Supplementing with my gray areas

Happy 7 weeks tomorrow!

Exclusive Breastfeeding is coming to an end. We tried our damnedest but with Oliver's lack of interest (he just plays) and my diminishing supply (due to said lack of interest) we started supplementing today. After a week of pumping after every feed and adding that milk to the next feed 8 times a day (yes I felt like a farm animal) he only gained 3 ounces. It's been an exhausting week but I am relieved to finally have a plan I know will help him thrive. To celebrate our breastfeeding failure I bought a baby brezza formula pro! Now our feeds that with nursing for 30, bottle feeding for 10 and pumping for an extra 15 are going to be only about 15 minutes. I have no clue what I'm going to do with the extra time. 

I'm certainly feeling all different emotions. Mommy guilt that I can't give him just breast milk for as long as I wanted to but relief that he will finally start gaining like he should. Last week was really rough on me physically and I don't know that I could have kept up if the doctor had suggested that I continue with the 8 pumping sessions a day. 

Here's to another gray area that I was not expecting. It's definitely humbling but I'll give him everything I can pump as long as i have it.  

Say a little prayer for us as we transition. He took his first two bottles of formula like there was no difference at all. I'm very lucky that he's not particular. 

Growth spurt and Bessie the milk cow.

Written about a week ago:
So around 6 weeks babies have a growth spurt and for a few days get ravenously hungry, a bit fussy and need to eat what seems like constantly! Oliver is following those guidelines by the book! Literally the book says exactly what Oliver is doing. It's creepy :). Starting yesterday afternoon he was hungry every 1.5-2 hours (minus a 4 he stretch in the night thank God!!) and would not let us put him down. It was sweet and exhausting. These spurts can last 1-4 days. We'll see what he does. He follows his own timeline we know that for sure!! The spurt will signal my body to make more milk so I can meet his new caloric needs. It's all ridiculously interesting to me how in tune our bodies are with each other.
He has started to snuggle with his giraffe lovie. It's the cutest thing ever. He rubs it between his fingers when he's getting sleepy then puts it on his face for naps. My nephew did the same thing. It freaks me out so I don't let him have it at night, just for monitored naps.
Written today:
On to Bessie the milk cow. So clearly our boy is long and lean. He is from my measurement now a hair over 24 inches. It's crazy that he's already around a 3rd of the height he'll be as an adult. 24 inches puts him in the 95th percentile. His head is still enormous. His weight is not so impressive. He was 7.12 at his last appointment (Tuesday) which puts him lower than the 5th percentile for weight. The doctor said it may just be genetics. Our eating predicament is a unique one. Here's why... Oliver feeds about every 3 hours during the day and 4-5 hours at night and is satisfied. He stays awake after he eats most of the time and plays happily showing no hunger cues then naps beautifully. Usually the problem is that the mother has a low milk supply when the baby is skinny. In our case my supply is fine I just have a baby that grazes. I am able to pump about 1-1.5 ounces immediately after he nurses both sides. The doctor said the baby isn't eating enough if I can pump that much but if he's not hungry for it then we have to put him in a situation where the choice is not his. Breast fed babies self regulate. There's no way to tell how much they are taking in. Since Wednesday my instruction from Dr. Moore is to pump after every feed (that means 8 times a day). After Oliver nurses both sides I am to give him whatever I pumped after the last feed. Since milk flows out of the bottle without the baby sucking Ollie has no choice but to drink it (babies have the desire to live :)). Force feeding him feels a little off to me but I also want to make sure he's thriving. The doctor isn't concerned because developmentally and cognitively the baby is meeting and exceeding all his milestones (even being 2.5 weeks early). He said Oliver is beautiful he just may be genetically set to be tall and skinny. Next weight check is Wednesday.
He is getting smily now and it just melts my heart. He is the best baby. Still waking up just once in the night to eat and then right back down. I think his sleeping is allowing me to not lose my mind with all the pumping. I won't lie. It's a lot of extra effort (and cleanup with bottles and pump parts) but totally worth it if I can get him to 6 months on breast milk  alone.
Our 8th anniversary is Tuesday!!

