doubting the doc

so if you've talked to me for 5 minutes about fertility you know that i have researched it from stem to stern. i've obsessed over just being educated... maybe that's a control thing i don't know but i fee like the more i know the better my chances are for being my own and my childs advocate. with the last 3 cycles i had spotting too early after ovulation. i read in medical journals that it could mean i'm not producing enough progesterone to keep my lining from shedding early and that it is a common supplement given to women who have a short luteal phase (days from ovulation to 1st day of period). in a normal gal a good luteal phase is somewhere between 12-14 days... which makes sense if you ovulate around day 14 you'll start anywhere from days 28-30 if you aren't pregnant. well obviously with only a 9 day luteal phase the embryo has less time to implant securely before it is shed away w/the rest of the lining (period). in every case i've read about the progesterone is taken after ovulation because that is when the body naturally should be producing more and also if taken too early it can prevent ovulation altogether. i knew this before i called to ask if i could be prescribed it. when they called back saying yes you can use it the doctor prescribed it to be taken from day one of my cycle. that struck me as odd since everything i've read says don't do it so i said are you sure? they said yep so i've followed doctors orders and as i've already stated been miserable on the progesterone since that day. its been 2 1/2 weeks and i'm not getting used to it. i told a friend of mine today besides just feeling low and tired all the time i get so dizzy i've run into every door jam in the house. ugh! i know we aren't supposed to hate but i hate progesterone.
today is day 16. i've gone into a minor anxiety mode because i should've ovulated today (every cycle on clomid when i've ovulated its day 16). i got nervous yesterday because i started spotting (won't go into detail but its not a period) just like the last 3 months where i've started spotting day 25 except i'm only on day 16. there are a few explanations for it like evidently progesterone can irritate the cervix causing "sloughing" or slight bleeding especially after sex. regardless its the not knowing and all the speculating that makes me crazy. for me yeah the 2 week wait after ovulation is sorta stressful but my main stress is "am i gonna ovulate?" that for me has always been the hardest. i guess its because once i ovulate then i get filled up every cycle with all the hopes and potential and excitement that i don't even wanna test at the 2 week point b/c i wanna hang on to the hope as long as i can before i have to be disappointed and start all over. pathetic huh? well i just needed to get this out today. it's so hard to not think about it and not wonder if i'll ovulate tomorrow instead. how long will i wait for ovulation before i call the doc's office and yell at somebody for sabotaging this cycle. i only get to do the clomid 12 times before it becomes unsafe so wasting one cycle on a bad judgment call is not acceptable. i've got so many thoughts flying around my head about it and all i want to do is throw my burden at God and say "here, You deal with this" i know that's all God wants but how am i supposed to stop caring about it? how can this be put on a backburner. faith requires action. without action its useless so i am doing what i can to act on a God given desire. i'm tired though. my heart hurts. i don't want to be afraid. i know that i have nothing to be afraid of... i think i'm really being tested right now and i hope i pass. hopefully the testing is over with soon.
God i know and have learned throughout my life that when the going gets tough you are there stronger and louder than ever even if i can't tell. my prayer is that you will let me feel your comfort. restore the joy that i gained back in december and january and allow me to praise you uninterrupted regardless of fertility. i truly want to be able to say thank you for the things you have and haven't given me because your plan is the one i want to be a part of. if you have ordered these steps and answered my prayer to guide each move we make then i thank you for the pain. how am i supposed to understand the will of God. its silly to think it should all make sense but something in me will still seek after as much knowledge as you'll allow me to have. Lord i fail in so many ways daily. i have a huge problem with gossip and judgement of others, i am impatient and unfocused. forgive me for not having a persevering and steadfast attitude lately. i was so thrown off by not being pregnant last cycle that i haven't felt comfortable trusting since. i know you know that and i pray that you will sustain peace within me. help me in my unbelief. help me to realize that my life is not about me and chad and us raising a family. that's what i want, that's my plan. help me see the bigger picture that your plan or will is galaxies wide and that time is not important to you. help me to operate less by time and worry that we'll never catch up. thank you for recently blessing so many of my close daily friends with pregnancies. i'm so happy for them and thought that might mean i too would soon be pregnant. its hard to not want to go through it with your friends. thank you for giving me the courage to meet it head on and for giving me true happiness for them. when all is quiet and no one sees i run and cry because i am sad for us and i want to share good news with all of them too. i know that they hurt for us and want a pregnancy for us too so we can share in parenting together. clearly that is not your plan for us today. i don't get why and there i go again trying to dig up answers to impossible questions but I want to trust you. i will keep trusting you regardless of how impossible this seems. nothing is impossible with my Creator. that's why you are the one i picked :). please end this fertility journey soon. we have been tested and i'm not going anywhere. i will not give up on you because you will never give up on me.

