Music to our ears....

Big day! Thankfully there was no long moment of poking around so i will not beat around the bush. Ultrasound wand went in and  the baby was right there! My eyes went straight to the heart. It was flickering away like crazy. It was just what my mind has been envisioning this last week. Heartbeat was 165/minute. Nice and strong looking perfect. Due to the clotting Doc hasn't cleared us for sex or exercise but he said we should have nothing to worry about he just wants me to take it easy until the 1st trimester is over. 

It was very relieving to see one. We both let out a big exhale. Doc can't confirm if the 2nd sac was a twin or a clot but there is definitely only one baby. That means so much to the viability of this pregnancy.

More good news. The crinone is no longer a part of my life! I asked about it because it is so gross and the build up is ridiculous. He said he prefers the injections anyways and if I'm up for 2 shots a day then we can change the progesterone protocol immediately. Woo hoo! Starting tomorrow I'll be doing 75mg in the morning then 75mg at night. So much cleaner. 

Today was a very big day. I think we are finally allowing ourselves to be excited and say it out loud. We are 6! Chad, Jess, Pattie, Stella, Jerome and baby K!

Getting my learn on.... 6 weeks today!

"Identical twins develop when a fertilized egg splits. Depending on when the split occurs will determine if the twins share a placenta, with either one or two chorions and amnions, or if they each develop their own placentas. In general, the later the spit occurs, the more likely that the twins will share one placenta."

Why did I copy and past that from a medical journal? Glad you asked. I have been furiously scouring the Internet (trying my damnedest to stay away from the forums) to find info on identical twin embryology and vanishing twin syndrome. The research I've done makes me feel much better about what I'm experiencing now. Women can have full on clotting and cramping when losing one and the other is perfectly fine. Hard to believe but it's true. The scary part I ran across was that with some identical twins if one triggers the mothers body to miscarry they both go. The reason is the shared sac and placenta. I never knew this but depending on when the embryo splits determines if the babies will be in one sac or two. I'm relieved because my two are clearly separate w/their own placentas. That way if I do lose the one that "doesn't look good" their brother or sister doesn't necessarily get expelled along with it. I realize this is a negative and dark post but in all honesty it is hope for me. This is a ray of sunshine and I need it. 

Today marks 6 weeks. Lots of growing and developing is happening. Nose, mouth, ears, arm and leg buds are all starting to protrude. The heart is beating about twice as fast as mine. Trying to focus on what is most likely happening. I am still experiencing the same symptoms. Heartburn is worse now that its accompanied by acid reflux but I'm thankful for anything that makes me feel pregnant. 

Nurse Marty called to check on me this morning. It was mostly her reassuring me that this is super common and again was to be expected base on the ultrasound. Spotting has lessened this morning so clearly I'm hoping that it goes away completely before I go back to work Sunday. Regardless I figure I'll be wearing the phonebook pad until my next ultrasound!

Seeing red.

More bleeding after 72 hours of nothing. This time it was worse. I woke up with really light pink watery spotting which honestly didn't concern me at all. Doc said to expect it so I brushed it off, taped in a pad  the size of a dictionary and off I went to work. I've had really bad gas the last few days b/c of constipation so my stomach all morning was very queasy. It's hard sometimes to tell the difference b/w cramps and gas especially when you are reading into EVERY twinge your body makes. Went to the bathroom around 2:00 to do the progesterone gel and the blood came. Heavier, brighter red and dripping (sorry for TMI but this is my blog so get over it). This was worse by far. 

I called the clinic to report it due to the color I was very alarmed (bright red = bad). Nurse called back and said based upon Sundays ultrasound this was to be expected and everything should be okay. She said to call if I start passing clots and/or have cramping that's worse than a period. 

This is not fun at all. I knew to expect more but I thought it would have happened right after the first incident. Since it has been days I was assuming and praying that the uterine bleeding would just re-absorb into my system. Guess not. 

If you read this please pray that this isn't the end. I had a moment driving home from work where I felt that sense that it was over. I'm feeling more positive now but having a hard time connecting to anything emotional about all of this. With me when it rains it pours so when tears do happen I'll be a mess.

Trying to find a positive in this. I know it's not over. Chad said concerning the 2nd sac that he for one of the only times in his life felt like it's divine intervention that it probably won't make it. We've told very few people about the embryo splitting and some don't understand that it isn't awesome or cute or neato. Me carrying twins is life threatening to all 3 of us. If my uterus was the standard size I'm sure I'd feel differently but right now I'm just focused solely on one. 

I'm at home now resting. My queasiness feels better since I went to the bathroom (more TMI?) so hopefully the cramps won't come. 

This totally sucks. 

Odd update.

There are two sacks. One looks great. Saw the yolk sac and it looked perfect. The other and I quote, " does not look good." Dr. Loy could see blood in the 2nd sac and an additional area of blood in the uterus. He said to expect more spotting. Shouldn't be a lot but it will still make me crazy. 

Yes, we only transferred one embryo. There was a 2% chance of it splitting (identical twins). He said there is a chance that it split and there is a chance that that sac is just a uterine clot.  Judging by the size being the same as the 1st sac though he thought it was a 2nd gestational sac. 

The bleeding he also is attributing to a cervical erosion. The progesterone gel can do that causing some bleeding. I am on A LOT of progesterone. 

How do I feel... I'm not happy or sad. I'm sorta speechless on how I feel. We aren't supposed to have twins. I feel a little relieved that one of them doesn't look good because I don't trust that my uterus can carry both long enough. That relief also makes me feel really guilty. I'm sort of set at ease. That's all I got. Shouldn't have cramping or bright red blood but should expect more of what happened this morning. I can't go to work with my mind like this. Next appt is 8/20. Be still my heart. 

Spotting and scared

Woke up at 6am. Spotted in my pantyliner as soon as I did the progesterone gel. Scared the shit out of me. Called the emergency line for the clinic. Dr Loy called back in about 15 minutes. Dr Loy has never called before. He wanted every detail. He's going to see us at 9 for an ultrasound. This will go one of two ways. Hoping its nothing. Hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Five years of infertility does not earn me a free pass now that I'm pregnant. I have known that all along but it sure would be nice to have a complication free pregnancy. 

No cramping which is a good sign. I did have some slight cramping yesterday that I blew off as no big deal. It looked like it could be old blood. When it's bright red its a very bad sign so this could be no biggie. 

Praying for a heartbeat.