fertility is not easy for anyone to deal with. its stressful emotional and depressing. its easy to succumb to feelings of doubt, guilt, and worthlessness. its one of the things women do. its part of what is feminine. when you find out its gonna take a long while it makes you feel like you aren't as good as the other women spitting out babies left and right then saying "oops! can't believe i got pregnant again!". if you haven't walked it yourself or known someone close who has you might need to brush up on what is politically correct to say. to help i have am going to create a never say list.
#1 - never say "oh just stop worrying about it and relax. as soon as you stop caring its gonna happen!" this is neither encouraging or wise counsel. studies show that stress has very little to do w/one's fertility. look at countries in east africa. they are under wild oppression and genocide and babies are still being born. plenty of us "inferitles" have stopped worrying and given up for a while and no baby. so quit
#2 - never think that just because someone tells you about their infertility woes that they are looking for your expert opinion on the matter. you'll know if they want your diagnosis by them saying "what do you think i should do?". most of us just want someone to listen. we know you don't have the answer, just be a friend.
#3 - never say "why don't you just go adopt ?" or "you should do invitro!". contrary to what you might think not all babies are free. now i know this might come as a shock but you have to pay to do both of those (like thousands and thousands of dollars). your standard domestic adoption is around 20k. a round of invitro is between 7-10k. maybe i am desperate to have a child but i will not be a bad steward to get there. now in my case if i had an extra 20k sitting around we'd have adopted a baby a year ago. when couples choose to not do adoption or invitro remember it may not actually be a choice. its a sensitive subject.
#4 don't tell us about how you know someone. what do i mean by that? don't tell me you know about an aunts sisters daughter's infertility and she did a b and c and finally after x amount of time she got pregnant! or about that gal's sister who's also infertile and she never did get pregnant and now she dogsits. hearing happy stories is great but we already know that infertile women get pregnant all the time its just when the right time comes. hearing sad stories only makes me feel bad for someone else. it doesn't make me feel better to know that anyone else has to go through this kind of pain even if they are a stranger. i wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
so just think before you speak. remember that us "infertiles" do our research and we know the options that are out there and the toughest part at the end of the day is just being patient. its not so much what meds to take or what foods to eat or how much cash to save up. those are exterior stresses that are part of the wait. no one likes to wait. not in 2011. you can get everything immediately. there are few things that require patience and diligence. dealing with infertility requires ample doses of both. there is always redeeming value to it. the reward/gift/child/blessing/family is the biggest payout i can fathom. every millisecond between this moment and that one is worth it.
by the way just about every time i type infertility i spell it wrong. you'd think i'd have it down pat by now right?!
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