I'm about 2 weeks in to my latest cycle. I had the thought to give up fertility for lent. I stuck with the usual Facebook hiatus. I'm still not ready for the cycle I'm in. My normal routines (control) have been discombobulated. My last period came early. I was SHOCKED. Not ready. Not prepped. I came home from work defeated. The epitome of last place. For months Ive not been connected to the despair of infertility. I've been rideing on the fumes of regularity and though I've been disappointed, I've easily bounced back; ready to get on with the new month. That monday felt like the end of the world. coincidentally my shoulder pain came the same day. to all you "fixers" out there, no its not stress related, and yes i've seen many doctors and been given many diagnosis' which all lead to Vicodin. usually my pain comes for a few days and goes away. this time it came swooping in and sadly is still bothering me as i type today... no it has nothing to do with sitting at a desk :). so i've checked out.
I have for over 2 weeks struggled finding my balance. I know how blessed I am. I know my issues are trite in comparison to real problems. knowing how lucky you are when you feel depressed makes you feel guilty driving that blueness into more of a navy hue. I just feel unplugged. Here's the thing. I don't really feel like plugging in. Ive been so solid for like the past year. i quit the meds in about may of 2011 and have been sailing smooth ever since. i've been so well-balanced in body soul and spirit. now all of a sudden i'm de-railed. i know long term pain can wear anyone down and i figure once my shoulder pain subsides it'll be easier to focus on fixing my crappy attitude.
i guess i just wanted to write. i've been wary to put this out there but its part of it. we don't understand light unless there is contrasting dark. as a christian i want to quickly find the "all things work together for good" part but sometimes you get sick of the p.c. answer and just need a moment to bitch.
i want off this ride. i don't want to want a kid this badly. i don't want to dream about what my house will feel like once there is a 3rd kostella. i want to quit thinking about how we'll hear cries from the 3rd bedroom one day and chady and i'll both say "not it." i want to erase my dreams of what our baby's first steps will look like. i've gone through so many senarios about what will happen in this house and still the same thing keeps on happening. there are only my cries, me saying to chad "not pregnant", and my pacing through the house trying to convince God to quit the waiting game.
here's the thing. i'm a firm believer of the supernatural. i believe things happen that have no scientific explanation. i believe that God has all the power to make miracles happen. thats why i've got beef with God. its that feeling that God is holding out on me. its not that i lack faith. i've got tons of it. i've seen miracles with my own eyes. i'm sick of praying about it. there's no other way to pray and i'm tired of the repetition. i was telling chad that lately it feels like i'm not being heard. he said he feels the same way. its not even with the fertility prayers. most of you know my prayer life has always been the easiest part of my relationship with God. i pray all the time but lately i feel like my letters are getting stamped "return to sender".
so there you have it. i'm sure it didn't make much sense (blame it on the Vicodin). i'll be okay. i always dig out but right now i just don't feel like giving a shit about it anymore. its like the song "99 bottles of beer on the wall". i'm becoming disinterested in the fertility game because its not building character anymore its just stuck on the same verse and i'm done singing it.
oh yeah speaking of singing.... i wrote a new song last saturday. out of the vein of infertility and my recent disconnect with my Creator.
(vs1)
shooting star wishes on south bound planes.
dreaming too big and all that remains..
is irony
trajedy
will it be
the best of me?
(v2)
the winds came on sunday. call them the winds of change.
shaking me to the core, but everything remains the same.
is it irony
trajedy
it may be
the best of me.
(chorus)
Shoot star shoot me down down down
Blow wind blow my mind.
i won't let go
don't tell me no
take me slow and i will show..
the best of me.
(vs3)
time for dead end signs. save me from your nursery rhymes.
calling out every bluff. game ends, i think i'm tough.
is it irony
or trajedy,
it can't take.
the best of me.
its on my youtube with chad playing and singing along. we've never in our 8-9 years written a song together and yes i wrote the words but as i was playing it at the kitchen table he emerges from his office (guitar in hand), sits down next to me and just starts playing like we'd written a thousand songs together. the video i posted is the 2nd time we played it through. those are the musical moments i find miraculous.
hooray i ended on a good note!
i guess i just wanted to write. i've been wary to put this out there but its part of it. we don't understand light unless there is contrasting dark. as a christian i want to quickly find the "all things work together for good" part but sometimes you get sick of the p.c. answer and just need a moment to bitch.
i want off this ride. i don't want to want a kid this badly. i don't want to dream about what my house will feel like once there is a 3rd kostella. i want to quit thinking about how we'll hear cries from the 3rd bedroom one day and chady and i'll both say "not it." i want to erase my dreams of what our baby's first steps will look like. i've gone through so many senarios about what will happen in this house and still the same thing keeps on happening. there are only my cries, me saying to chad "not pregnant", and my pacing through the house trying to convince God to quit the waiting game.
here's the thing. i'm a firm believer of the supernatural. i believe things happen that have no scientific explanation. i believe that God has all the power to make miracles happen. thats why i've got beef with God. its that feeling that God is holding out on me. its not that i lack faith. i've got tons of it. i've seen miracles with my own eyes. i'm sick of praying about it. there's no other way to pray and i'm tired of the repetition. i was telling chad that lately it feels like i'm not being heard. he said he feels the same way. its not even with the fertility prayers. most of you know my prayer life has always been the easiest part of my relationship with God. i pray all the time but lately i feel like my letters are getting stamped "return to sender".
so there you have it. i'm sure it didn't make much sense (blame it on the Vicodin). i'll be okay. i always dig out but right now i just don't feel like giving a shit about it anymore. its like the song "99 bottles of beer on the wall". i'm becoming disinterested in the fertility game because its not building character anymore its just stuck on the same verse and i'm done singing it.
oh yeah speaking of singing.... i wrote a new song last saturday. out of the vein of infertility and my recent disconnect with my Creator.
(vs1)
shooting star wishes on south bound planes.
dreaming too big and all that remains..
is irony
trajedy
will it be
the best of me?
(v2)
the winds came on sunday. call them the winds of change.
shaking me to the core, but everything remains the same.
is it irony
trajedy
it may be
the best of me.
(chorus)
Shoot star shoot me down down down
Blow wind blow my mind.
i won't let go
don't tell me no
take me slow and i will show..
the best of me.
(vs3)
time for dead end signs. save me from your nursery rhymes.
calling out every bluff. game ends, i think i'm tough.
is it irony
or trajedy,
it can't take.
the best of me.
its on my youtube with chad playing and singing along. we've never in our 8-9 years written a song together and yes i wrote the words but as i was playing it at the kitchen table he emerges from his office (guitar in hand), sits down next to me and just starts playing like we'd written a thousand songs together. the video i posted is the 2nd time we played it through. those are the musical moments i find miraculous.
hooray i ended on a good note!
