected to have so much peace that i was confused as to where that nagging sadness went. its perplexing. i'm not excited that i'm not sad i'm just more relieved. you'd think maybe its because i just haven't had to face it daily but the past few weeks/months have been littered with an explosion of pregancies. i mean way more than normal. its like every week or so someone that i have direct connections to whether it be socially or at work is pregnant or their wife is pregnant. in my new section there are 3 (one due any day now) and just it looks like another will be giving us her good news in a matter of days (she's late). its everywhere and i just haven't caught it yet but maybe thats it. maybe i haven't been sad about all these pregnancies because miracles are happening all around me. by deductive reasoning wouldn't it make sense that its just a matter of time til it happens to me? <-- rhetorical don't answer that...
an update on where we are with the stuff people can't keep there noses out of. and i'll say it again ladies, if i want your expert opinion i'll come running. til then no need for concern you have bigger fish to fry. the decisions we make are up to chad and i. we will only do what we are comfortable with. i do have "advisors" the ones i ask questions to (besides the doctor) are ones who have walked this road and have ended up with children. makes sense right?! all i'll say at this point is i did finally start my period on my own(i didn't want to take the meds to start it again so we waited) and we are stepping up the fertitlity "stuff" a notch a little differently this time around so that's always exciting.
i'm calm. i'm not getting to far ahead of myself this round. today is saturday its beautiful. i walked and saw all my favorite birds on hollingsworth and i'm gonna go now and by myself a birthday outfit.
i don't want to turn 30. really i don't. i wanted to have children by 30.. hell i wanted to be done having kids by 30. God has something different planned and i'm excited about what 30 might bring but it just sounds so adult to me. i am going to be a mother. i know that w/o a shadow of a doubt. i don't know how and when and by what means it will happen but it will trust God.
an update on where we are with the stuff people can't keep there noses out of. and i'll say it again ladies, if i want your expert opinion i'll come running. til then no need for concern you have bigger fish to fry. the decisions we make are up to chad and i. we will only do what we are comfortable with. i do have "advisors" the ones i ask questions to (besides the doctor) are ones who have walked this road and have ended up with children. makes sense right?! all i'll say at this point is i did finally start my period on my own(i didn't want to take the meds to start it again so we waited) and we are stepping up the fertitlity "stuff" a notch a little differently this time around so that's always exciting.
i'm calm. i'm not getting to far ahead of myself this round. today is saturday its beautiful. i walked and saw all my favorite birds on hollingsworth and i'm gonna go now and by myself a birthday outfit.
i don't want to turn 30. really i don't. i wanted to have children by 30.. hell i wanted to be done having kids by 30. God has something different planned and i'm excited about what 30 might bring but it just sounds so adult to me. i am going to be a mother. i know that w/o a shadow of a doubt. i don't know how and when and by what means it will happen but it will trust God.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
just what i need
as i posted earlier i was really feeling low for a good long while. worthless, out of touch, less of a woman, less of a wife, gloomy, and wallowing in my own self pity. these feelings and stages come and go as my womanly cycle comes and goes (infertility is literally a roller-coaster due to the blessed female cycle). so much is wrapped up in day one of your period... it means the best thing ever and the worst all at the same time. its great because this is day one of your potential pregnancy.. in about two weeks the egg will be released and if met at the right time w/the right sperm... magic... being on the fertility meds it gets exciting even earlier because i get to start taking the magic pills on day five and then start testing for ovulation around day 11. the crap thing about day one is very obvious. it means the last magical cycle didn't work. and i cry. then i pray begging and pleading, then screaming at God to just freaking do it. enough already.
this is the up and down of infertility. start wait stop. rinse and repeat. well even with proper guidance and focus no woman makes it out unscathed. i say now that's not so bad. as i've said before this has been my right of passage and i can't imagine going through anything quite like it. thats not so bad. God hears me. God hears you. He isn't withholding to make me sad. He is molding and making me into what will be a patient and persevering mom. all these tools that i've hated gathering up over the past few years will be so essential in raising this gift He will provide.
man i always get off on such a rambling tangent. the whole reason i decided to blog today was to share.
when i read through the Bible back in december and january i would stop to write the verses that spoke to me the loudest. i threw them in my huge messenger bag i lug everywhere and thought they would be nice to stumble upon in the future. it was kind of a way to remind future jess of what the present jess was learning and getting hope from.
perfect timing because i did feel like i was slipping a little yesterday... due to the screw up/blessing of the progesterone i was prescribed it threw my cycle of course completely. not surprising since it seems i can sneeze and miss a period. we are still waiting to get to the next cycle and of course i always have a tiny bit of hope even when i know i didn't ovulate that there is a little miracle about to happen. due to the boundaries i'm still attempting to set up with a few of you out there i won't divulge what day i'm on but i am super late. i took a test yesterday morning and it was a negative (which we expected so no tears). once the reality sinks in that i am empty it starts eating at me and i really have to focus on weeding out the negative thoughts (like the i'll nevers) and the doubts that so easily tangle me up. still i see the prescription snafu as a blessing. we've needed a break and it was forced upon us. i was so torn about taking a break that God intervened and because of the meds i got what i wanted and don't feel like i'm doing something to cause us to have to wait longer. i guess now that i know i'm not pregnant for sure and its been a while since the last cycle i'm ready to get back on course. kinda like riding a bike eh? He is so good to us.
so with out furthur ado let me share the verses that i stumbled across today when i was searching through my bag for my phone... i pray this is healing and helpful to any one who takes the time to read...
psalms 21:2 you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.
psalms 20:4 may he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed.
2 kings 4:15-17 Then Elisha said call her so he called her and she stood in the doorway. About this time next year elisha said, you will hold a son in your arms. But the woman became pregnant and the next year about the same time she gave birth to a son.
coll 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful.
matt 7:9-11 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
isaiah 61:7 instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.
psalms 94:18-19 When i said my foot is slipping your love , O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great with in me your consolation brought joy to my soul.
psalms 119:169+176 May my cry come before you O Lord give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. may my lips overflow w/praise, for each you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous. may your hand be ready to help me for i have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation O Lord and your law is my delight. let me live that i may praise you and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for i have not forgotten your commandments.
Psalm 127 unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. unless the lord watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for fod to eat for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord. Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Col 3:23/24 whatever you are doing work at it w/enthusiasm as to the Lord and not for people. because you know that you will recieve your inheritance from the Lord as the reward. Serve the Lord Christ.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you should answer everyone.
phillipians 3:13b forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to these who are tired to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. even you get tired and weary; even strong men can stumble. But those who wait for the lords help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles wings they run w/o growing weary they walk w/o getting tired.
isaiah 40z1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.
hebrews 10:35-39 so do not throw away your confidence;; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what he has promised. For in just a very little while he who is coming will come and will not delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back i will not be pleased with him. but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who believe and are saved!
ps 27:14/ 28:6-7 wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The lord is my strength and my sheild my heart trusts in him and i am helped
ps 34:10 the lions may grow weak and hungry but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
ps 31:24 be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord.
