Man oh man did I just lay awake all night! Thinking about getting the call from the dr saying "you're pregnant!" I envision this for some reason happening while I'm at work and me running over to the empty area overlooking the retention pond where my geico turtles swim and me just crumbling to the floor. I then picture me scrambling to compose myself so I can call chad to tell him before all of the geico sales team thinks I've had a nervous breakdown! One moment it just turned 6am I need to take my lupron injection.... Okay I'm back. So my mind was very much ahead of the game all night. I was at the anticipated phone call to tell me I'm pregnant. I was at the hospital waiting for chad to come out of surgery... I haven't written about his heart yet. Guess I've been saving it but we have found out as of the last 4-6 weeks that chad has Wollf Parkinson White syndrome which is a congenital heart defect that causes arrhythmia due to an extra electrical accessory (pathway). The symptoms are all over the place but we discovered chads because one night he just fainted out of the blue. No over excursion or lack of sustenance , he just fainted. He went in to see the doctor and they did an EKG which showed extra peaks (which is the most common way to diagnose the WPW) and the next day we were meeting a cardiologist going over what to do next. He has since had a treadmill stress test (which he passed, they were unable to cause the heart to flip out which was good but also a little frustrating b/c that means it can just happen without warning) and last week he had an echocardiogram which he also passed. The doctor is suggesting that he move forward with having an ablation (burning out the extra accessory) to prevent further issues and improve his quality of life. In retrospect he can see multiple times over the years where something was physically holding him back and he never complained enough to get the attention he needed. This syndrome can also have a big impact in the realm of stress and anxiety. Pills don't take the anxiety away for WPW patients and it can also create psychological depression because it untreatable type of anxiety (catch 22 much?). So though it sucks that chad has had some sour news it is good that its not life threatening whether he chooses to do the surgery or not. I just want him to be able to live without worry and I know that this discovery may dampen things for him. The surgery is super common (they do at least one a day). It's not open heart, they go in through the artery in the leg that I'd be able to name if I wasn't up all night (sheesh! What the heck?!). There is a chance that it works and he never has to deal with it again. There is also a chance that the accessory repairs itself and he has to have the surgery again. We meet with a heart surgeon soon to go over their opinions.
So there's that. My mind was thinking about being pregnant waiting in a hospital room watching him sleep. I know he will be fine. I have no doubt that all will be well.
We are planning to visit west palm in a few weeks. It'll be right after the embryo transfer. I think it'll be nice to take a little trip and unwind at the waters I clung to 10 years ago. I have many bipolar memories there. That was a hot or cold time in my life. There was not much gray. Lord have mercy do I cling to the gray now.
I've been thinking so much about where this blog started and how it has evolved. It has blossomed along side me as I've let go of the crippling fear that organized religion put on me. I knew all the things to say and was scared to even think something else. Oh the guilt that bands people together. I'm so free in my spirituality now that I look back at some of those first few entries and I can see exact sentences where I knew I was full of it but thought one day I'm going to grow into this. One day saying these things are going to feel genuine. I no longer have the worry about the one size fits all faith. I can't do it and it can't do me! Infertility has taken me to the highest highs and lowest lows of my relationship with my Creator and I wouldn't change it for the world. I believe in a narrow path. It's so narrow in my perception that we each have our own. I have found true freedom or salvation in the process of learning. It isn't the end it is the means that are so important in knowing God and in turn really finding my own spirit. I've been wanting to write about it and still it's hard to articulate but I feel like after so many years of doubt I have found a foothold in letting the rules of my childhood go indefinitely. They are so deeply ingrained (good job conservative Christians) that stepping away initially feels like you are touching the hot stove you were told not too. The more and more I allow myself to question (which by the way God is totally not scared of in the least) the more I find that I don't need the training wheels to legitimize my relationship with God. Where I stand in my search for God has truly become authentic and I pray that it continues to stay open and always searching.
That's all for now. Next post will be all about IVF I promise.
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