i don't usually write about how i feel the on day 2. right so i started yesterday and it came of course as no surprise. i just know when its about to hit. i'd know even if i wasn't counting. i shy away from writing about it for all to see on the day of because i don't want this to be a complaining session. the last thing anyone needs is another reason to not be thankful... right thankful.. yes i realize tis the season to be all festive and happy. when you deal with delayed fertility the holidays blow.
yesterday (day 1) was ok. i felt it was coming when i snapped at chad over something trivial and had been feeling crampy. side note: i don't like taking pregnancy tests. i have to be like 2 weeks late to take one (2 weeks late used to be a regular occurance so you understand). there's just something about the not knowing and hoping that i cling to when i'm waiting on my period. i'd rather just dream for 1 more day. oh nostalgia! anyhoo since i've been so regular the last 5-6 months i haven't had to wait too long to find out that i'm still empty. i'm still kinda driving on the fumes of regularity that i'm not devastated or screaming at God. i did get a little pitiful today when we went to ikea and it was invested with pregnant gals. they had taken over the building i'm not kidding. that kinda pissed me off but its nothing new. i was thinking last night, is this a test of my faith. i've felt that feeling of course before but i've not written about it because i don't want anyone to lose hope because of what i'm writing. i've had moments in the past where i'd rant and rave and cry out to God mad as a hornet. i know that the test comes from my own desire within to give up and do the wrong thing (james 1). i know i have come to the brink many times in dealing with my faith and infertility that i've wanted to curse God and throw my desire for children away just to be arrogant. just to look up at the stars and say "i don't want this, and if i can't have a baby, then you can't have me." it feels terrible to type that. infertility can either be my cure or my kryptonite (that'll be the title of this blog post). i have to choose my faith before anything else. that kid will know about my faith. i will encourage him/her to have a relationship with God and they will look to chad and i to help them build it. this rough patch in my life will be a measure of my faiths strength. they don't call long-suffering long-suffering for nothin'.
day one used to be a tear fest. crying and sulking, begging God to just freaking give us a baby! i don't know if time has made it easier or if i have matured in this patience lesson but now its just par for the course. its just a dull, rhythmic, neutral blah. is blah a noun? i don't know if my reaction being so beige is good or bad. its probably somewhere in the middle ( i am registered independent so that'd fit). i've been asked by a few people lately if i'm gonna try the meds again or go to a new doc. i don't know. my answer today is no. i know that i am stubborn and my answered changed before to "yes" in april of 2010 and off to the doc's we went. the doors couldn't have been more open. and yet here i sit 20 months later with no baby. do i want to know why? yes, but i'm pretty confident the answer is not on this side of heaven. and i don't need to know why (i used to need to know why... control much?). it used to be a roller coaster, what with the monthly excitement of the 2 week wait and then the disappointment that ensues after the 2ww. now its just my roller coaster has turned into a train that is on a flat surface traveling in a circle. no ups no downs nothing epic.
the thing that really sucks about not being pregnant this time around is that there will be no sonograms for christmas. i have dreamed about that for so long and man i wish we could have that experience! but hey christmas is about 30 days away so maybe i'll take a pregnancy test on christmas morning.... anyone up for a game of "good idea, bad idea". yikes. i feel like i should pray...
God i'm flailing a bit here. asking questions i know won't get me anywhere. i'm frustrated by the distractions of my dad and brother. i am pissed at them both for letting me and so many others down. i need you to help me forgive and i pray you will be able to infiltrate their lives somehow. help me to have the right words that come from love and keep me from stoking the fires that they are afflicted with. i'm sorry for how angry i've been over the last 6 months when dealing with my family. i have questioned not only my ability to forgive but also to unconditionally love. i know both those things come from you and i really need a double dose of each. thank you for the friends chad and i have. some of them are closer than members of our families and we are so thankful for such unique relationships. God you know how much i want to be a mom. You know how Chad hurts over our fertility issues and how he feels helpless when it comes to my sadness about it. Thank you for not allowing infertility to separate us. i know it ruins marriages and losing ours would truly be devastating in comparison to infertility. help me to remember that Chad is my first gift. we are co-captains weathering both smooth and choppy waters as one. he will be the most amazing dad and i can't wait to see it. i dream about it and i'm so excited that i get to parent with him. it'll be like christmas every day. thank you for bringing other new friends into my life that are going through fertility woes. i pray that i can be of any help. its unique for each of us in how we go about it and deal but at the root the pain is the same. i'm honored that i can be used in this way and will try my best to always be real about it. you know this sucks and you can't make it pretty. its the result of what you do with the ugly that really matters and that's my goal. give us strength. bind the selfish reactions far from us. remind us to handle each day as it comes because tomorrow has its own importance.
