Setting records and taking names...

Nurse Marty says they haven't seem numbers like ours in years! 

Feeling excited! Hooray!! Feeling much better now that we are super informed. 

So the protocol is extensive. To say the least! The transfer will be in about 4 weeks. After I take crap tons of shots and pills and shots and pills. Holy mackerel! 

- I'll start taking Lupron subcutaneous (20 units) on (4/26) which is day 21. 

- 5/6 (anniversary #7) we visit the Dr for bloodwork and lining measurement (at this point both the lining,  hcg and estrogen levels need to be very low)

- (5/7) After that should everything be a-ok we'll start taking lupron (10 units and estrace (1mg)

- (5/12) increase estrace to 20mg

- (5/13) bloodwork/lining check

- (5/16) increase estrace to 40mg

- tentative (5/20) pre op w/dr to check lining and estrogen

The rest is all based on that appt. if it looks good then I'll start intramuscular progesterone oil injections until Transfer day (end of May).  Then we start Crinone (vaginal suppository of progesterone). 

Once I get a positive pregnancy test we keep doing estrace and progesterone until week 10. 

Clear as mud? Ok good :)

Moody blues

I'm a little disheartened today. Can't shake it though I've only been awake for an hour.  It makes me angry that its so easy for others and my journey has been such a hardship. I hate infertility. Today is just a reminder of how hard the last almost 5 years has been. Today hurts my feelings all over again. Hoping I can shake  it off as today is also potentially day 9-10 of our pregnancy. Though the embryo is not inside of me it will be soon. I need to stay at peace with our journey and not focus on how others have it so easy. Easy is probably not the best term to use but I'm being immature at the moment and just feel like bitching. Whoa is me. 

When I get this sort of down I usually dust off my bible app and see where it lands (a modern day close your eyes and flip to a random page and take whatever you read as a direct sign from God... We've all done it). It landed on Hebrews 12:1-3 and was surprisingly perfect for my defeated mood. Glad it didn't land me in the "begats", that would have been a bad joke! 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)"

It's Emma's birthday!

It's my niece Emma's birthday. She's 7! This kid has been praying for us to have a baby since she learned how to talk. She has been at times prophetic in her discussions w/me about the baby in my belly. I'm sure a lot of it is confusing as she doesn't know where they come from and most likely doesn't know any other people like me that want a baby and didn't just "get one". We just chatted for a minute so I could wish her a happy bday and she told me about her day thus far and her plans for the rest. 

She then changed the subject and asked it I'd taken a test to see if I had a baby in my belly. I said no but I probably will in a few weeks. She said matter o factly, "Well if it says complete then you are going to have a baby". 

Complete. 

Yes we are almost at complete. Then things will really get interesting right?!?!

My next appointment is a nurse consult on 4/18 to go over consent forms, meds, and protocol. More when I know more! We found out yesterday morning that 21 made it to blast. That's a 66% success rate when the norm is 30%. We are truly excited about the future. I get to eat normally again (stoked to get to gain that 10 pounds back) and I get to moderately exercise!! Hooray for today. Hooray for Emma! 

Donation Doubt and Diet

http://www.embryoadoption.org/faqs/donors.cfm

The above website is what I'm focusing my mind on right now. Giving. 

Giving. 

Giving. 

I battled some high anxiety moments yesterday. I was pretty mad at myself for not being able to calm down (worrying about things I have zero control over) so I started researching donation. This website is extensive to say the least. The FAQ tab is amazing. Answering questions I didn't even know were questions! CRM (our clinic) is on the list of clinics that assist with donation so that seemed like a good sign. From what I read most embryo adoptions are open but they are as open as we choose for it to be. I honestly don't know if we'd want to be all that connected to the adopting family until ours and their kid/kids are old enough to understand the donation fully. We have been given this incredible opportunity not only to pursue having our own children (as many as we want it seems) but to also help make another couples desire come to fruition. My cup is spilling over with the thoughts that we'll have a surplus of blastocysts. 

Bringing me to my anxiety issue from yesterday. I somehow missed the call from Wendy and she left a confusing message. She said there were still 32. Honestly that doesn't make any sense. No, I'm not being pessimistic I'm using the numbers. About 30% of fertilized eggs make it to blast. On day 5 we should have 9-11 (which is still insanely high for any ivf result). So I'm just antsy wanting to know from the embryologist how many blasts we have. My thought is that Wendy was just reading to me how many fertilized since the 32 were all still dividing by day 3. My assumption is that my report hadn't been updated  yet when she called yesterday. That makes sense though b/c they don't call on day 4 I called on day 4 (wish I hadn't). I can clearly blame this mess on myself for trying to get updates too early. Wendy even told me to call back Monday for the final number but I called again this morning. The embryologist was gone already so again they say call back Monday. 