Scheduling, sleeping and satisfaction

Schedule bliss! It's like he was waiting for me to put him on a schedule. We started it 4/19 and he fell into the rythm like a dream. It was like immediate magic. I got the schedule structure from baby wise (yes, I know the controversy over it and no, I'm not implementing much more than a flexible schedule). Scheduling has allowed for me to start enjoying breast feeding! I hate to type this but I promised full disclosure. The 1st 3 1/2 weeks, breastfeeding was sucking (literally) the life out of me. Oliver is a "non-nutritive" sucker so he will stay attached for an hour just using me as a pacifier. Its sweet the first week. Then in all honestly (5 years of infertility aside) it was completely suffocating. Yes, I take the fact that he's an easy eater for granted. While we had our challenges the 1st few days, he is really really good at breastfeeding. I on the other hand was not! I didn't feel that bonding experience. I was doing it for survival and best choice for baby only. Our bonding in my world comes when he's awake (not hungry, just awake and happy) and we are playing,
Reading, talking or getting sleepy (those super calm moments when he's awake right before he dozes off are incredible). Bonding whilst dining?.. Not so much for us yet but I am actually looking forward to it more now that it's more predictable and I have my boobs back to myself for at least 2 hours at a time. He is now getting full feeds every 2 1/2 - 3 hours followed by alert awake time and then solid naps afterward. Before he was predominately cluster feeding. Cluster feeds resulted in a sleepy incomplete feed, 15-30 min naps then back at it again. His awake time was minimal and a bit cranky and most likely he wasn't getting much hind milk because he would fall asleep so quickly after latching on. Full feeds ensure that he's getting to the higher calorie much more nutricious hind milk he needs to chunk up and grow. It's wonderful. When I go back to work this schedule may actually allow for Chad to get real work done which is so important if the work from home arrangement is actually going to work.

So the schedule has allowed 7ish hours of sleep (interrupted by mommy in the middle of the night to nurse) 4 nights in a row with the last 2 in his room!! Energy is being restored and we are able to not only enjoy Oliver more but most importantly each other. Someone asked the other day as people do, "how many do you want?". While I've been fairly adamant that Ollie is it (85% sure), Chad said, "we were complete before he came." Wow what a statement and how true does that need to be for a healthy family dynamic?! Our relationship is priority one then comes the baby. I see so many moms make the mistake of revolving their entire world around the children. Husbands get left out easily especially with breastfeeding. I have to stay mindful of that and the schedule is really enhancing the time chad and I have together when Ollie is napping.
We were already complete. Oliver is an added bonus.

I haven't blogged enough but clearly we've been busy! I'll have more time to now. Ollie and I go out at least once a day. We've walked the lakeside village, lakes Morton & Hollingsworth, target, publix and our neighborhood. He's been out to lunch and visited Chad's office a few times. He even went to his 1st birthday party last Saturday! He is an excellent traveler. Having him on the schedule allows for me to not be stressed when we're out as well. I strongly believe that babies sense stress so a calm confident mommy should help baby stay calm and secure no matter where we are!
I know there is no perfect equation for a newborn but we are certainly figuring our what works best for the Kostellas. All of them!

Finally photos!

Finally I can upload photos! They speak for themselves... All from the hospital. 

Oliver is 9 days old... Finally a birth story.

3/20
2:20am water broke!!
In triage now so they can confirm that I didn't pee myself. Contractions are not consistent but feel very different. It's 4am now and I am still at 70% but 1cm dialated.
Feelings: surreal but confident. I know I may have to use an intervention b/c there is an increased risk of infection once it's been 24 hours since the water breaks. I have 22 hours left :)
Kristi is in the waiting room. She can't come back while I'm in triage but she'll be able to once I'm in l&d.
Pain meds around noon 30
Epidural at 2:45

