Stressed, flailing, exhaling loudly for some reason

The viewing and funeral have come and gone. It was like being in a movie. The pictures on the ledger site are incredible. So much grief, so much sadness, so many people standing in the rain during Gerry's funeral mass because they couldn't squeeze another body inside the church. So much unity. That's what he did. Gerry brought us all together. I met chad there, I met Lesley, josh, HL Leo and so many others at Molly's. So many important friendships. So many epic moments discovering God, love, politics and laughter. We popped in last night after dinner to see if things what the climate would be like. I was put off that it seemed so easy going inside. The flower arrangements are still lining the inside and most of the bartenders look like they haven't slept in a week. I'm not ready to see people having innocent fun yet. It seems disrespectful. Gerry would be glad though that things are picking back up. He wouldn't want the lamenting to drag out.

Today is his funeral ceremony back in ireland. Molly and the kids and all the brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews flew to Galway on Thursday to be with Gerry's parents and prepare a service for him in his home town. Praying for them as they wrap up these final days of scheduled grieving. I hope they get some down time when they get back to just try to find their new normal.

With all the craziness of the last week my very sensitive cycle had been thrown off and being as tired and emotionally exhausted from Gerry's passing as I am I have felt doubt creep in. I want to give up again. I want to not care at all.

Then I'm brought back to the experience of walking out of the church behind the enormous McHugh family as they walk the casket over and put him in the hearse. They all have their arms around each others shoulders and someone starts singing an Irish hymn as they gently lift the coffin into the back. A chill blows through and it's drizzling rain still as they do what chad said can only be described as "wailing". The kids are balling, crossing themselves to keep from collapsing to the ground, these big mchugh men uncontrollably crying over the brother they had never realized had made such a huge impact on so many. No doubt they knew he was special, they just didn't know that so many others had figured it out. I spoke to one of Gerry's sisters briefly about an hour or so later at Molly's and she said they had no idea he'd made such an impact on so many, and that's because he'd have never boasted about it. That was Gerry. He would have been shocked at the turnout and support. That's what made the last week all the more unique.

Watching that family come together and connect with our families, and friends made that ache for a baby to really start to feel raw again. It was inspiring and catastrophic and ugly and precious all wrapped into one. I had so many people ask the normal "how are you?"... We were all doing it, mindlessly. I eventually felt the most comfortable saying, "I dont know.". The sadness would just wax and wain. I thought by Wednesday night i couldn't possibly cry another tear. So wrong! It was inexplicable. I want to describe some of those moments in detail but nothing will capture it.

Now I'm just trying to get back to normal. Things won't be the same. That doesn't mean they'll be bad. It's just not downtown without Gerry McHugh.

My immediate family is fragmented and in many ways won't be repaired. I'm grieving the loss of unity right now. For chad too. He has more cohesiveness on the Kostella side but still it's broken. The Mchughs though I'm sure they have their faults as well have that something special that I crave. A big group of dear friends.

It's like chad and I have that syntality between us and there is so much closeness and sense of belonging that it kills me to not be sharing it with our children yet. It's like we have this members only club that is itching for new recruits. Please oh please let the sadness end. Let there be resolve to this dismal song so we can start singing something else.