i love you, thank you for letting me be candid. thank you for allowing us to have the audacity to ask for more, and for having the grace to give abundantly more than what we ask for.
last God please comfort my infertile friends. it hurts, and most of them are going through the stabbing shearing pain of unmet desire. it won't completely go away without a pregnancy so for those that won't experience the blessing soon i pray you'll give them the peace that i have. a little hope goes so far. remind them that You haven't forgotten. we are women and you gotta remember that we really like to know that we've been heard. :)
amen.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
who will she be once it happens?
i've been thinking A LOT lately about how things will be once baby K is here. i know the time is coming. i know that may sound nuts after how long we've waited but these fertility chapters are starting to transition. its been gradual but i see looking back so many rebuilds along the way. this lady has gone through much needed de and re construction.
i was talking with a newer friend about my worry that once i get pregnant and enter the world i have only dreamed about that i won't remember how i got there. i've seen so many girls who've gone through this throw away the experience with little thought once they get what they want. is that bad? no, they have a new experience to go through and new challenges and thrills that accompany parenthood. its just i don't want to take this journey for granted once i get pregnant. i don't want to forget how important this has been. infertility has changed my life. its broken me down to my absolute core and forced me to take hold of whats important. wanting to be a parent and not being able to do that is crushing and a takes a girl through so much self doubt, fear, anger, depression, lethargy, and uselessness. i know we are in 2011 but still our basic instincts tell us that one of our jobs is to bear children. when you get the need to do that and its not working you don't feel like much of a woman.
The "infertility pill" is a little tougher to swallow during the holidays. christmases keep rolling by and yet again we don't have that 1st sonogram picture tucked away in an envelope titled "to annie, love jess and chad" (annie is what my neice and nephew call my mom). i can't wait to tell my mom one day that we are pregnant. that day will be amazing. she hurts for me. she wants to empathize and be helpful so much that i feel like i have to protect her from my infertility. she's been put through so much bullshit in the last few years that i hate that she takes on my burden even if its only a little bit. but see, when i do get pregnant it'll be so encouraging for her. she will be able to yet again witness another miracle. God hasn't forgotten us, especially when we feel like there is no hope. i think i'm learning to not wait until i have lost all hope to turn to God. My faith that there is something greater at hand should always be my first resort. i'm getting there. boy howdy am i not even close but i'm working on it. the good thing about being human is that we are never quite finished. thank God for that!
as you know i walk the lake a bunch and the other day i was just gonna take it easy and skip walking. it was last saturday i think. i was just gonna watch my shows and be lazy (because i have no children this is still an option for me so eat your heart out mommies). well chad decided that saturday he was gonna find a way to get that damned flat screen up on the wall. since we painted and moved stuff around its just been in the middle of the tv room with wires galor (which drive us nuts). well of course me watching my shows was not gonna happen (because we agreed long ago having more than one tv would sabotage any chance of us hanging out in the same room) so i said screw it i'm gonna go walk. i felt like i needed to pay extra attention like i was going to learn or see something new when i was walking. bear in mind i've walked around lake hollingsworth a billion times... so to set the scene about a month ago a two fat stark white ducks (i call them a "duckle" because they are obviously romantically involved) moved into the lake on the east side where most of the mallards are. i noticed them because obviously they stick out like sore thumbs and don't fit in with the beautiful mallards that are half the size and the mallards are plenty in number (super fertile). the duckle are always together and i mean every day i walk there they are. they'd be hand in hand if they didn't have wings and they are always exclusively to themselves. now anyone who's looking for a sign of course sees this duckle and says, "thats me and chad. unique and special, set aside for a big purpose" (don't judge). anyhooo so last saturday i'm walking and looking for what compelled me to walk the lake and i came around the bend and was approaching the usual hang out spot and saw that my little friends were swimming with the mallards as one big happy family. here's my take home lesson. you ready for it?... my current worry is that ill forget this important time in my life when i get pregnant and have a baby. seeing all the ducks together swimming and just enjoying the lake gave me peace that though we will soon "join the crowd" we are all still unique because all the ducks have different purposes that serve the whole. many of our journeys won't take a lifetime to be completed, they will just be bridges that connect each dot to make up a beautiful picture. if we saw the picture before we started working on it the meaning is lost.
