so if you've talked to me for 5 minutes about fertility you know that i have researched it from stem to stern. i've obsessed over just being educated... maybe that's a control thing i don't know but i fee like the more i know the better my chances are for being my own and my childs advocate. with the last 3 cycles i had spotting too early after ovulation. i read in medical journals that it could mean i'm not producing enough progesterone to keep my lining from shedding early and that it is a common supplement given to women who have a short luteal phase (days from ovulation to 1st day of period). in a normal gal a good luteal phase is somewhere between 12-14 days... which makes sense if you ovulate around day 14 you'll start anywhere from days 28-30 if you aren't pregnant. well obviously with only a 9 day luteal phase the embryo has less time to implant securely before it is shed away w/the rest of the lining (period). in every case i've read about the progesterone is taken after ovulation because that is when the body naturally should be producing more and also if taken too early it can prevent ovulation altogether. i knew this before i called to ask if i could be prescribed it. when they called back saying yes you can use it the doctor prescribed it to be taken from day one of my cycle. that struck me as odd since everything i've read says don't do it so i said are you sure? they said yep so i've followed doctors orders and as i've already stated been miserable on the progesterone since that day. its been 2 1/2 weeks and i'm not getting used to it. i told a friend of mine today besides just feeling low and tired all the time i get so dizzy i've run into every door jam in the house. ugh! i know we aren't supposed to hate but i hate progesterone.
today is day 16. i've gone into a minor anxiety mode because i should've ovulated today (every cycle on clomid when i've ovulated its day 16). i got nervous yesterday because i started spotting (won't go into detail but its not a period) just like the last 3 months where i've started spotting day 25 except i'm only on day 16. there are a few explanations for it like evidently progesterone can irritate the cervix causing "sloughing" or slight bleeding especially after sex. regardless its the not knowing and all the speculating that makes me crazy. for me yeah the 2 week wait after ovulation is sorta stressful but my main stress is "am i gonna ovulate?" that for me has always been the hardest. i guess its because once i ovulate then i get filled up every cycle with all the hopes and potential and excitement that i don't even wanna test at the 2 week point b/c i wanna hang on to the hope as long as i can before i have to be disappointed and start all over. pathetic huh? well i just needed to get this out today. it's so hard to not think about it and not wonder if i'll ovulate tomorrow instead. how long will i wait for ovulation before i call the doc's office and yell at somebody for sabotaging this cycle. i only get to do the clomid 12 times before it becomes unsafe so wasting one cycle on a bad judgment call is not acceptable. i've got so many thoughts flying around my head about it and all i want to do is throw my burden at God and say "here, You deal with this" i know that's all God wants but how am i supposed to stop caring about it? how can this be put on a backburner. faith requires action. without action its useless so i am doing what i can to act on a God given desire. i'm tired though. my heart hurts. i don't want to be afraid. i know that i have nothing to be afraid of... i think i'm really being tested right now and i hope i pass. hopefully the testing is over with soon.
God i know and have learned throughout my life that when the going gets tough you are there stronger and louder than ever even if i can't tell. my prayer is that you will let me feel your comfort. restore the joy that i gained back in december and january and allow me to praise you uninterrupted regardless of fertility. i truly want to be able to say thank you for the things you have and haven't given me because your plan is the one i want to be a part of. if you have ordered these steps and answered my prayer to guide each move we make then i thank you for the pain. how am i supposed to understand the will of God. its silly to think it should all make sense but something in me will still seek after as much knowledge as you'll allow me to have. Lord i fail in so many ways daily. i have a huge problem with gossip and judgement of others, i am impatient and unfocused. forgive me for not having a persevering and steadfast attitude lately. i was so thrown off by not being pregnant last cycle that i haven't felt comfortable trusting since. i know you know that and i pray that you will sustain peace within me. help me in my unbelief. help me to realize that my life is not about me and chad and us raising a family. that's what i want, that's my plan. help me see the bigger picture that your plan or will is galaxies wide and that time is not important to you. help me to operate less by time and worry that we'll never catch up. thank you for recently blessing so many of my close daily friends with pregnancies. i'm so happy for them and thought that might mean i too would soon be pregnant. its hard to not want to go through it with your friends. thank you for giving me the courage to meet it head on and for giving me true happiness for them. when all is quiet and no one sees i run and cry because i am sad for us and i want to share good news with all of them too. i know that they hurt for us and want a pregnancy for us too so we can share in parenting together. clearly that is not your plan for us today. i don't get why and there i go again trying to dig up answers to impossible questions but I want to trust you. i will keep trusting you regardless of how impossible this seems. nothing is impossible with my Creator. that's why you are the one i picked :). please end this fertility journey soon. we have been tested and i'm not going anywhere. i will not give up on you because you will never give up on me.
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