prayer

i am reading a book by Katie Brazelton called "pathway to purpose" as i am involved in a bible study with some other women from my church. i have been on a huge reading kick the past several months and was excited to read the book more than going to the meetings if i'm honest. i just feel so uncomfortable in a group. i have been a couple times. even though i like it my body hates that much social interaction each time i come home w/every muscle in my back and neck just stiff as a board. growing up with some ocd tendencies i have had to learn that the way you overcome a fear is to expose yourself to it. so that's why i have gone to the study. exposure therapy. i didn't go last sunday because i fell off the faith wagon that day. i was talking through it with my dad yesterday at dinner and i articulated it best by just saying exactly how the abraham and sarah story hits me. it just plain sucks. even sarah is quoted by saying to God "(really?) now i will have this pleasure?"... of course she's probably thinking something like "hell, i'm 90 something years old and now i get the desire of my heart right before i kick the bucket. awesome, thanks God. you did what you said you were going to. you fulfilled your promise. neat but because i had to wait this long i'm too old to keep up let alone enjoy parenting w/friends and family members cuz their children have grown and they are grand parents now. the more i think of their story the less i like it. i know its supposed to give us inspiration that God will not withhold his promises. i know that i just don't want to be 40. more specifically i don't want to feel this longing deep seeded desire for another 10 years. for now i need to forget about abraham and sarah.. perhaps one day their story will inspire me again but for right now the story sucks.
so back to the prayer eh?
boy howdy do i need to make this my plea:
"God, today I empty myself to be filled by you. give me the grace to love you whether or not you bless my family or me anymore. I am content with whatever you choose to bless me with-- or even subtract from me--my kids, eyes, hands, voice, limbs, energy, or possessions. They are all yours not mine. I am sorry for my arrogance in acting as though i was giving something to you that belonged to me. In reality, everything I have is already yours; its simply on loan to me. I leave everything in your hands. you have big hands. I trust you."

when i finished my previous blog post i was re-reading it and of course was a ball of tears and chad came home. he was locked out so i got the humbling opportunity to meet him at the door all puffy and tear stained. he immediately hugged me and of course asked what was wrong. my response "the same thing its not working". i really don't know what i meant by its not working besides just me being a baby about it and throwing the meds under the bus cuz they are easy to blame. he just hugged me tight and let me cry it out and talked me through it. i won't go into detail about it cuz these things are private b/w us but i am so thankful he can talk when its important.

so today i need to surrender. i've been trying. i don't exactly know how but i'm trying to focus on what i can do to stay calm, steadfast, self controlled, and at peace with God. today will be ok. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