3/29/14
That was written the night we went into the hospital.
Filling in some blanks:
I got the epi when I was 7cm dilated. It was the worst most indescribable pain. I had read that most woman can't do natural birth with pitocin contractions. I was wanting to crawl out of my skin. Chad was amazing through it. He rocked with me, pushed when I'd pull, pull when I pushed. He didn't say too much or too little. We were locked on each other from head to toe to soul. That kind of flow you don't see all the time. I was in labor for 17 hours and he and I were in the flow from the 1st to last millisecond.
I got "stuck" at 9 1/2 cm for about 2-3 hours. The epi started to wear off. I eventually could feel everything once again but only on my left side. Doc came in to see if I could push through and after assessing we started pushing. Kristi was let back and she stayed uber quiet and to the back while we pushed for about 2 hours. Dr. Hopper delivered Oliver and was the perfect person to do it. Shocking I realize as my love for Dr. Garas runs deep but Hopper and I also found a flow. He was encouraging but in a militant way. I knew when he was being genuine about a good push and when he was just trying to encourage me. Kristi took an amazing photo of him and I can't wait to take it to him at my follow up.
Holly was my l & d nurse for the entire day minus the last hour. She stayed late but couldn't stay til the end. Earlier when she'd check for dilation I'd asked if he had hair and as soon as she could tell she said "he has hair". This for some reason struck an emotional chord for me and I went into mega tears. Chad breathed with me. Chad pushed with me. He did perfect. He couldn't have been more perfect to partner up with for this.
The doc confirmed that baby indeed had hair and at this point they'd lowered a mirror for me to see. He pulled the hair gently to sort of measure and we have a really cool picture of that (no I will not post it). Once I could see that the pushing we'd been doing for so long was yielding results he came out fairly quickly. I say fairly b/c nothing went quickly that day!!
So Oliver did come out the old fashioned way at 8:23pm and they flopped him up on my chest. I won't forget that ever. He laid there a sec the. The crying came. It wasn't loud or obnoxious just a good cry. I remember his legs and his head and the vernix on him. He was warm and sticky and all sorts of wonderful. Ohhhh the tears. They took him to weigh (7.1) , measure (20) and do the apgar test. His lungs were junky so the baby nurse really rubbed him down vigorously to make him scream. Which he did. Not long after he came back to me and we tried to breast feed. He latched for a second but I started feeling really light headed. I had wondered what was going on as I knew the last stage of labor the dr delivers the placenta. He was taking a really long time and still deeply massaging the uterus. I asked what was going on and had some one give the baby to chad because i was really starting to feel dizzy. This was such a neat moment to witness. The baby locked eyes with his dad and did not move. They were instantly bonded. I have a great photo of that moment as well. So back to my placenta. Well only half delivered. The other was still connected and causing me to bleed like a stuck pig (hence the light headedness). The doctor said he may have to reach in and grab it. The thought of that made me freak a bit so I asked if I could just push. The doc said go for it and a  couple of pushes later it came right out. Thankfully he said that because I had really high hemoglobin I didn't need a blood transfusion. Hooray for healthy me!

Once all was happy and healthy and I got some juice in me we had the moms and Chads step-father come back to meet him. Side note: you can't eat once your admitted. I was on ice chips for 17 hours. So my cocktail of choice was Sierra mist mixed with apple juice. It was the most delicious thing ever. Any hoo we had them come back to the L & D suite b/c they didn't have a room ready yet In the mother baby unit. Annie was the 1st non parent to hold sweet Oliver and it was so wonderful to pass him to her. What a cool feeling. Look mom, here's my kid we've worked so hard for. She held him for a couple minutes and passed him to Chad's mom. I didn't think she'd give him up so easily but she did a good job of being selfless and focusing on Oliver being priority one not just in that moment but throughout the entire day. She would have had a different birth plan but she respected ours and later told me she understood exactly why we chose to do it the way we did. I've got some good photos of the grandmothers holding the baby for the first time.
After they left we did get a room in mother baby. They took Oliver for his bath around 12:30am and I slept a hair. When the nurse came back she said that he enjoyed his bath immensely until she got to his feet. He has the most sensitive feet and did not like that they were getting wet! Feeling started coming back and with that lots of pain. I won't describe it but it was awful and I'm thankful for pain meds. I'm off them now thankfully. They were making me dream crazy but they were vital to my sanity. I'm still very sore but better every day.
Lots happened at the hospital. There were some amazingly Beautiful moments. There were also some awful no good moments. Barely nothing I had planned happened. My water breaking and my system not progressing screwed up my natural plan. I feel no guilt I feel absolutely elated that the one thing I had planned for did happen... Go have a baby. I totally got the baby. He is an absolute dream come true.
This blog won't let me update pictures any more so I have to figure something out.
I'll write more later. Today Oliver is 9 days old and after a big halt in breastfeeding Sunday we are back at it and he's eating like the champ he is. Last night I was only up twice to feed. He takes his time and dines. Hopefully he gets faster but for now I'm happy staring at him. He's the best baby.