2 peter 1:3-9 for this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control perseverence; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.
this is the up and down of infertility. start wait stop. rinse and repeat. well even with proper guidance and focus no woman makes it out unscathed. i say now that's not so bad. as i've said before this has been my right of passage and i can't imagine going through anything quite like it. thats not so bad. God hears me. God hears you. He isn't withholding to make me sad. He is molding and making me into what will be a patient and persevering mom. all these tools that i've hated gathering up over the past few years will be so essential in raising this gift He will provide.
man i always get off on such a rambling tangent. the whole reason i decided to blog today was to share.
when i read through the Bible back in december and january i would stop to write the verses that spoke to me the loudest. i threw them in my huge messenger bag i lug everywhere and thought they would be nice to stumble upon in the future. it was kind of a way to remind future jess of what the present jess was learning and getting hope from.
perfect timing because i did feel like i was slipping a little yesterday... due to the screw up/blessing of the progesterone i was prescribed it threw my cycle of course completely. not surprising since it seems i can sneeze and miss a period. we are still waiting to get to the next cycle and of course i always have a tiny bit of hope even when i know i didn't ovulate that there is a little miracle about to happen. due to the boundaries i'm still attempting to set up with a few of you out there i won't divulge what day i'm on but i am super late. i took a test yesterday morning and it was a negative (which we expected so no tears). once the reality sinks in that i am empty it starts eating at me and i really have to focus on weeding out the negative thoughts (like the i'll nevers) and the doubts that so easily tangle me up. still i see the prescription snafu as a blessing. we've needed a break and it was forced upon us. i was so torn about taking a break that God intervened and because of the meds i got what i wanted and don't feel like i'm doing something to cause us to have to wait longer. i guess now that i know i'm not pregnant for sure and its been a while since the last cycle i'm ready to get back on course. kinda like riding a bike eh? He is so good to us.
so with out furthur ado let me share the verses that i stumbled across today when i was searching through my bag for my phone... i pray this is healing and helpful to any one who takes the time to read...
psalms 21:2 you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.
psalms 20:4 may he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed.
2 kings 4:15-17 Then Elisha said call her so he called her and she stood in the doorway. About this time next year elisha said, you will hold a son in your arms. But the woman became pregnant and the next year about the same time she gave birth to a son.
coll 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful.
matt 7:9-11 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
isaiah 61:7 instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.
psalms 94:18-19 When i said my foot is slipping your love , O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great with in me your consolation brought joy to my soul.
psalms 119:169+176 May my cry come before you O Lord give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. may my lips overflow w/praise, for each you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous. may your hand be ready to help me for i have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation O Lord and your law is my delight. let me live that i may praise you and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for i have not forgotten your commandments.
Psalm 127 unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. unless the lord watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for fod to eat for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord. Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Col 3:23/24 whatever you are doing work at it w/enthusiasm as to the Lord and not for people. because you know that you will recieve your inheritance from the Lord as the reward. Serve the Lord Christ.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you should answer everyone.
phillipians 3:13b forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to these who are tired to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. even you get tired and weary; even strong men can stumble. But those who wait for the lords help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles wings they run w/o growing weary they walk w/o getting tired.
isaiah 40z1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.
hebrews 10:35-39 so do not throw away your confidence;; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what he has promised. For in just a very little while he who is coming will come and will not delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back i will not be pleased with him. but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who believe and are saved!
ps 27:14/ 28:6-7 wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The lord is my strength and my sheild my heart trusts in him and i am helped
ps 34:10 the lions may grow weak and hungry but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
ps 31:24 be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord.
2 peter 1:3-9 for this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control perseverence; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Clever Creator
i had a little miracle happen today. now i probably would be reprimanded for refering to an act of God as "little" but it wasn't astronomical by any means, just neato. for weeks my dad has been sending me blog entries from a gal named holley... its called "heart to heart with Holley" and they are short tid bits of encouragement to persevere and look for joy and praise God. nothing groundbreakingly theological or dripping in Biblical teachings but happy, encouraging, inspiring words to keep on keeping on. i look forward to them each time i see that he's sent me one.
well today i had the day off... it was a comp day since i worked saturday and i hadn't a clue what i was going to do with my day so i laid in bed for probably an extra hour this morning procrastinating touching toe to floor (cuz that means theres no going back to the delight of my favorite pillow). i read the Bible a bit... i'm still stuck in the end of Hebrews and then i cap it off w/the book of James for motivation... then i got my email from dad. yeah! i decided to do a little searching of who this holley chick is and found her website www.holleygerth.com and read a bunch of her blog entries and even sent her a quick thank you email. nothing special but i did mention that her words have encouraged me during the trial and journey of infertility... a few hours later after lunch and walking the lake (holy hot today) i came back to chad's office and did some further searching. i just had to know why she has this heart to help people and why she writes the way she does. finally i saw the link "bio" duh.. it'd been staring at me for a half hour i just didn't see it. well low and behold she and her husband are also dealing with infertility! unbelievable.. that's why i feel so connected to what she writes.. we are of the same thread! i then emailed her again earlier this evening to share my discovery and doubly thank her for just understanding and taking the stance that she has.. she's written a book that i'll be getting in the mail soon called "Rain on Me" and i can't wait to get it and read through it.. it's a devotional/workbook and i just finished "pathway to purpose" by katie brazelton so i'm ready for a new one.
last night i did start feeling a little sorry for myself for a few hours.. yep another pregnant friend. i want so badly to not make it about me. today i was reading an exert from holley's book and she says "its okay to not be okay". i think she's right. as a christian i feel like i have failed when i get sad about the circumstance i'm in. i want to be strong i don't want to let God down and not be content with all the blessings He's already given me. sometimes i have big tears and fighting words and i always bring them to God in prayer (if you wanna call it prayer.. its more like a one sided shouting match) but i feel guilty after like i should always be prim and proper like God can't handle my being blunt. how silly right?! so no more feeling like i pray to honestly.. God already knows how i feel and i want God to always be the first place i go when i'm happy or miserable. so today is a new day and i'm pressing on. Waiting on the desire of my heart happy at the moment to just sit and dream :)
well today i had the day off... it was a comp day since i worked saturday and i hadn't a clue what i was going to do with my day so i laid in bed for probably an extra hour this morning procrastinating touching toe to floor (cuz that means theres no going back to the delight of my favorite pillow). i read the Bible a bit... i'm still stuck in the end of Hebrews and then i cap it off w/the book of James for motivation... then i got my email from dad. yeah! i decided to do a little searching of who this holley chick is and found her website www.holleygerth.com and read a bunch of her blog entries and even sent her a quick thank you email. nothing special but i did mention that her words have encouraged me during the trial and journey of infertility... a few hours later after lunch and walking the lake (holy hot today) i came back to chad's office and did some further searching. i just had to know why she has this heart to help people and why she writes the way she does. finally i saw the link "bio" duh.. it'd been staring at me for a half hour i just didn't see it. well low and behold she and her husband are also dealing with infertility! unbelievable.. that's why i feel so connected to what she writes.. we are of the same thread! i then emailed her again earlier this evening to share my discovery and doubly thank her for just understanding and taking the stance that she has.. she's written a book that i'll be getting in the mail soon called "Rain on Me" and i can't wait to get it and read through it.. it's a devotional/workbook and i just finished "pathway to purpose" by katie brazelton so i'm ready for a new one.
last night i did start feeling a little sorry for myself for a few hours.. yep another pregnant friend. i want so badly to not make it about me. today i was reading an exert from holley's book and she says "its okay to not be okay". i think she's right. as a christian i feel like i have failed when i get sad about the circumstance i'm in. i want to be strong i don't want to let God down and not be content with all the blessings He's already given me. sometimes i have big tears and fighting words and i always bring them to God in prayer (if you wanna call it prayer.. its more like a one sided shouting match) but i feel guilty after like i should always be prim and proper like God can't handle my being blunt. how silly right?! so no more feeling like i pray to honestly.. God already knows how i feel and i want God to always be the first place i go when i'm happy or miserable. so today is a new day and i'm pressing on. Waiting on the desire of my heart happy at the moment to just sit and dream :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
new schedule and new rules in place
so last monday was the start of my new schedule at geico. i'm now back on the 9:30-600pm shift which i LOVE. its like i have a new job. its exciting i'm not praying the building will blow up and i am actually enjoying geico sales again... its funny we have a small section its 5 girls and one guy. pray for jimmy to survive w/all that estrogen. i kinda took the opportunity to start fresh there and not make the fertility thing a big deal at work. i'm too much of an open book when it comes to this passion and i feel like i shared too much in my last section. this one with so many girls of course i've been asked about kids (cuz all but 1 of them has children) and i just kinda put it out there... no but we hope it happens soon. praying God's will is now :). i have a feeling that i might get surrounded by a bunch of pregnant girls at the same time but my recent couple of months has prepared me for that with so many close friends getting knocked up.