i was talking with a newer friend about my worry that once i get pregnant and enter the world i have only dreamed about that i won't remember how i got there. i've seen so many girls who've gone through this throw away the experience with little thought once they get what they want. is that bad? no, they have a new experience to go through and new challenges and thrills that accompany parenthood. its just i don't want to take this journey for granted once i get pregnant. i don't want to forget how important this has been. infertility has changed my life. its broken me down to my absolute core and forced me to take hold of whats important. wanting to be a parent and not being able to do that is crushing and a takes a girl through so much self doubt, fear, anger, depression, lethargy, and uselessness. i know we are in 2011 but still our basic instincts tell us that one of our jobs is to bear children. when you get the need to do that and its not working you don't feel like much of a woman.
The "infertility pill" is a little tougher to swallow during the holidays. christmases keep rolling by and yet again we don't have that 1st sonogram picture tucked away in an envelope titled "to annie, love jess and chad" (annie is what my neice and nephew call my mom). i can't wait to tell my mom one day that we are pregnant. that day will be amazing. she hurts for me. she wants to empathize and be helpful so much that i feel like i have to protect her from my infertility. she's been put through so much bullshit in the last few years that i hate that she takes on my burden even if its only a little bit. but see, when i do get pregnant it'll be so encouraging for her. she will be able to yet again witness another miracle. God hasn't forgotten us, especially when we feel like there is no hope. i think i'm learning to not wait until i have lost all hope to turn to God. My faith that there is something greater at hand should always be my first resort. i'm getting there. boy howdy am i not even close but i'm working on it. the good thing about being human is that we are never quite finished. thank God for that!
as you know i walk the lake a bunch and the other day i was just gonna take it easy and skip walking. it was last saturday i think. i was just gonna watch my shows and be lazy (because i have no children this is still an option for me so eat your heart out mommies). well chad decided that saturday he was gonna find a way to get that damned flat screen up on the wall. since we painted and moved stuff around its just been in the middle of the tv room with wires galor (which drive us nuts). well of course me watching my shows was not gonna happen (because we agreed long ago having more than one tv would sabotage any chance of us hanging out in the same room) so i said screw it i'm gonna go walk. i felt like i needed to pay extra attention like i was going to learn or see something new when i was walking. bear in mind i've walked around lake hollingsworth a billion times... so to set the scene about a month ago a two fat stark white ducks (i call them a "duckle" because they are obviously romantically involved) moved into the lake on the east side where most of the mallards are. i noticed them because obviously they stick out like sore thumbs and don't fit in with the beautiful mallards that are half the size and the mallards are plenty in number (super fertile). the duckle are always together and i mean every day i walk there they are. they'd be hand in hand if they didn't have wings and they are always exclusively to themselves. now anyone who's looking for a sign of course sees this duckle and says, "thats me and chad. unique and special, set aside for a big purpose" (don't judge). anyhooo so last saturday i'm walking and looking for what compelled me to walk the lake and i came around the bend and was approaching the usual hang out spot and saw that my little friends were swimming with the mallards as one big happy family. here's my take home lesson. you ready for it?... my current worry is that ill forget this important time in my life when i get pregnant and have a baby. seeing all the ducks together swimming and just enjoying the lake gave me peace that though we will soon "join the crowd" we are all still unique because all the ducks have different purposes that serve the whole. many of our journeys won't take a lifetime to be completed, they will just be bridges that connect each dot to make up a beautiful picture. if we saw the picture before we started working on it the meaning is lost.
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