tears today

i don't know if its me just being sad or if its the new cocktail of meds i'm on but i have been a ball of emotions today. side effects from the hormones sure that's easy to blame it on but i'm just low today. i feel spent. heard an amazing sermon this morning that was right up our ally about moses and sarah's journey with infertility... they waited decades upon decades (good thing lifespan was long back then). what has made me feel so crappy is that i've tried to make it so we aren't miserable while we wait and we accomplish life as it should be accomplished until our parenting days come. i don't want to miss out on enjoying life just because i have a desire for a child. what set me back today was the story of abraham and sarah doesn't really begin until they have issac. 100 years of God's promises abraham's obedience then both he and sarah's disobedience to force the child into the world through his concubine hagar and all sort of turmoil jealousy and selfishness that festered on lack of faith. God still promised that sarah would have a child she was in her 90's.. even for chicks in that day she was way past child baring years so it was a miracle. its a neat story. its moving it shows the cycles of faith (which most of the cycle isn't the fun part). i just hate that there wasn't a big focus on what they were doing while they waited as if all these years passed by and it was just time. did God provide? yes, but why that many years... for some couples its excruciating to try for a few months and not conceive ... i don't want to feign my excitement to have to go through another cycle (i was just so sure that last month i'd be pregnant). i am hopeful always but how long can i recycle these positive thoughts and muster up enough trust to see it through.
i'm praying constantly. i'm reading great books about purpose, praise and fear. i'm filling my mind with words from the Bible that encourage and sustain me but today doubt has crept in big time. i'm having a hard time not focusing on my tomorrows. i've considered the last few months to take a break from the fertility meds. the thought to do that is daunting because my cycles are so erratic that tracking ovulation is nearly impossible. yes i'm nervous about losing control over it. before i'm judged for this please do remember most women know exactly when they are gonna start, ovulate, and start again so i don't feel guilty about not wanting to give up the "normal" gift the meds have given me. i have felt so privileged these last 5 cycles to know almost precisely when things are gonna happen and it scares the hell out of me to think that i'm about to go back to it. just typing it now makes my stomach burn.
i'm just super confused today. i knew with out a doubt that it was time to seek the medical advice and get tested. i have prayed for guided steps along each decision we have made and felt so sure about this journey til the last couple months. the reason i haven't quit yet is #1 i'm scared (no duh) #2 i don't want my choice to quit the meds to make this process any longer #3 i said i'd give it 6 cycles #4 i don't want to feel like i gave up.
well i'm on my 6th now where i'm taking a more potent clomid dosage and adding the progesterone (which may be the reason i feel so blue) to keep me from having my period early. i have tried to drill into my mind to take each day at a time and not get flustered about what i'm gonna do down the line. i just feel so unadvised and stalled out right now. right now at 6:34 pm on march the 20th i want to give up. check with me tomorrow maybe i'll be singin' with the song birds ready to press on and make this kid. i hope so. i hate the way i feel right now. i hate crying i hate a crying headache and a crying runny nose. i think i've stored up some of these tears and today the floodgates opened. i guess one good thing is that this fertility bullshit has made me a lot more sensitive. cute right?
lord i need you right now more than anything. you are the God of promises and deliverance and I can't do this alone... i know i keep trying to and i'm so stupid for forgetting its not about me. forgive me for doubting and for wallowing in self pity today. thank you for renewing my spirit and keeping me afloat since we started this fertility quest. each day you have given me just enough peace to look back at the last few years and be thankful. i need it today. an extra dose if you please cuz i'm hurting. i know you haven't forgotten us. You know that it feels like that sometimes and Your will is bigger than me having to know why your timing can't be now. part of my wants to delete this whole thing because i don't want to turn to you right now. my selfish nature is doing a great job at selling me into the thought that You are withholding for no good reason. yes, i know that sounds ridiculous but You know my innermost thoughts so this is not a surprise. help me in my unbelief. thank you for this. i hate it but thank you anyways.