i'm relieved. i have set some boundaries in reference to my last post and made sure that certain people in my life know that they are not welcome in the group (which now consists of me and chad, butt out) no more "what day are you on?" or "when are you gonna get a 2nd opinion?" or "aren't you gonna try a specialist?" or "do you want my opinion?"... no more... now you all can just let it go.. sit back and relax. how wonderful is it now that you don't have to worry about it (or at least i'm not gonna facilitate your obsessing over it. you get to just be patient and wait for good news. i like that.
again this last "break" from the prescription mix up has been so relieving. we've learned new things, i've accepted certain realities i don't want to accept and i'm feeling happy. God is good. His mercies and grace are new every morning. tomorrow will be a new day.
i'm relieved. i have set some boundaries in reference to my last post and made sure that certain people in my life know that they are not welcome in the group (which now consists of me and chad, butt out) no more "what day are you on?" or "when are you gonna get a 2nd opinion?" or "aren't you gonna try a specialist?" or "do you want my opinion?"... no more... now you all can just let it go.. sit back and relax. how wonderful is it now that you don't have to worry about it (or at least i'm not gonna facilitate your obsessing over it. you get to just be patient and wait for good news. i like that.
again this last "break" from the prescription mix up has been so relieving. we've learned new things, i've accepted certain realities i don't want to accept and i'm feeling happy. God is good. His mercies and grace are new every morning. tomorrow will be a new day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
verse from "it is well" i've never seen before
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
its not always well with my soul but i have more "it is well" days than "it is not well" days. i'm learning. i'm growing. i can feel necessary changes that i need to made positions in which i need to put my foot down. i can't go into great detail which sucks but i don't want to hurt anyone but i'm struggling w/someone very close to me. no not chad. i have asked God to show me how to be respectful and kind when i all want to do is belittle and retaliate. i expect the friends i have that are Christians see the infertility as a lesson and journey in faith. unfortunately one person can do nothing but plant seeds of doubt every time i am around them and i know i have to set up boundaries. i kinda expect this kind of behavior from friends that don't have any faith base but not from ones that do. Do you all get it? God doesn't need our help! you can rationalize all day about how there are millions of doctors and how you should get 47 opinions (til you find the one you have already diagnosed?) because there are so many doctors its due diligence, then obessess how everything should be questioned, then do everything right ...don't drink, don't over or under excersize, eat healthy whole foods, low in sugar, high in fiber, rich in vitamins.... don't forget to take only the prescribed prenatal (cuz Lord knows they're all the same its just the prescription cost $1.25 a pill), take you temperature every morning, have sex the "right way", then hang upside down by your ankles so all those swimmers have a fighting chance, get 8 hours of sleep every night, don't stress (hilarious). on that list of "don'ts" it should say make a sign that you can wear that says "just cuz i might tell you about my journey w/infertility doesn't mean i'm asking for your opinion". trust me you will all know when i want your opinions! until then shut the front door.... i'm mad and i want to just stop, be self controlled, and see this as an opportunity to set some strict boundaries w/these certain relationships that poison my joy. like any new habit it will take discipline. but i'm seeing now that it needs to happen now so that its clear that this negative controlling faith-lacking behavior won't be tolerated around my children.
each thing though it might be sad or tough to go through seems to make sense in the end. i was so pissed about the progesterone preventing ovulation but once i dealt with the reality that its just a month. its not really even a set back because it kind of gave us the break i've been wanting to take. to just sit back and not plan sex around fertility. to remember for a few weeks what it was like to not be trying to have a baby. i think the meds mishap was actually very cathartic for us crazy as it may sound. yeah we want a baby like yesterday but we have each other today. i love my chad. i love him so much.
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
its not always well with my soul but i have more "it is well" days than "it is not well" days. i'm learning. i'm growing. i can feel necessary changes that i need to made positions in which i need to put my foot down. i can't go into great detail which sucks but i don't want to hurt anyone but i'm struggling w/someone very close to me. no not chad. i have asked God to show me how to be respectful and kind when i all want to do is belittle and retaliate. i expect the friends i have that are Christians see the infertility as a lesson and journey in faith. unfortunately one person can do nothing but plant seeds of doubt every time i am around them and i know i have to set up boundaries. i kinda expect this kind of behavior from friends that don't have any faith base but not from ones that do. Do you all get it? God doesn't need our help! you can rationalize all day about how there are millions of doctors and how you should get 47 opinions (til you find the one you have already diagnosed?) because there are so many doctors its due diligence, then obessess how everything should be questioned, then do everything right ...don't drink, don't over or under excersize, eat healthy whole foods, low in sugar, high in fiber, rich in vitamins.... don't forget to take only the prescribed prenatal (cuz Lord knows they're all the same its just the prescription cost $1.25 a pill), take you temperature every morning, have sex the "right way", then hang upside down by your ankles so all those swimmers have a fighting chance, get 8 hours of sleep every night, don't stress (hilarious). on that list of "don'ts" it should say make a sign that you can wear that says "just cuz i might tell you about my journey w/infertility doesn't mean i'm asking for your opinion". trust me you will all know when i want your opinions! until then shut the front door.... i'm mad and i want to just stop, be self controlled, and see this as an opportunity to set some strict boundaries w/these certain relationships that poison my joy. like any new habit it will take discipline. but i'm seeing now that it needs to happen now so that its clear that this negative controlling faith-lacking behavior won't be tolerated around my children.
each thing though it might be sad or tough to go through seems to make sense in the end. i was so pissed about the progesterone preventing ovulation but once i dealt with the reality that its just a month. its not really even a set back because it kind of gave us the break i've been wanting to take. to just sit back and not plan sex around fertility. to remember for a few weeks what it was like to not be trying to have a baby. i think the meds mishap was actually very cathartic for us crazy as it may sound. yeah we want a baby like yesterday but we have each other today. i love my chad. i love him so much.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
quit progesterone = happy once again
amazingly only one day off of that crap and i feel sooooo much better. like i said yesterday i'm relieved that it wasn't true depression. its wild what meds can do to your mind i'm really amazed and thankful that it wasn't something i was going to have to deal w/long term. i was getting close to looking up therapists in lakeland to help me cope with the progesterone side effects. sounds dramatic? it was dramatic. totally counterproductive to actually making a baby. oi!
.... this is a to be continued entry... i'm coming back from lunch/walking the lake/target and publix... but i wanted to write today about how much happier i feel. i was so worried the last couple weeks that i'd lost the peace i'd gotten to. i'd sunk into a deep pit of despair and self pity. i am still mad that i got so down but i feel validated in a way. i'm not losing it! it was just that stupid medication! something to be thankful for. there is redeeming value in everything sometimes you just have to stretch to find it!
so talked to the doc's office today. nurse said new doc's orders... quit taking the prometrium now. that will make me start my period in probably a week to ten days then call and we'll do another 150mg round of clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle and then 1-2 days after i get the go ahead from my ovulation monitor that i've ovulated start taking the prometrium again every day twice a day.
its bitter sweet and i told her well at least i'll only feel like poo the last half of my cycle. of course inwardly i'm thinking... right no duh that's what i should have done last cycle so i wouldv'e ovulated but don't listen to me til i ask a 2nd time and complain that the prometrium made me skip ovulation... oh well. its in the past and lesson learned. i know now i'm on the right track. i'm not super stoked on taking the prog. supplement again b/c of how mopey i feel on it but hopefully the hope and joy of a potential pregnancy will outway the gloom. thats my plan for now.
oh yeah.... so my new years resolution beside making a baby of course was to read the proverbs 31 woman every day for the year. which i have done pretty well up until this last week. i have been obsessing over the abraham and sarah story so much i did some online research and read a few things writers had come up with as far as perspective and faith. one lady mentioned hebrews 11 being such a good faith chapter that is often overlooked (probably because hebrews is not light reading). i've switched my daily passage to hebrews 11. it gives so many examples of people having faith throughout the Bible. so i leave you with verse one:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
i believe Lord. i have the whole time whether i've been elated or deflated. i know your power and have seen miracles with my own eyes. healing that wasn't possible except through you. i know you have secured in my heart the peace that chad and i will get pregnant and have a baby. i know that everyday that goes by gets us one day closer to that precious day that we find out we are pregnant and i thank you for filling these days of waiting with so much learning and growth. i'm stubborn and some days i don't grow or learn well but i know that you are looking for me to be patient and persevering and then reward will be all the more sweet.
