tears today

i don't know if its me just being sad or if its the new cocktail of meds i'm on but i have been a ball of emotions today. side effects from the hormones sure that's easy to blame it on but i'm just low today. i feel spent. heard an amazing sermon this morning that was right up our ally about moses and sarah's journey with infertility... they waited decades upon decades (good thing lifespan was long back then). what has made me feel so crappy is that i've tried to make it so we aren't miserable while we wait and we accomplish life as it should be accomplished until our parenting days come. i don't want to miss out on enjoying life just because i have a desire for a child. what set me back today was the story of abraham and sarah doesn't really begin until they have issac. 100 years of God's promises abraham's obedience then both he and sarah's disobedience to force the child into the world through his concubine hagar and all sort of turmoil jealousy and selfishness that festered on lack of faith. God still promised that sarah would have a child she was in her 90's.. even for chicks in that day she was way past child baring years so it was a miracle. its a neat story. its moving it shows the cycles of faith (which most of the cycle isn't the fun part). i just hate that there wasn't a big focus on what they were doing while they waited as if all these years passed by and it was just time. did God provide? yes, but why that many years... for some couples its excruciating to try for a few months and not conceive ... i don't want to feign my excitement to have to go through another cycle (i was just so sure that last month i'd be pregnant). i am hopeful always but how long can i recycle these positive thoughts and muster up enough trust to see it through.
i'm praying constantly. i'm reading great books about purpose, praise and fear. i'm filling my mind with words from the Bible that encourage and sustain me but today doubt has crept in big time. i'm having a hard time not focusing on my tomorrows. i've considered the last few months to take a break from the fertility meds. the thought to do that is daunting because my cycles are so erratic that tracking ovulation is nearly impossible. yes i'm nervous about losing control over it. before i'm judged for this please do remember most women know exactly when they are gonna start, ovulate, and start again so i don't feel guilty about not wanting to give up the "normal" gift the meds have given me. i have felt so privileged these last 5 cycles to know almost precisely when things are gonna happen and it scares the hell out of me to think that i'm about to go back to it. just typing it now makes my stomach burn.
i'm just super confused today. i knew with out a doubt that it was time to seek the medical advice and get tested. i have prayed for guided steps along each decision we have made and felt so sure about this journey til the last couple months. the reason i haven't quit yet is #1 i'm scared (no duh) #2 i don't want my choice to quit the meds to make this process any longer #3 i said i'd give it 6 cycles #4 i don't want to feel like i gave up.
well i'm on my 6th now where i'm taking a more potent clomid dosage and adding the progesterone (which may be the reason i feel so blue) to keep me from having my period early. i have tried to drill into my mind to take each day at a time and not get flustered about what i'm gonna do down the line. i just feel so unadvised and stalled out right now. right now at 6:34 pm on march the 20th i want to give up. check with me tomorrow maybe i'll be singin' with the song birds ready to press on and make this kid. i hope so. i hate the way i feel right now. i hate crying i hate a crying headache and a crying runny nose. i think i've stored up some of these tears and today the floodgates opened. i guess one good thing is that this fertility bullshit has made me a lot more sensitive. cute right?
lord i need you right now more than anything. you are the God of promises and deliverance and I can't do this alone... i know i keep trying to and i'm so stupid for forgetting its not about me. forgive me for doubting and for wallowing in self pity today. thank you for renewing my spirit and keeping me afloat since we started this fertility quest. each day you have given me just enough peace to look back at the last few years and be thankful. i need it today. an extra dose if you please cuz i'm hurting. i know you haven't forgotten us. You know that it feels like that sometimes and Your will is bigger than me having to know why your timing can't be now. part of my wants to delete this whole thing because i don't want to turn to you right now. my selfish nature is doing a great job at selling me into the thought that You are withholding for no good reason. yes, i know that sounds ridiculous but You know my innermost thoughts so this is not a surprise. help me in my unbelief. thank you for this. i hate it but thank you anyways.