Update: BH contractions, sleeplessness, MRI & anticipation

 Contractions are much more regular and much more intense. I can't call them "painful" but I am very uncomfortable. Can't get comfortable when I sleep and am not able to sleep through them.
Today I had the MRI. Well I guess yesterday technically. It's 2:30 am 3/18. I had the MRI in Orlando at 1pm 3/17. My mom was gracious enough to go with me to FL hospital. I was totally out of my element and felt very awkward which resulted in a crappy attitude and meanness towards her. I had to apologize a lot for snapping. I've had 2 other MRI's in the past but this one really wore out my nerves. Oliver was really active for most of it and being in the tube made me feel claustrophobic for one of the very few times in my life. I just closed my eyes and focused on breathing. Well... Breathing and apologizing to the baby for all the loud noise he was having to endure. An MRI can't hurt a baby but I'm sure he wasn't loving all the wild noises. I had about 4-5 solid contractions with period like cramping during the MRI. It made me so nervous that I was going into labor there. Don't get me wrong FL hospital is beautiful and puts LRMC to shame visually but as soon as we were done I was ready to jump out of my skin! I needed my husband and Lakeland and I needed them right now! It was not a fun feeling. I was in one of those mental places where literally everything my poor mom said pissed me off and made me even more unnerved. Hence all the apologizing. Mom drove us home which I know she was apprehensive to do but she did a great job on I-4 in pouring down rain with me and my crap attitude.
I regretted signing up for the MRI. I knew when the doctor said it was an option that I didn't need it but had that feeling that I may always wonder if I didn't do it and let that fear make the decision. My instinct said to not sweat it further. I didn't listen. It wasn't the wrong decision I realize that of course. It just most likely was completely un-necessary stress that I added to our plate. We didn't get results today. I didn't expect to and I imagine I won't hear anything until next week by Dr. Garas or Dr. Al-malt. If I'm still pregnant (which I highly doubt given that I've had 3 contractions since I started writing this) I'll see Garas Monday and the I have my follow up with Al-Malt Wednesday afternoon. I don't think I'll get any feedback about the MRI this week b/c Garas is out of the office.
I see Dr. Mammal tomorrow and do an ultrasound and nst then Dr. Wilson Thursday for an nst. I don't think I'm making it to Thursday. I have been anxiously awaiting tomorrow's appointment. I have a feeling that it will show that I am indeed in early labor and this show is getting ready to start. The appointment is at 10. I may get there early as Mammal tends to run on time (as opposed to dreamboat Garas).
Oliver is getting big. I have been mainly sleeping and resting on my left side. The left puts less strain on mom's ticker and evidently allows more blood flow to the uterus. Laying on the right does the opposite and puts a lot of pressure on the liver. Oliver has moved to the left side of the uterus (remember the first 33 weeks he didn't dare venture away from his beloved right side) which is exactly where a baby should be ideally for the easiest labor. I started doing some exercises to get him to move to the left and sure enough they worked and he's stayed put for the most part. I don't think he's able to get back to the right now that he's so big. His butt is pushing my left ribs super hard which is making laying on my left side super uncomfortable. I've been having to switch from my left to my back (inclined on a million pillows to prevent acid) but my back has started to play a role in the contractions. As I type this he is just dancing as hard as he can in his cramped quarters. Feet tap dancing on my right ribs hands both swirling about. I think that's about all he can move easily at this point. He holds still now for the most part when I'm having a contraction. When they weren't as intense he would fight back. Now I can picture him looking around in there wondering why the hell the walls are caving in and praying it'll be over soon!
I have loved 98% of pregnancy. I will miss most of it. I am so glad that this uncomfortable part is at the end because I do not want to get pregnant again immediately. Chad is thankful for that as well! 4 weeks ago I could have been pregnant forever and he was a bit nervous that I'd be chomping at the bit for #2. No chomping here. Though pregnancy is one of the very most incredible experiences I've ever had and though I will most definitely want to do it again, my desire to be pregnant is sated for a while. The end of pregnancy is full of hormones, fears, emotions, impatience and an overwhelming happiness. I can't take all the conflicting feelings and am ready to get this underway. Chad said it perfectly the day we had the growth scan and were told about Ollie's huge noggin. He said he just wanted all of us to be home. We were sitting at home on the couch together but since Oliver is still inside me I can totally see how he's not home yet from Chad's perspective. I couldn't agree with him more. We are ready to "go get" our baby. It's safe here. It's not clinical or mysterious. It's home and we are ready for our Oliver to be a part of our safe place.