2 peter 1:3-10
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
.... this is a to be continued entry... i'm coming back from lunch/walking the lake/target and publix... but i wanted to write today about how much happier i feel. i was so worried the last couple weeks that i'd lost the peace i'd gotten to. i'd sunk into a deep pit of despair and self pity. i am still mad that i got so down but i feel validated in a way. i'm not losing it! it was just that stupid medication! something to be thankful for. there is redeeming value in everything sometimes you just have to stretch to find it!
so talked to the doc's office today. nurse said new doc's orders... quit taking the prometrium now. that will make me start my period in probably a week to ten days then call and we'll do another 150mg round of clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle and then 1-2 days after i get the go ahead from my ovulation monitor that i've ovulated start taking the prometrium again every day twice a day.
its bitter sweet and i told her well at least i'll only feel like poo the last half of my cycle. of course inwardly i'm thinking... right no duh that's what i should have done last cycle so i wouldv'e ovulated but don't listen to me til i ask a 2nd time and complain that the prometrium made me skip ovulation... oh well. its in the past and lesson learned. i know now i'm on the right track. i'm not super stoked on taking the prog. supplement again b/c of how mopey i feel on it but hopefully the hope and joy of a potential pregnancy will outway the gloom. thats my plan for now.
oh yeah.... so my new years resolution beside making a baby of course was to read the proverbs 31 woman every day for the year. which i have done pretty well up until this last week. i have been obsessing over the abraham and sarah story so much i did some online research and read a few things writers had come up with as far as perspective and faith. one lady mentioned hebrews 11 being such a good faith chapter that is often overlooked (probably because hebrews is not light reading). i've switched my daily passage to hebrews 11. it gives so many examples of people having faith throughout the Bible. so i leave you with verse one:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
i believe Lord. i have the whole time whether i've been elated or deflated. i know your power and have seen miracles with my own eyes. healing that wasn't possible except through you. i know you have secured in my heart the peace that chad and i will get pregnant and have a baby. i know that everyday that goes by gets us one day closer to that precious day that we find out we are pregnant and i thank you for filling these days of waiting with so much learning and growth. i'm stubborn and some days i don't grow or learn well but i know that you are looking for me to be patient and persevering and then reward will be all the more sweet.
2 peter 1:3-10
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
10 Therefore, my brothers and sisters,[a] make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, 11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
progesterone: freind or foe
it is so relieving to feel great today. i've only skipped one dose of the prometrium (progesterone supplement) and its like someone turned the lights on. makes me not feel as crazy. nurse had to leave a message and said the doc has some specific instructions for and and to go ahead and skip tonight's dose too (thank God!) and call her in the morning to see what the doc says. i'm just so glad it wasn't me being depressed. i haven't dealt with real depression in 10 years and that crap sent me back to a very dark place for 2 1/2 weeks so i'm thrilled beyond belief to be rid of it. if i have a short luteal phase so what. i've got a big Creator and nothing is impossible.
clinging onto His promises.
clinging onto His promises.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
doubting the doc
so if you've talked to me for 5 minutes about fertility you know that i have researched it from stem to stern. i've obsessed over just being educated... maybe that's a control thing i don't know but i fee like the more i know the better my chances are for being my own and my childs advocate. with the last 3 cycles i had spotting too early after ovulation. i read in medical journals that it could mean i'm not producing enough progesterone to keep my lining from shedding early and that it is a common supplement given to women who have a short luteal phase (days from ovulation to 1st day of period). in a normal gal a good luteal phase is somewhere between 12-14 days... which makes sense if you ovulate around day 14 you'll start anywhere from days 28-30 if you aren't pregnant. well obviously with only a 9 day luteal phase the embryo has less time to implant securely before it is shed away w/the rest of the lining (period). in every case i've read about the progesterone is taken after ovulation because that is when the body naturally should be producing more and also if taken too early it can prevent ovulation altogether. i knew this before i called to ask if i could be prescribed it. when they called back saying yes you can use it the doctor prescribed it to be taken from day one of my cycle. that struck me as odd since everything i've read says don't do it so i said are you sure? they said yep so i've followed doctors orders and as i've already stated been miserable on the progesterone since that day. its been 2 1/2 weeks and i'm not getting used to it. i told a friend of mine today besides just feeling low and tired all the time i get so dizzy i've run into every door jam in the house. ugh! i know we aren't supposed to hate but i hate progesterone.
today is day 16. i've gone into a minor anxiety mode because i should've ovulated today (every cycle on clomid when i've ovulated its day 16). i got nervous yesterday because i started spotting (won't go into detail but its not a period) just like the last 3 months where i've started spotting day 25 except i'm only on day 16. there are a few explanations for it like evidently progesterone can irritate the cervix causing "sloughing" or slight bleeding especially after sex. regardless its the not knowing and all the speculating that makes me crazy. for me yeah the 2 week wait after ovulation is sorta stressful but my main stress is "am i gonna ovulate?" that for me has always been the hardest. i guess its because once i ovulate then i get filled up every cycle with all the hopes and potential and excitement that i don't even wanna test at the 2 week point b/c i wanna hang on to the hope as long as i can before i have to be disappointed and start all over. pathetic huh? well i just needed to get this out today. it's so hard to not think about it and not wonder if i'll ovulate tomorrow instead. how long will i wait for ovulation before i call the doc's office and yell at somebody for sabotaging this cycle. i only get to do the clomid 12 times before it becomes unsafe so wasting one cycle on a bad judgment call is not acceptable. i've got so many thoughts flying around my head about it and all i want to do is throw my burden at God and say "here, You deal with this" i know that's all God wants but how am i supposed to stop caring about it? how can this be put on a backburner. faith requires action. without action its useless so i am doing what i can to act on a God given desire. i'm tired though. my heart hurts. i don't want to be afraid. i know that i have nothing to be afraid of... i think i'm really being tested right now and i hope i pass. hopefully the testing is over with soon.
God i know and have learned throughout my life that when the going gets tough you are there stronger and louder than ever even if i can't tell. my prayer is that you will let me feel your comfort. restore the joy that i gained back in december and january and allow me to praise you uninterrupted regardless of fertility. i truly want to be able to say thank you for the things you have and haven't given me because your plan is the one i want to be a part of. if you have ordered these steps and answered my prayer to guide each move we make then i thank you for the pain. how am i supposed to understand the will of God. its silly to think it should all make sense but something in me will still seek after as much knowledge as you'll allow me to have. Lord i fail in so many ways daily. i have a huge problem with gossip and judgement of others, i am impatient and unfocused. forgive me for not having a persevering and steadfast attitude lately. i was so thrown off by not being pregnant last cycle that i haven't felt comfortable trusting since. i know you know that and i pray that you will sustain peace within me. help me in my unbelief. help me to realize that my life is not about me and chad and us raising a family. that's what i want, that's my plan. help me see the bigger picture that your plan or will is galaxies wide and that time is not important to you. help me to operate less by time and worry that we'll never catch up. thank you for recently blessing so many of my close daily friends with pregnancies. i'm so happy for them and thought that might mean i too would soon be pregnant. its hard to not want to go through it with your friends. thank you for giving me the courage to meet it head on and for giving me true happiness for them. when all is quiet and no one sees i run and cry because i am sad for us and i want to share good news with all of them too. i know that they hurt for us and want a pregnancy for us too so we can share in parenting together. clearly that is not your plan for us today. i don't get why and there i go again trying to dig up answers to impossible questions but I want to trust you. i will keep trusting you regardless of how impossible this seems. nothing is impossible with my Creator. that's why you are the one i picked :). please end this fertility journey soon. we have been tested and i'm not going anywhere. i will not give up on you because you will never give up on me.