i almost fell of the toilet

wish i could say it was because i had a positive pregnancy test. actually i didn't take one. like i said in my previous post i was just sure that the last cycle i did was going to be "the one" i even took a cell phone picture of the ovulation test when it showed that i was ovulating because i knew it was going to be the last one i'd see. so let me give a short history of the last 3 cycles of 100mg clomid.
i have ovulated every time but once on the meds so we know it is doing its job. each time i ovulate its on day 16/17 so thank God now we have a frame of reference to work with we start having our baby making fun about 5 days before we know i'm gonna ovulate and keep up the good work until about 4 days after. we have finally found a rhythm with the help of the meds and its so nice to have a "normal" cycle. women that are like clockwork haven't a clue how much harder it is to conceive. right right woe is me... but no! not any more. i can at least be thankful that i've been somewhat regulated. hooray.
so back to the last 3 cycles. i ovulate on day 16 then start lightly spotting 9 days later on day 25ish then i get my full on flow b/w days 29-33. which of course is a huge let down at the spotting moment and then i get kinda excited because maybe its implantation. implantation bleeding happens to about 30% of women about a week before they are supposed to start. well not this lady i keep getting my period after the fact. so of course i do my research and find that if i'm shedding my lining this early that can also play a role in infertility b/c the embryo doesn't have that full 12-14 days window to attach. i read that many woman are put on progesterone to keep the lining from being shed to early so i call up the doc. i was nervous to tell them about the early spotting cuz i was nervous they wouldn't give me the meds (which is stupid i realize i actually could have been prolonging this journey because of my "control"). i tell them everything and ask about progesterone. doc says "i agree"... wait really? man o man if i'd said something earlier.. oh well its in the past perhaps they would have taken a "wait and see" approach to it anyways. remember i am in Gods hands not my own. doors open, doors close.
so now my new cocktail of meds is a little more aggressive in the clomid i'm gonna start with 150mgs and i started taking prometrium (progesterone supplement) yesterday when i full on started my period. i know chad was bummed this time around i kinda had already gotten my peace about it and knew my period was coming but i was so shocked last monday when i started spotting. its like i had that moment when i looked up at the sky and thought "don't you remember God? this was supposed to be the month right?". oh me of little faith.
we are excited about this next cycle praying the new med change and a few more prayers will be the ticket. God is good and if all works out this cycle we will have a baby before christmas (yes i did the math).
i've been turning to the Bible more and more these days for comfort and guidance. i wish i had done this a year ago. i spiritually have gotten so dry and this has really helped keep me more peaceful and focused on my blessings.
so we pick ourselves back up and focus on new possibilities. i'm excited. every day that goes by gets us step closer to meeting this kid. i so can't wait to be their mom.

matthew 6 (an expert from the sermon on the mount)

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

this passage came to my mind on sunday night and i'm really becoming thankful that i read through most (totally skipped the begats) of the Bible back in december b/c i am reminded of certain passages at certain times when they are needed. when i read this specifically i think of myself and so many people i dearly love that struggle with control. trying to do everything perfectly in order to feel safe. in my case trying to speed up God's will and feeling like i actually can do that. i love this picture of God's fatherly side. look at the birds their instincts tell them to do exactly what is needed for that day and their needs are provided for. maybe if we didn't have so many distractions we might be able to focus on our instinctual needs as well and be comforted by the fact that if God looks out for blades of grass then how much more does he look after his most beloved creation?!

i was telling my good friend lesley last night about how i feel like the tough part of the infertility is over and regardless of if i am pregnant now or if it still takes a while i have learned so much about faith. nothing in the world will keep our children from us when it is the right time. doesn't matter what meds i take or how many vitamins i constipate myself with (oh yeah that's a whole nother blog!) it will happen when its supposed to. i've felt so rushed to force it. i have felt like we are lagging behind and that no one will care when we finally do conceive b/c it'll be old hat. i have worried that i would resent our child when she is born because i've spent so many tears on wanting. i let doubt creep in for so long and it has had its stay. it's exodus is far overdue and i'm thrilled that i have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm not really running towards it i'm just praying that each of my steps are guided. that i can rest in each day and enjoy the blessings all around me that i take for granted so quickly because of this distraction. each day has its own challenges and i am done with looking up at this impossible mountain thinking i've gotta get over it in one step.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.