For five years I’ve had the same resolution.
Year 1: Stop preventing – Which to your husband’s means exactly that. He’s confident in his swimmers to knock you up the day after you quit your birth control. To you it means I want to get pregnant right away but I don’t want to freak him out. If you’re like me you also don’t think you’ll be one of those fertile myrtles so this whole “stop preventing” b.s. better not take too long. After 6 months… “Oh God I’m barren.”
Year 2: Trying – Ovulation kits. Every kind they make. Started with the ones where you are supposed to judge which line is darker. This drove me mad b/c I really couldn’t ever be sure. I stepped up quickly to the digital (clear blue) which gives you a smiley face when it detects LH. I remember the feeling of hope I got the 1sttime I got a smiley face. I felt less broken. I took a freaking picture of my 1st positive ovulation pee stick. I bought one of those spit microscopes that gives some hokey explanation of how you can judge ovulation by the way your spit dries. That was a waste. Finally I invested in the clear blue monitor. They are pricey but they detect more hormones in your pee than the LH so you can “prepare” better for when you get the ovulation indicator.
Year 3: See a doctor – After 2 years I’m convinced that I’m broken and my past mistakes and bad choices are coming back to haunt me in the form of infertility. It’s funny (though not funny at all), I had the premonition as a small child that I was going to have trouble having babies. Sho nuff. I was so much smarter when I was little. Anyhoo after visiting just a regular OBGYN and having blood work, HSG and ultrasounds + the semen analysis we were told that all was just fine. I’ve blogged about being told “all is well” multiple times so we won’t re-visit that in depth but “all is well” results in hopelessness when you are childless after 2 years and medically fertile. We did 7 rounds of clomid that year. Clomid turned me into a monster. I hate you clomid.
Year 4: If it happens it happens – Giving up most hope is bound to happen after 3 years of nothing. I was becoming infertility. I hated that I wasn’t able to fully appreciate and enjoy all the wonderful things I had going for me. This constant distraction was impossible for me to completely put on a back burner. Hence when people say, “Just stop trying and it will happen!” they deserve a punch in the nose. Tell me how to stop science because I was so ready to not want to have a baby. I wanted to enjoy my incredible life but didn’t feel fully invested in anything. I still did the ovulation tests. That had become part of my morning routine but I think at this point both Chad and I knew it was pointless.
Year 5: We’re going all in - It wasn’t decided at new years to go see a real RE but year 5 is when we were ready to do everything in our power to give a biological child a chance to happen. Chad had a renewed hope that this new doctor could help us. Though I LOVE Dr. Loy, I still didn’t think it was going to happen but I was going to make sure to do my part and try. First meeting was 8/2012 and I was pregnant by 7/2013. After the initial testing which was much more involved than with the OB Dr Loy said there is no reason we can’t get pregnant on our own so his advice was to keep on trying. I said, “absolutely not!”. We were there for a reason and though it’s nice to hear that the plumbing works we want assistance! We did different meds to prevent multiples as the laparoscopy had revealed my small uterus. The first doctor putting me on clomid could have killed me & my kids if I’d gotten pregnant with multiples. I’m still mad at him. My HSG clearly raised a red flag when the dye didn’t fill up to the capacity that is normally expected. Plus, they never found my left ovary! It’s there it’s just not symmetrical and hides behind my small intestine most of the time. When there are indicators of reproductive abnormalities you don’t tell the barren lady that she’s all good. Anyhoo… after 3 iui attempts and 4 rounds of letrozol (to encourage one egg to ovulate instead of multiple like clomid) Dr. Loy said IVF was his recommendation. On paper Chady and I should have a kid per year of trying so maybe the sperm and egg are incompatible (this is super rare but hell so is my tiny uterus). Whelp! Come to find out after watching our reproductive units dance in a dish so well together we are a perfectly fertile medical mystery! Oh the mysteries of science and God.
So here we are at year 6: I’m pregnant. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Some mornings I wake up and literally check to see if my belly is still big. I worry that I have been dreaming it all. My dreams about pregnancy prior to pregnancy were so realistic and devastating when I woke up from them. My resolution is to take every single moment captive. The pregnancy has flown by and I’m really feeling the crunch of Oliver’s due date speeding towards us. He has a good chance of coming early b/c of my little suitcase so I have moments where my mind freaks a bit. Last week on one of my days off I had nothing to do. This is the first time since I got pregnant where I didn’t feel like something was pressing. I did a couple of things around the house and took my daily walk but other than that I just laid in the lazy boy and danced with my baby. These moments will be gone as quickly as they came and I don’t want to miss one dance move. I come to work very tired some days b/c I just don’t want to sleep through his dancing. He’s getting so strong and so big in there that some of is kicking and rolling is quite impressive. He still hugs the right side of my uterus and oftentimes balls up so tight over there that I feel weird bending over. He gets the hiccups on a daily basis now. Chad got to feel the hiccups last night and it cracked him up. I didn’t realize how much bonding you can do while they are in utero. No one has ever said much about how they “played” with their baby while they were pregnant but you totally can. I’ve had a hard time singing without breaking down into tears most of the pregnancy but lately what with the wildly happy hormones I’ve been belting out some good tunes in the car. I finally sucked up my emotions and played the guitar the other day. It was the first time I’ve played and sang since I got pregnant. He went wild in there. It was a very neat feeling. So again, I want to take every moment captive. There will be moments of insanity and exhaustion I realize that. Being a parent will bring every kind of stress that Chad and I have never known before. We are not so naïve to think that it will be all rainbows and sunshine. I am so excited to grow our relationship by parenting together. We’ve been together for 10 years now and the next 10 will be epic!
Happy new year.
No comments:
Post a Comment