A long entry about a big head

3/3/14 - before the appointment while in the waiting room:

That feeling you get the moment you're told that something could be wrong with you baby.
He's not even born yet! Well due to my little uterus Dr. Garas ordered a growth scan for us last week to measure the amniotic fluid, uterus capacity and Oliver of course.
My uterus? Plenty of room. You never know how big it'll get until you put a baby in there. No uterus concerns whatsoever. Isn't it ironic?
So what's the problem?! I know I know get to it Jess. Let me say this first and I will restated it throughout this post... It may be nothing at all.
During the scan they do measurements of the femur, abdomen and skull. There are a few reasons for this. #1 it gives them an estimate of the baby's weight (Ollie is around 5.12 pounds which is perfect). It also allows the doctor to see where they fall on a growth chart. Oliver's femur and abdomen measurements fall within the 50th percentile. His head is in the 98th. It is unusual for the numbers to be so different. Ready for it? It may be nothing at all. Dr. Garas said that if all of Oliver was in the 98th then he'd just tell us that we're having a big baby and send us on our way but there are 2 variables that have caused him enough concern to have me see a specialist and start coming in bi-weekly for nst's and biophysicals. This Wednesday is the specialist appt in Orlando to ensure that all is A-okay. Mondays I'll go in for a biophysical + a non stress test (I'm actually in the waiting room now). Thursdays are just non stress tests which is when they'll hook my belly up to monitors and track contractions, and fetal heart rate for about 30-60 minutes. During the nst I'll also have a button to press when I feel him move.
So we've discussed variable 1. Ollie has a big head and an average body (it's like an orange on a toothpick).
Variable 2 is what got Chad and I nervous. Variable 2 had us go back for a 2nd scan after the 1st to re-check. That was alarming for sure. We brought our moms to the scan last week and luckily they were so chatty that they didn't notice what Chad and I noticed while the tech was doing her measurements. She took A LOT of time measuring his skull and one area in particular. Chad and I both felt seriousness in the room and of course the tech can't say anything so we had to wait. We hugged the moms and they left. Shortly after the same tech called us back to get another scan of the same area. I'd hate that job. Clearly she can't tell us why and obviously we know something's up. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long for Dr. Garas and that is nothing short of a miracle! Remember, it may be nothing at all.
Dr. Garas came in and got straight to the point. God bless him. He tells us about Oliver's head being big and then advised us about a concern over a tiny pocket of fluid in his skull. He had the 2nd scan to see if there was any blood flow to the area (this would indicate a tumor or a cyst). He ruled out anything scary like an AVM malformation, hydrocephalus, cyst and tumor which was a relief. The issue was that he didn't know. He's concerned b/c of head size plus the extra fluid. He says it's probably nothing but just to be sure he set us up with a specialist (we'll see them on Wednesday 3/5).

