written by holly gerth.. a-mazing.. sums up exactly where i want my mind/heart/focus to be.
We're all running a race.
But it isn't what you might imagine.
We don't have the same starting line.
The same distance to go.
The same steps to take.
Our finish lines are even in different places.
You see, my friend, we're not running on a track--
we're each running on a one-lane path.
In the Kingdom, there's no such thing as competition.
It's impossible.
Because no one else ever has or ever will run your race.
So go for it, my friend, be strong, brave, beautiful YOU all the way to the end.
{Psst, here's a secret: You've already won.}
hearttoheart@holleygerth.com
i'm getting to a better place. the last few weeks have been a whirlwind that chad and i tried to not be a part of but at the end of the day and the height of the storm we didn't have a choice. i would love to write all about what happened but out of respect for the victims in the situation i won't. i do however feel like sharing some of what i've learned... i imaging that what i'm about to write will sound very cliche and probably a bit confusing if you don't know what happened. but just know that chad and i are fine. this was not our issue but because of all the other people involved we didn't have a choice but to play a minor role in the made for tv drama.
1. i learned that i am a lot more naive than i ever imagined. maybe i just am easy to fool or i subconsciously allowed my self to be bamboozled because i hate being angry with people.
2. that even when you think you know a person things can change in a matter of minutes and then your back to #1.
3. i learned that by saying "i support your decision no mater what" can be risky if you haven't thought of every potential outcome... needless to say i am at this point mad that i said that to one of the victims.
4. i learned that "falling on the sword" may look like the most selfless act and even feel that way but in the end could be the most selfish decision and create even more hurt down the road. not every action has an equal and opposite reaction when it comes to the heart. <---thats why i wish kept that "i support your decision no matter what" to myself. i may never say that again long as i live. i like to stick to my promises and hold up my words but in this case i made a mistake.
then to number 5.. this is the wildest of them all...
5. i questioned for days whether or not i wanted to have children because of the situation chad and i got thrown into... i know crazy as it sounds and crazy as if feels to type that i actually had moments a couple weeks back where i hoped that the last cycle didn't work! now i'm sure all the stress and sleepless nights helped keep us from conceiving but i was really turned upside down. questioning why in the world i'd want to bring innocent children into this world that is so inwardly focused and outwardly numb. a world that regardless of faith, upbringing, common sense and integrity does whatever feels good and chooses the rush of spontaneity over the reward of joy and peace that wisdom of self control bring. i felt like it would be a slap in the face to bring children into a place where you don't have to finish what you start and work hard to accomplish goals. a place where its okay to quit because you don't feel like it.
dark days.
... but we still have a desire, God and biology given to create life. to nurture and parent these precious and potentially terrible gifts. they may turn out like lunatics. chad and i have been given so much knowledge and have had an incredible blessing of watching others. taking notes on what all our loved ones are doing when it comes to parenting. we have some amazing examples that have been set before us that have been selfless in raising there children (amanda and josh). they specifically are the ones we have looked up to for years as their kids have grown. they've incorporated their children into there lives rather than living around their kids as if they're in the way. they have worked together in keeping each other priority one and not setting the kids between them. they are incredible parents and it didn't come easy. it was and is hard work but their efforts have not gone unnoticed by chad and i. she's been my best friend for most of our lives and i am so proud. she is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. much closer.
so even though i wish upon every star and plane that shoots through the sky that God will bring children into our lives i can take these days that we are not yet parents and learn SO much from others. will we do it perfectly? heck no. i don't expect to be the mother of the year, however we have a very good outline of how we will attack parenting together because of all the examples around us. that's worth its weight in gold.
i feel like my road/race/journey/trial/triumph/whatever you'd like to call it is about to turn. by turn i really don't know what i mean but i feel change a comin'. i don't know if that means baby soon or what but i have felt this before and certainly things have changed. i'm being broken and built up, broken a bit more, then put back together a little better each time. it hurts but i know it is all for a much much bigger picture.