today is day 16. i've gone into a minor anxiety mode because i should've ovulated today (every cycle on clomid when i've ovulated its day 16). i got nervous yesterday because i started spotting (won't go into detail but its not a period) just like the last 3 months where i've started spotting day 25 except i'm only on day 16. there are a few explanations for it like evidently progesterone can irritate the cervix causing "sloughing" or slight bleeding especially after sex. regardless its the not knowing and all the speculating that makes me crazy. for me yeah the 2 week wait after ovulation is sorta stressful but my main stress is "am i gonna ovulate?" that for me has always been the hardest. i guess its because once i ovulate then i get filled up every cycle with all the hopes and potential and excitement that i don't even wanna test at the 2 week point b/c i wanna hang on to the hope as long as i can before i have to be disappointed and start all over. pathetic huh? well i just needed to get this out today. it's so hard to not think about it and not wonder if i'll ovulate tomorrow instead. how long will i wait for ovulation before i call the doc's office and yell at somebody for sabotaging this cycle. i only get to do the clomid 12 times before it becomes unsafe so wasting one cycle on a bad judgment call is not acceptable. i've got so many thoughts flying around my head about it and all i want to do is throw my burden at God and say "here, You deal with this" i know that's all God wants but how am i supposed to stop caring about it? how can this be put on a backburner. faith requires action. without action its useless so i am doing what i can to act on a God given desire. i'm tired though. my heart hurts. i don't want to be afraid. i know that i have nothing to be afraid of... i think i'm really being tested right now and i hope i pass. hopefully the testing is over with soon.
God i know and have learned throughout my life that when the going gets tough you are there stronger and louder than ever even if i can't tell. my prayer is that you will let me feel your comfort. restore the joy that i gained back in december and january and allow me to praise you uninterrupted regardless of fertility. i truly want to be able to say thank you for the things you have and haven't given me because your plan is the one i want to be a part of. if you have ordered these steps and answered my prayer to guide each move we make then i thank you for the pain. how am i supposed to understand the will of God. its silly to think it should all make sense but something in me will still seek after as much knowledge as you'll allow me to have. Lord i fail in so many ways daily. i have a huge problem with gossip and judgement of others, i am impatient and unfocused. forgive me for not having a persevering and steadfast attitude lately. i was so thrown off by not being pregnant last cycle that i haven't felt comfortable trusting since. i know you know that and i pray that you will sustain peace within me. help me in my unbelief. help me to realize that my life is not about me and chad and us raising a family. that's what i want, that's my plan. help me see the bigger picture that your plan or will is galaxies wide and that time is not important to you. help me to operate less by time and worry that we'll never catch up. thank you for recently blessing so many of my close daily friends with pregnancies. i'm so happy for them and thought that might mean i too would soon be pregnant. its hard to not want to go through it with your friends. thank you for giving me the courage to meet it head on and for giving me true happiness for them. when all is quiet and no one sees i run and cry because i am sad for us and i want to share good news with all of them too. i know that they hurt for us and want a pregnancy for us too so we can share in parenting together. clearly that is not your plan for us today. i don't get why and there i go again trying to dig up answers to impossible questions but I want to trust you. i will keep trusting you regardless of how impossible this seems. nothing is impossible with my Creator. that's why you are the one i picked :). please end this fertility journey soon. we have been tested and i'm not going anywhere. i will not give up on you because you will never give up on me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
prayer
i am reading a book by Katie Brazelton called "pathway to purpose" as i am involved in a bible study with some other women from my church. i have been on a huge reading kick the past several months and was excited to read the book more than going to the meetings if i'm honest. i just feel so uncomfortable in a group. i have been a couple times. even though i like it my body hates that much social interaction each time i come home w/every muscle in my back and neck just stiff as a board. growing up with some ocd tendencies i have had to learn that the way you overcome a fear is to expose yourself to it. so that's why i have gone to the study. exposure therapy. i didn't go last sunday because i fell off the faith wagon that day. i was talking through it with my dad yesterday at dinner and i articulated it best by just saying exactly how the abraham and sarah story hits me. it just plain sucks. even sarah is quoted by saying to God "(really?) now i will have this pleasure?"... of course she's probably thinking something like "hell, i'm 90 something years old and now i get the desire of my heart right before i kick the bucket. awesome, thanks God. you did what you said you were going to. you fulfilled your promise. neat but because i had to wait this long i'm too old to keep up let alone enjoy parenting w/friends and family members cuz their children have grown and they are grand parents now. the more i think of their story the less i like it. i know its supposed to give us inspiration that God will not withhold his promises. i know that i just don't want to be 40. more specifically i don't want to feel this longing deep seeded desire for another 10 years. for now i need to forget about abraham and sarah.. perhaps one day their story will inspire me again but for right now the story sucks.
so back to the prayer eh?
boy howdy do i need to make this my plea:
"God, today I empty myself to be filled by you. give me the grace to love you whether or not you bless my family or me anymore. I am content with whatever you choose to bless me with-- or even subtract from me--my kids, eyes, hands, voice, limbs, energy, or possessions. They are all yours not mine. I am sorry for my arrogance in acting as though i was giving something to you that belonged to me. In reality, everything I have is already yours; its simply on loan to me. I leave everything in your hands. you have big hands. I trust you."
when i finished my previous blog post i was re-reading it and of course was a ball of tears and chad came home. he was locked out so i got the humbling opportunity to meet him at the door all puffy and tear stained. he immediately hugged me and of course asked what was wrong. my response "the same thing its not working". i really don't know what i meant by its not working besides just me being a baby about it and throwing the meds under the bus cuz they are easy to blame. he just hugged me tight and let me cry it out and talked me through it. i won't go into detail about it cuz these things are private b/w us but i am so thankful he can talk when its important.
so today i need to surrender. i've been trying. i don't exactly know how but i'm trying to focus on what i can do to stay calm, steadfast, self controlled, and at peace with God. today will be ok. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
so back to the prayer eh?
boy howdy do i need to make this my plea:
"God, today I empty myself to be filled by you. give me the grace to love you whether or not you bless my family or me anymore. I am content with whatever you choose to bless me with-- or even subtract from me--my kids, eyes, hands, voice, limbs, energy, or possessions. They are all yours not mine. I am sorry for my arrogance in acting as though i was giving something to you that belonged to me. In reality, everything I have is already yours; its simply on loan to me. I leave everything in your hands. you have big hands. I trust you."
when i finished my previous blog post i was re-reading it and of course was a ball of tears and chad came home. he was locked out so i got the humbling opportunity to meet him at the door all puffy and tear stained. he immediately hugged me and of course asked what was wrong. my response "the same thing its not working". i really don't know what i meant by its not working besides just me being a baby about it and throwing the meds under the bus cuz they are easy to blame. he just hugged me tight and let me cry it out and talked me through it. i won't go into detail about it cuz these things are private b/w us but i am so thankful he can talk when its important.