Why so anxious? I haven't felt like that since the morning of retrieval and then I had good reason to be nervous. Yesterday I just let my mind wander to all the bad thoughts. 

What if they all quit dividing?

What if they forgot about us?

What if they froze them too early?

Why would I worry about any of this stuff? None of it is in my control. I can't get answers early on something that takes time to develop. And yet I sit here freaking out that something has gone wrong. Even if it has/had what can I do about it? Nothing. We want this to work so badly and good God we have come so far. We can finally see the finish line but everything must go exactly to plan. My expectation was to know today (day 5) how many blasts we had. I guess since we aren't doing the fresh transfer their protocol has nothing to do w/me since I don't play another part until Act 2 "the frozen transfer" (that's what we'll call it). We already know to have zero expectations and since ivf came into our lives each step had exceeded everyone's expectations so I think I have been spoiled. Monday we'll know. Don't you know ill be ringing that phone up at 8am!

Feels better just writing about it. 

Side note: this diet to prevent oss has me down 10 pounds. Lost 2 more since yesterday. Most girls would be thrilled but I'm little already and use to exercising and eating whatever I want to stay fit and strong. I haven't been allowed to exercise or eat carbs for over 2 weeks and I'm noticeably weaker and wasting away! Luckily I get to ask Monday as well if I can get off the damn diet and get back to light exercise. There are boxes of Mac and cheese w/my name all over them waiting!!

Still holding strong at 32

In a way it's like we're at square one.

I wrote that yesterday and it took me a sec to remember why. My brain has been all over the place with this surplus of embryos. I've gone from feeling "what the hell?" to "it's a miracle!" to "we have to donate." Our cup is spilling over and we feel like the only thing that makes sense is to give some of the left over embryos and other infertiles a chance. We will cross that bridge when we get there but chad and I are both excited about the chance to give such a gift. 

We are still at 32. The nurse yesterday said the numbers are "off the page."  Good to hear. Nice to know its all out of our hands. I may not get the final count til Monday. I will still call tomorrow :).

Oh my goodness...........

I can't believe it. We had 32 eggs fertilize! The shock and awe of it all! Yes, I'm wondering what the hell has been our problem over the last 5 years but trying to leave it in the past and jump for freaking joy that ivf has exceeded our expectations thus far. As the next few days pass most likely we won't end up w/32 blastocysts but the awesome thing is we should still have a bunch that make it to blast(day 5, Saturday). I'm feeling such relief that its all happening. I thought to myself that they'd have 11 that fertilized. 10 from icsi and one that had the proper key to the lock. That would have been ironic but to have so many is astounding. What a great day. They'll update us w/the numbers on Thursday and then again on Saturday. Woo hoo!

45 eggs and a lot of pain.

I'm on Vicodin so won't make this as long winded as per usual. Excited they retrieved so many. Shocked that she said 45. We'll know how many fertilized tomorrow. They said to expect a lot of pain due to the 45 sticks. I was not a happy camper when I woke up. It was awful but worth every moment of pain.

Kostellas do their egg hunting on April fools.

It's apropos right? Easter was yesterday and the ironically fertile infertiles get to do egg retrieval on the one day per year that the joke is on everyone. Of course i like that!

There is that nervous excitement and tiny bit of dread pitted in the bottom of my stomach. I'm undoubtedly afraid that I won't have any eggs and that further more if I do that none will fertilize. These are not things I can control so naturally they are the things I fear. I slept well, woke up feeling ready but calm still. Once I was up and getting ready the nerves started setting in. We are en route to winter park now and I am very amped up on the inside. 

Dr Riggall said that with as many large follicles it is highly unlikely that I wouldn't have any eggs, he is expecting quite a few. His bedside manner  isn't as confident as Dr. Loy's. Dr Patel will be doing the egg retrieval. We've not met her yet but I'm excited to. Will post when I find out how many they collect. 

This morning Chady and I are hugging in the kitchen and I just blurt out a call to God and the universe "please help there be lots of eggs. Please help this work." Chad says, "I don't have any eggs. I'm sorry." Goofball. Oh if we prayed to our spouses.