prayer

i am reading a book by Katie Brazelton called "pathway to purpose" as i am involved in a bible study with some other women from my church. i have been on a huge reading kick the past several months and was excited to read the book more than going to the meetings if i'm honest. i just feel so uncomfortable in a group. i have been a couple times. even though i like it my body hates that much social interaction each time i come home w/every muscle in my back and neck just stiff as a board. growing up with some ocd tendencies i have had to learn that the way you overcome a fear is to expose yourself to it. so that's why i have gone to the study. exposure therapy. i didn't go last sunday because i fell off the faith wagon that day. i was talking through it with my dad yesterday at dinner and i articulated it best by just saying exactly how the abraham and sarah story hits me. it just plain sucks. even sarah is quoted by saying to God "(really?) now i will have this pleasure?"... of course she's probably thinking something like "hell, i'm 90 something years old and now i get the desire of my heart right before i kick the bucket. awesome, thanks God. you did what you said you were going to. you fulfilled your promise. neat but because i had to wait this long i'm too old to keep up let alone enjoy parenting w/friends and family members cuz their children have grown and they are grand parents now. the more i think of their story the less i like it. i know its supposed to give us inspiration that God will not withhold his promises. i know that i just don't want to be 40. more specifically i don't want to feel this longing deep seeded desire for another 10 years. for now i need to forget about abraham and sarah.. perhaps one day their story will inspire me again but for right now the story sucks.
so back to the prayer eh?
boy howdy do i need to make this my plea:
"God, today I empty myself to be filled by you. give me the grace to love you whether or not you bless my family or me anymore. I am content with whatever you choose to bless me with-- or even subtract from me--my kids, eyes, hands, voice, limbs, energy, or possessions. They are all yours not mine. I am sorry for my arrogance in acting as though i was giving something to you that belonged to me. In reality, everything I have is already yours; its simply on loan to me. I leave everything in your hands. you have big hands. I trust you."

when i finished my previous blog post i was re-reading it and of course was a ball of tears and chad came home. he was locked out so i got the humbling opportunity to meet him at the door all puffy and tear stained. he immediately hugged me and of course asked what was wrong. my response "the same thing its not working". i really don't know what i meant by its not working besides just me being a baby about it and throwing the meds under the bus cuz they are easy to blame. he just hugged me tight and let me cry it out and talked me through it. i won't go into detail about it cuz these things are private b/w us but i am so thankful he can talk when its important.

so today i need to surrender. i've been trying. i don't exactly know how but i'm trying to focus on what i can do to stay calm, steadfast, self controlled, and at peace with God. today will be ok. hopefully tomorrow will be better.