so today i need to surrender. i've been trying. i don't exactly know how but i'm trying to focus on what i can do to stay calm, steadfast, self controlled, and at peace with God. today will be ok. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
tears today
i don't know if its me just being sad or if its the new cocktail of meds i'm on but i have been a ball of emotions today. side effects from the hormones sure that's easy to blame it on but i'm just low today. i feel spent. heard an amazing sermon this morning that was right up our ally about moses and sarah's journey with infertility... they waited decades upon decades (good thing lifespan was long back then). what has made me feel so crappy is that i've tried to make it so we aren't miserable while we wait and we accomplish life as it should be accomplished until our parenting days come. i don't want to miss out on enjoying life just because i have a desire for a child. what set me back today was the story of abraham and sarah doesn't really begin until they have issac. 100 years of God's promises abraham's obedience then both he and sarah's disobedience to force the child into the world through his concubine hagar and all sort of turmoil jealousy and selfishness that festered on lack of faith. God still promised that sarah would have a child she was in her 90's.. even for chicks in that day she was way past child baring years so it was a miracle. its a neat story. its moving it shows the cycles of faith (which most of the cycle isn't the fun part). i just hate that there wasn't a big focus on what they were doing while they waited as if all these years passed by and it was just time. did God provide? yes, but why that many years... for some couples its excruciating to try for a few months and not conceive ... i don't want to feign my excitement to have to go through another cycle (i was just so sure that last month i'd be pregnant). i am hopeful always but how long can i recycle these positive thoughts and muster up enough trust to see it through.
i'm praying constantly. i'm reading great books about purpose, praise and fear. i'm filling my mind with words from the Bible that encourage and sustain me but today doubt has crept in big time. i'm having a hard time not focusing on my tomorrows. i've considered the last few months to take a break from the fertility meds. the thought to do that is daunting because my cycles are so erratic that tracking ovulation is nearly impossible. yes i'm nervous about losing control over it. before i'm judged for this please do remember most women know exactly when they are gonna start, ovulate, and start again so i don't feel guilty about not wanting to give up the "normal" gift the meds have given me. i have felt so privileged these last 5 cycles to know almost precisely when things are gonna happen and it scares the hell out of me to think that i'm about to go back to it. just typing it now makes my stomach burn.
i'm just super confused today. i knew with out a doubt that it was time to seek the medical advice and get tested. i have prayed for guided steps along each decision we have made and felt so sure about this journey til the last couple months. the reason i haven't quit yet is #1 i'm scared (no duh) #2 i don't want my choice to quit the meds to make this process any longer #3 i said i'd give it 6 cycles #4 i don't want to feel like i gave up.
well i'm on my 6th now where i'm taking a more potent clomid dosage and adding the progesterone (which may be the reason i feel so blue) to keep me from having my period early. i have tried to drill into my mind to take each day at a time and not get flustered about what i'm gonna do down the line. i just feel so unadvised and stalled out right now. right now at 6:34 pm on march the 20th i want to give up. check with me tomorrow maybe i'll be singin' with the song birds ready to press on and make this kid. i hope so. i hate the way i feel right now. i hate crying i hate a crying headache and a crying runny nose. i think i've stored up some of these tears and today the floodgates opened. i guess one good thing is that this fertility bullshit has made me a lot more sensitive. cute right?
lord i need you right now more than anything. you are the God of promises and deliverance and I can't do this alone... i know i keep trying to and i'm so stupid for forgetting its not about me. forgive me for doubting and for wallowing in self pity today. thank you for renewing my spirit and keeping me afloat since we started this fertility quest. each day you have given me just enough peace to look back at the last few years and be thankful. i need it today. an extra dose if you please cuz i'm hurting. i know you haven't forgotten us. You know that it feels like that sometimes and Your will is bigger than me having to know why your timing can't be now. part of my wants to delete this whole thing because i don't want to turn to you right now. my selfish nature is doing a great job at selling me into the thought that You are withholding for no good reason. yes, i know that sounds ridiculous but You know my innermost thoughts so this is not a surprise. help me in my unbelief. thank you for this. i hate it but thank you anyways.
i'm praying constantly. i'm reading great books about purpose, praise and fear. i'm filling my mind with words from the Bible that encourage and sustain me but today doubt has crept in big time. i'm having a hard time not focusing on my tomorrows. i've considered the last few months to take a break from the fertility meds. the thought to do that is daunting because my cycles are so erratic that tracking ovulation is nearly impossible. yes i'm nervous about losing control over it. before i'm judged for this please do remember most women know exactly when they are gonna start, ovulate, and start again so i don't feel guilty about not wanting to give up the "normal" gift the meds have given me. i have felt so privileged these last 5 cycles to know almost precisely when things are gonna happen and it scares the hell out of me to think that i'm about to go back to it. just typing it now makes my stomach burn.
i'm just super confused today. i knew with out a doubt that it was time to seek the medical advice and get tested. i have prayed for guided steps along each decision we have made and felt so sure about this journey til the last couple months. the reason i haven't quit yet is #1 i'm scared (no duh) #2 i don't want my choice to quit the meds to make this process any longer #3 i said i'd give it 6 cycles #4 i don't want to feel like i gave up.
well i'm on my 6th now where i'm taking a more potent clomid dosage and adding the progesterone (which may be the reason i feel so blue) to keep me from having my period early. i have tried to drill into my mind to take each day at a time and not get flustered about what i'm gonna do down the line. i just feel so unadvised and stalled out right now. right now at 6:34 pm on march the 20th i want to give up. check with me tomorrow maybe i'll be singin' with the song birds ready to press on and make this kid. i hope so. i hate the way i feel right now. i hate crying i hate a crying headache and a crying runny nose. i think i've stored up some of these tears and today the floodgates opened. i guess one good thing is that this fertility bullshit has made me a lot more sensitive. cute right?
lord i need you right now more than anything. you are the God of promises and deliverance and I can't do this alone... i know i keep trying to and i'm so stupid for forgetting its not about me. forgive me for doubting and for wallowing in self pity today. thank you for renewing my spirit and keeping me afloat since we started this fertility quest. each day you have given me just enough peace to look back at the last few years and be thankful. i need it today. an extra dose if you please cuz i'm hurting. i know you haven't forgotten us. You know that it feels like that sometimes and Your will is bigger than me having to know why your timing can't be now. part of my wants to delete this whole thing because i don't want to turn to you right now. my selfish nature is doing a great job at selling me into the thought that You are withholding for no good reason. yes, i know that sounds ridiculous but You know my innermost thoughts so this is not a surprise. help me in my unbelief. thank you for this. i hate it but thank you anyways.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
i almost fell of the toilet
wish i could say it was because i had a positive pregnancy test. actually i didn't take one. like i said in my previous post i was just sure that the last cycle i did was going to be "the one" i even took a cell phone picture of the ovulation test when it showed that i was ovulating because i knew it was going to be the last one i'd see. so let me give a short history of the last 3 cycles of 100mg clomid.
i have ovulated every time but once on the meds so we know it is doing its job. each time i ovulate its on day 16/17 so thank God now we have a frame of reference to work with we start having our baby making fun about 5 days before we know i'm gonna ovulate and keep up the good work until about 4 days after. we have finally found a rhythm with the help of the meds and its so nice to have a "normal" cycle. women that are like clockwork haven't a clue how much harder it is to conceive. right right woe is me... but no! not any more. i can at least be thankful that i've been somewhat regulated. hooray.
so back to the last 3 cycles. i ovulate on day 16 then start lightly spotting 9 days later on day 25ish then i get my full on flow b/w days 29-33. which of course is a huge let down at the spotting moment and then i get kinda excited because maybe its implantation. implantation bleeding happens to about 30% of women about a week before they are supposed to start. well not this lady i keep getting my period after the fact. so of course i do my research and find that if i'm shedding my lining this early that can also play a role in infertility b/c the embryo doesn't have that full 12-14 days window to attach. i read that many woman are put on progesterone to keep the lining from being shed to early so i call up the doc. i was nervous to tell them about the early spotting cuz i was nervous they wouldn't give me the meds (which is stupid i realize i actually could have been prolonging this journey because of my "control"). i tell them everything and ask about progesterone. doc says "i agree"... wait really? man o man if i'd said something earlier.. oh well its in the past perhaps they would have taken a "wait and see" approach to it anyways. remember i am in Gods hands not my own. doors open, doors close.
