just what i need

as i posted earlier i was really feeling low for a good long while. worthless, out of touch, less of a woman, less of a wife, gloomy, and wallowing in my own self pity. these feelings and stages come and go as my womanly cycle comes and goes (infertility is literally a roller-coaster due to the blessed female cycle). so much is wrapped up in day one of your period... it means the best thing ever and the worst all at the same time. its great because this is day one of your potential pregnancy.. in about two weeks the egg will be released and if met at the right time w/the right sperm... magic... being on the fertility meds it gets exciting even earlier because i get to start taking the magic pills on day five and then start testing for ovulation around day 11. the crap thing about day one is very obvious. it means the last magical cycle didn't work. and i cry. then i pray begging and pleading, then screaming at God to just freaking do it. enough already.
this is the up and down of infertility. start wait stop. rinse and repeat. well even with proper guidance and focus no woman makes it out unscathed. i say now that's not so bad. as i've said before this has been my right of passage and i can't imagine going through anything quite like it. thats not so bad. God hears me. God hears you. He isn't withholding to make me sad. He is molding and making me into what will be a patient and persevering mom. all these tools that i've hated gathering up over the past few years will be so essential in raising this gift He will provide.
man i always get off on such a rambling tangent. the whole reason i decided to blog today was to share.
when i read through the Bible back in december and january i would stop to write the verses that spoke to me the loudest. i threw them in my huge messenger bag i lug everywhere and thought they would be nice to stumble upon in the future. it was kind of a way to remind future jess of what the present jess was learning and getting hope from.
perfect timing because i did feel like i was slipping a little yesterday... due to the screw up/blessing of the progesterone i was prescribed it threw my cycle of course completely. not surprising since it seems i can sneeze and miss a period. we are still waiting to get to the next cycle and of course i always have a tiny bit of hope even when i know i didn't ovulate that there is a little miracle about to happen. due to the boundaries i'm still attempting to set up with a few of you out there i won't divulge what day i'm on but i am super late. i took a test yesterday morning and it was a negative (which we expected so no tears). once the reality sinks in that i am empty it starts eating at me and i really have to focus on weeding out the negative thoughts (like the i'll nevers) and the doubts that so easily tangle me up. still i see the prescription snafu as a blessing. we've needed a break and it was forced upon us. i was so torn about taking a break that God intervened and because of the meds i got what i wanted and don't feel like i'm doing something to cause us to have to wait longer. i guess now that i know i'm not pregnant for sure and its been a while since the last cycle i'm ready to get back on course. kinda like riding a bike eh? He is so good to us.
so with out furthur ado let me share the verses that i stumbled across today when i was searching through my bag for my phone... i pray this is healing and helpful to any one who takes the time to read...
psalms 21:2 you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.

psalms 20:4 may he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed.

2 kings 4:15-17 Then Elisha said call her so he called her and she stood in the doorway. About this time next year elisha said, you will hold a son in your arms. But the woman became pregnant and the next year about the same time she gave birth to a son.

coll 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful.

matt 7:9-11 ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
isaiah 61:7 instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.

psalms 94:18-19 When i said my foot is slipping your love , O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great with in me your consolation brought joy to my soul.

psalms 119:169+176 May my cry come before you O Lord give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. may my lips overflow w/praise, for each you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous. may your hand be ready to help me for i have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation O Lord and your law is my delight. let me live that i may praise you and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for i have not forgotten your commandments.

Psalm 127 unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. unless the lord watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for fod to eat for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord. Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Col 3:23/24 whatever you are doing work at it w/enthusiasm as to the Lord and not for people. because you know that you will recieve your inheritance from the Lord as the reward. Serve the Lord Christ.

Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you should answer everyone.

phillipians 3:13b forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to these who are tired to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. even you get tired and weary; even strong men can stumble. But those who wait for the lords help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles wings they run w/o growing weary they walk w/o getting tired.

isaiah 40z¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

hebrews 10:35-39 so do not throw away your confidence;; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what he has promised. For in just a very little while he who is coming will come and will not delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back i will not be pleased with him. but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who believe and are saved!

ps 27:14/ 28:6-7 wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The lord is my strength and my sheild my heart trusts in him and i am helped

ps 34:10 the lions may grow weak and hungry but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

ps 31:24 be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord.

2 peter 1:3-9 for this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control perseverence; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.