3/3/14 - after the appointment:

So the majority of all that was written prior to today's appointment. I considered deleting it b/c of how today went but I figure it's all part of the story so just let it ride.
We did the biophysical. During this time the baby has 30 minutes to meet certain expectations for muscle tone, reflex (opening and closing hands) and "practice breathing" (babies practice by inhaling amniotic fluid). A perfect score is 8/8. Oliver passed with a perfect 8/8! The tech explained the whole deal to me about the ventricles in the brain and what she suspects the concern is coming from. She said that first off, there is nothing there that shouldn't be. One ventricle is a little bigger than the other. She said his brain size is normal and his head size is large but still normal and that she wouldn't be concerned at all. Clearly she's my favorite tech. She used to work for the specialist we're seeing Wednesday.
After the ultrasound I had the non stress test (nst). They strap my belly up with 2 monitors and give me a button to push when I feel Ollie move then leave me alone for about 20-30 minutes. I videoed part of it b/c it was so interesting. It tracks his heartbeat while at rest, in motion and during contractions (which I had at least 4 during the test). He passed the nst also with flying colors.
Dr. Garas came in after all was said and done and said that both he and the tech agree that there is in fact nothing at all wrong. He has a slightly large ventricle and a big head. He said that though after today's test he doesn't think the specialist is necessary he knows that our pediatrician will want the info so we are still going on Wednesday.
Though both Chad and I felt like all just had to be well and have been really calm since the not so perfect visit last Thursday today was a big relief. Now I can get back to baby prepping without the extra tinge of dread hanging over me. It was hard to wash and fold all these teeny clothes from the baby shower and not think every once in a while "what if I never get to use this". Of course I'll be extra glad when Wednesdays visit is done with and we can get back to just work and Watson clinic visits 'til he arrives.
Speaking of arriving. I have had so many BH contractions today. Really intense ones! I had to stop what I was doing to lay down not too long ago. Oliver day is coming soon. Hopefully I can go another week and a half at least. I'd like to get to 37 weeks if at all possible. It's still early enough to have to leave him in the hospital after I'm discharged and I can't even fathom having to do that. Plus we haven't put the car seat base in so he's gotta hang on a little while longer.
That was probably a lot to read. I'll most likely post this up on the blog after Wednesdays appointment. I don't want to get too far ahead of the game here but I definitely wanted to get it typed out.

3/5/14 - before the specialist appt:

Waiting at Dr. Al-Malt's (OBGYN/FACOG) office. This is a fetal diagnostic center in Orlando. They are one exit from the fertility clinic (on Princeton). The waiting room is full some as pregnant as me some not even showing. Can't imagine knowing there's a problem really early on and having that sense of ick for so long before the baby comes. This is one of those moments where we know we are fortunate. This is a "just to be sure" appointment and most likely all is just fine. Trust me we'll be stoked when it's over and we have confirmation from the doctor but we feel like it's all fine. Especially after the last appointment.
It's a nice office. Hopefully we aren't hear for hours. Will update on the drive home.

3/5/14 - the drive home (2 hours later):

All is normal. Just a big noggin! When the doc came in the 1st thing he asked was what size hat Chad wears!!
Kids got some nice lips (like daddy's).  They gave us a few 4d pics. His arm would not move out of the way but it was awesome to get 4d for free. Dr. Al-Malt is also from Egypt like Dr. Garas! He was great. Said the head is big and genetics are to blame. The brain is normal. The ventricle is big but still normal. We will have an MRI done next week just to play it super safe and follow up with him in 3 weeks to see if he thinks a vaginal birth is a possibility. While my hope and prayer is to deliver naturally I'll do whatever is necessary to ensure that Oliver gets here the absolute safest way possible.