so now my new cocktail of meds is a little more aggressive in the clomid i'm gonna start with 150mgs and i started taking prometrium (progesterone supplement) yesterday when i full on started my period. i know chad was bummed this time around i kinda had already gotten my peace about it and knew my period was coming but i was so shocked last monday when i started spotting. its like i had that moment when i looked up at the sky and thought "don't you remember God? this was supposed to be the month right?". oh me of little faith.
we are excited about this next cycle praying the new med change and a few more prayers will be the ticket. God is good and if all works out this cycle we will have a baby before christmas (yes i did the math).
i've been turning to the Bible more and more these days for comfort and guidance. i wish i had done this a year ago. i spiritually have gotten so dry and this has really helped keep me more peaceful and focused on my blessings.
so we pick ourselves back up and focus on new possibilities. i'm excited. every day that goes by gets us step closer to meeting this kid. i so can't wait to be their mom.
i have ovulated every time but once on the meds so we know it is doing its job. each time i ovulate its on day 16/17 so thank God now we have a frame of reference to work with we start having our baby making fun about 5 days before we know i'm gonna ovulate and keep up the good work until about 4 days after. we have finally found a rhythm with the help of the meds and its so nice to have a "normal" cycle. women that are like clockwork haven't a clue how much harder it is to conceive. right right woe is me... but no! not any more. i can at least be thankful that i've been somewhat regulated. hooray.
so back to the last 3 cycles. i ovulate on day 16 then start lightly spotting 9 days later on day 25ish then i get my full on flow b/w days 29-33. which of course is a huge let down at the spotting moment and then i get kinda excited because maybe its implantation. implantation bleeding happens to about 30% of women about a week before they are supposed to start. well not this lady i keep getting my period after the fact. so of course i do my research and find that if i'm shedding my lining this early that can also play a role in infertility b/c the embryo doesn't have that full 12-14 days window to attach. i read that many woman are put on progesterone to keep the lining from being shed to early so i call up the doc. i was nervous to tell them about the early spotting cuz i was nervous they wouldn't give me the meds (which is stupid i realize i actually could have been prolonging this journey because of my "control"). i tell them everything and ask about progesterone. doc says "i agree"... wait really? man o man if i'd said something earlier.. oh well its in the past perhaps they would have taken a "wait and see" approach to it anyways. remember i am in Gods hands not my own. doors open, doors close.
so now my new cocktail of meds is a little more aggressive in the clomid i'm gonna start with 150mgs and i started taking prometrium (progesterone supplement) yesterday when i full on started my period. i know chad was bummed this time around i kinda had already gotten my peace about it and knew my period was coming but i was so shocked last monday when i started spotting. its like i had that moment when i looked up at the sky and thought "don't you remember God? this was supposed to be the month right?". oh me of little faith.
we are excited about this next cycle praying the new med change and a few more prayers will be the ticket. God is good and if all works out this cycle we will have a baby before christmas (yes i did the math).
i've been turning to the Bible more and more these days for comfort and guidance. i wish i had done this a year ago. i spiritually have gotten so dry and this has really helped keep me more peaceful and focused on my blessings.
so we pick ourselves back up and focus on new possibilities. i'm excited. every day that goes by gets us step closer to meeting this kid. i so can't wait to be their mom.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
matthew 6 (an expert from the sermon on the mount)
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
this passage came to my mind on sunday night and i'm really becoming thankful that i read through most (totally skipped the begats) of the Bible back in december b/c i am reminded of certain passages at certain times when they are needed. when i read this specifically i think of myself and so many people i dearly love that struggle with control. trying to do everything perfectly in order to feel safe. in my case trying to speed up God's will and feeling like i actually can do that. i love this picture of God's fatherly side. look at the birds their instincts tell them to do exactly what is needed for that day and their needs are provided for. maybe if we didn't have so many distractions we might be able to focus on our instinctual needs as well and be comforted by the fact that if God looks out for blades of grass then how much more does he look after his most beloved creation?!
i was telling my good friend lesley last night about how i feel like the tough part of the infertility is over and regardless of if i am pregnant now or if it still takes a while i have learned so much about faith. nothing in the world will keep our children from us when it is the right time. doesn't matter what meds i take or how many vitamins i constipate myself with (oh yeah that's a whole nother blog!) it will happen when its supposed to. i've felt so rushed to force it. i have felt like we are lagging behind and that no one will care when we finally do conceive b/c it'll be old hat. i have worried that i would resent our child when she is born because i've spent so many tears on wanting. i let doubt creep in for so long and it has had its stay. it's exodus is far overdue and i'm thrilled that i have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm not really running towards it i'm just praying that each of my steps are guided. that i can rest in each day and enjoy the blessings all around me that i take for granted so quickly because of this distraction. each day has its own challenges and i am done with looking up at this impossible mountain thinking i've gotta get over it in one step.
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
killers: why do i keep counting
as you know i've been walking the lake like its my job for the past 6 months or so and i've been going through new music during my walks. i've never been the killers number 1 fan but its great music to walk to and i like the lead singers voice a lot. in the album "sams town" this song can be found and literally i was in tears when i listened to it the first time (yes i was walking the lake and yes i wad getting strange looks. who cares!). its my song of the year. thank you killers.
"why do i keep counting"
There's a plane and I am flying
There's a mountain waiting for me
Oh these years have been so trying
I don't know if I can use them
Am I strong enough
To be the one?
Will I live to have some children?
[x2]
Help me get down,
I can make it,
Help me get down
If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father
[x2]
Help me get down
I can make it
Help me get down
If I only knew the answer
And If all our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting
My sugar sweet is so attainable
This behaviour so unexplainable
The days just slip and slide
Like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget
I took one last good look around
So many unusual sounds
I gotta get my feet on the ground
Help me get down,
I can make it (ohhhhh...)
Help me get down,
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
I wouldn't be bothering you, father,
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
And if all our days are numbered,
Would you help me get down? (I can make it, help me get down)
(Help me get down)
(I can make it, help me get down)
If I only knew the answer...
If I change my way of living
And If I pave my streets with good times
Will the mountain keep on giving
And if all of our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting
"why do i keep counting"
There's a plane and I am flying
There's a mountain waiting for me
Oh these years have been so trying
I don't know if I can use them
Am I strong enough
To be the one?
Will I live to have some children?
[x2]
Help me get down,
I can make it,
Help me get down
If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father
[x2]
Help me get down
I can make it
Help me get down
If I only knew the answer
And If all our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting
My sugar sweet is so attainable
This behaviour so unexplainable
The days just slip and slide
Like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget
I took one last good look around
So many unusual sounds
I gotta get my feet on the ground
Help me get down,
I can make it (ohhhhh...)
Help me get down,
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
I wouldn't be bothering you, father,
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
And if all our days are numbered,
Would you help me get down? (I can make it, help me get down)
(Help me get down)
(I can make it, help me get down)
If I only knew the answer...
