no tears no sir

i have been out of synch for a few weeks. now this isn't a bad thing its just different. i'm sure it all spawned from being off the meds for a couple months but i have been wondering why i'm not sad. isn't that weird? i should be sad. i mean yeah i've prayed for God to give me peace throughout each day but i guess i never expected to have so much peace that i was confused as to where that nagging sadness went. its perplexing. i'm not excited that i'm not sad i'm just more relieved. you'd think maybe its because i just haven't had to face it daily but the past few weeks/months have been littered with an explosion of pregancies. i mean way more than normal. its like every week or so someone that i have direct connections to whether it be socially or at work is pregnant or their wife is pregnant. in my new section there are 3 (one due any day now) and just it looks like another will be giving us her good news in a matter of days (she's late). its everywhere and i just haven't caught it yet but maybe thats it. maybe i haven't been sad about all these pregnancies because miracles are happening all around me. by deductive reasoning wouldn't it make sense that its just a matter of time til it happens to me? <-- rhetorical don't answer that...
an update on where we are with the stuff people can't keep there noses out of. and i'll say it again ladies, if i want your expert opinion i'll come running. til then no need for concern you have bigger fish to fry. the decisions we make are up to chad and i. we will only do what we are comfortable with. i do have "advisors" the ones i ask questions to (besides the doctor) are ones who have walked this road and have ended up with children. makes sense right?! all i'll say at this point is i did finally start my period on my own(i didn't want to take the meds to start it again so we waited) and we are stepping up the fertitlity "stuff" a notch a little differently this time around so that's always exciting.
i'm calm. i'm not getting to far ahead of myself this round. today is saturday its beautiful. i walked and saw all my favorite birds on hollingsworth and i'm gonna go now and by myself a birthday outfit.
i don't want to turn 30. really i don't. i wanted to have children by 30.. hell i wanted to be done having kids by 30. God has something different planned and i'm excited about what 30 might bring but it just sounds so adult to me. i am going to be a mother. i know that w/o a shadow of a doubt. i don't know how and when and by what means it will happen but it will trust God.