If I change my way of living
And If I pave my streets with good times
Will the mountain keep on giving
And if all of our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
rejoice with those who rejoice. mourn with those that mourn.
i was reading a blog today of a new friend who i have connected to through First Pres and through infertility. she has gone through the mill of infertility woes and i respect her calm and perseverance a lot. one of her post she was clearly not in the best mood which is of course in a way is comforting. just because we may have been given a peace about the unfulfilled desire doesn't mean there aren't crappy days. i'll be the first to admit i have had some of the worst lows i've ever experienced in dealing with this desire for chad and i to be parents. i look at him and it breaks my heart that he doesn't get to be a dad yet. he will be amazing. he is so kind and patient. he is so open to people of every walk of life no matter their differences. he possesses a quiet confidence and yet isn't cocky. he's intensely creative and puts his everything into the things he loves. i can't wait to see that correlate to parenting. i can't wait to parent with him. i think of our parents and how much it hurts them to see us be sad about the infertility and how fervently they pray for God's timing to be yesterday.
chad and i were driving somewhere the other day and i was kinda having a revelation about "us" when we become 3 or 4. being that we are creatures that learn from experience and by watching others i obviously pay close attention to the parenting practices of others. i do my best not to judge (cuz who am i to say its being done right or wrong i have no basis to argue) however it has come to my attention that there is a huge possibility that baby K takes the drivers seat when they get here. not only because we've wanted them for so long but it just seems to be common for a lot of parents to kinda put the marriage on a back burner and just do baby. i would be devastated if our priorities go outta wack. as long as we keep each other number 1 baby k should be as well balanced as we could hope for. i kinda think of it this way. i got to pick chad and he got to pick me. we wouldn't have chosen any one else. we don't get to chose who this child will be and if you know us and our families well enough you know there is a plethora of possibilities (we might be giving birth to a perfect stranger!). that being said i know it will be work but we have made that promise to each other to not lose sight of the gift of our marriage and our deep connection. i like this lesson. i don't know that we'd have learned it with out the wait.
anyways back to my original thought. sometimes its hard to rejoice with those who are rejoicing no matter what the topic. i used to have such a hard time when i'd hear of a new expecting moms. i felt sorry for myself. it was literally like every day that i checked my facebook someone else was pregnant and i still wasn't. it became kind of a joke. i was never mad at them or resentful towards them just really mad at God. why not me? why not me? what about me? can you hear me? i have fleeting moments of that still i don't think it completely goes away, but i fell as if i've matured a lot through the experience and i don't take it personally anymore. i had to wake up and just realize that it is just as easy as it is hard to get pregnant and God hasn't forgotten me. i really try to see others pregnancies as just as much a gift and it means that heaven isn't running out of babies!
i did a study on stress about a week ago because i feel physically tight and those of you that know i have had a chronic shoulder pain most of the time for the last 8 years or so, know it can really knock me down. ive seen many doctors and recieved a bunch of diagnosis's like pinched nerve, pluracy, and fibromialgia (sp?) and i always get sent home with steroids and vicatin (hooray vicatin). i have hated that its medicated and not fixed but they say they can't do anything. i've had deep tissue massages the works but no relief. so back to my study on stress. i read that good vitamins to take are b-complex (which i already take for fertility) d and a. they are good for reducing stress somehow so i learned that we may take these things but they may not be working. things that inhibit these vitamins from absorbing are caffeine (uh oh) alcohol cigarettes and diet drinks (double uh oh). also not getting enough exercise. i was walking the lake 3 times a week but i have learned its really best to have at least 45 minutes of exercise a day. now i was in a pickle. i hate walking at night and i hate waking up early. something's gotta give. so for almost a week now Jess yates Kostella has been waking up early with the birds and walking around the lake before the sun even comes up! i cut caffeine about 2 weeks ago i have already lowered the amount of drinking i do just cuz i hate how it makes me feel the next day but just to be disciplined i've given myself a 4 drink per week limit. when and if i do partake it'll be guiness (cuz its chock full of vitamins, prego's in the uk drink it for the vitamins!) or wine (but i really don't have a refined enough palate to enjoy wine without gingerale in it and that's a little too poke county!). of course i quit smoking long ago and thank God it is no longer a struggle to abstain from. i'm actually quite put off by them now which is truly a miracle. i used to even smoke in my dreams i enjoyed it so much! so.... the million dollar question is have my newer healthier habits paid off? i realize its still quite early but on day three chad looked at me and he said he hadn't seen me this happy in months! crazy what a change up can do but i'm on board and i plan on staying disciplined. i feel like a million bucks. minus the bum shoulder its still broken but i feel so renewed. hopefully my shoulder will notice how much fun the rest of my body is having and join the party. you never know!
Things are happening. things are moving and shaking and i feel really pumped about today. i'm not gonna miss out on it just because i want a baby. that baby will be here no sooner and no later than they are supposed to so i am determined to praise the Lord and be thankful and in awe of all that i have.
hooray.
chad and i were driving somewhere the other day and i was kinda having a revelation about "us" when we become 3 or 4. being that we are creatures that learn from experience and by watching others i obviously pay close attention to the parenting practices of others. i do my best not to judge (cuz who am i to say its being done right or wrong i have no basis to argue) however it has come to my attention that there is a huge possibility that baby K takes the drivers seat when they get here. not only because we've wanted them for so long but it just seems to be common for a lot of parents to kinda put the marriage on a back burner and just do baby. i would be devastated if our priorities go outta wack. as long as we keep each other number 1 baby k should be as well balanced as we could hope for. i kinda think of it this way. i got to pick chad and he got to pick me. we wouldn't have chosen any one else. we don't get to chose who this child will be and if you know us and our families well enough you know there is a plethora of possibilities (we might be giving birth to a perfect stranger!). that being said i know it will be work but we have made that promise to each other to not lose sight of the gift of our marriage and our deep connection. i like this lesson. i don't know that we'd have learned it with out the wait.
anyways back to my original thought. sometimes its hard to rejoice with those who are rejoicing no matter what the topic. i used to have such a hard time when i'd hear of a new expecting moms. i felt sorry for myself. it was literally like every day that i checked my facebook someone else was pregnant and i still wasn't. it became kind of a joke. i was never mad at them or resentful towards them just really mad at God. why not me? why not me? what about me? can you hear me? i have fleeting moments of that still i don't think it completely goes away, but i fell as if i've matured a lot through the experience and i don't take it personally anymore. i had to wake up and just realize that it is just as easy as it is hard to get pregnant and God hasn't forgotten me. i really try to see others pregnancies as just as much a gift and it means that heaven isn't running out of babies!
i did a study on stress about a week ago because i feel physically tight and those of you that know i have had a chronic shoulder pain most of the time for the last 8 years or so, know it can really knock me down. ive seen many doctors and recieved a bunch of diagnosis's like pinched nerve, pluracy, and fibromialgia (sp?) and i always get sent home with steroids and vicatin (hooray vicatin). i have hated that its medicated and not fixed but they say they can't do anything. i've had deep tissue massages the works but no relief. so back to my study on stress. i read that good vitamins to take are b-complex (which i already take for fertility) d and a. they are good for reducing stress somehow so i learned that we may take these things but they may not be working. things that inhibit these vitamins from absorbing are caffeine (uh oh) alcohol cigarettes and diet drinks (double uh oh). also not getting enough exercise. i was walking the lake 3 times a week but i have learned its really best to have at least 45 minutes of exercise a day. now i was in a pickle. i hate walking at night and i hate waking up early. something's gotta give. so for almost a week now Jess yates Kostella has been waking up early with the birds and walking around the lake before the sun even comes up! i cut caffeine about 2 weeks ago i have already lowered the amount of drinking i do just cuz i hate how it makes me feel the next day but just to be disciplined i've given myself a 4 drink per week limit. when and if i do partake it'll be guiness (cuz its chock full of vitamins, prego's in the uk drink it for the vitamins!) or wine (but i really don't have a refined enough palate to enjoy wine without gingerale in it and that's a little too poke county!). of course i quit smoking long ago and thank God it is no longer a struggle to abstain from. i'm actually quite put off by them now which is truly a miracle. i used to even smoke in my dreams i enjoyed it so much! so.... the million dollar question is have my newer healthier habits paid off? i realize its still quite early but on day three chad looked at me and he said he hadn't seen me this happy in months! crazy what a change up can do but i'm on board and i plan on staying disciplined. i feel like a million bucks. minus the bum shoulder its still broken but i feel so renewed. hopefully my shoulder will notice how much fun the rest of my body is having and join the party. you never know!
Things are happening. things are moving and shaking and i feel really pumped about today. i'm not gonna miss out on it just because i want a baby. that baby will be here no sooner and no later than they are supposed to so i am determined to praise the Lord and be thankful and in awe of all that i have.
hooray.
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