i had a little miracle happen today. now i probably would be reprimanded for refering to an act of God as "little" but it wasn't astronomical by any means, just neato. for weeks my dad has been sending me blog entries from a gal named holley... its called "heart to heart with Holley" and they are short tid bits of encouragement to persevere and look for joy and praise God. nothing groundbreakingly theological or dripping in Biblical teachings but happy, encouraging, inspiring words to keep on keeping on. i look forward to them each time i see that he's sent me one.
well today i had the day off... it was a comp day since i worked saturday and i hadn't a clue what i was going to do with my day so i laid in bed for probably an extra hour this morning procrastinating touching toe to floor (cuz that means theres no going back to the delight of my favorite pillow). i read the Bible a bit... i'm still stuck in the end of Hebrews and then i cap it off w/the book of James for motivation... then i got my email from dad. yeah! i decided to do a little searching of who this holley chick is and found her website www.holleygerth.com and read a bunch of her blog entries and even sent her a quick thank you email. nothing special but i did mention that her words have encouraged me during the trial and journey of infertility... a few hours later after lunch and walking the lake (holy hot today) i came back to chad's office and did some further searching. i just had to know why she has this heart to help people and why she writes the way she does. finally i saw the link "bio" duh.. it'd been staring at me for a half hour i just didn't see it. well low and behold she and her husband are also dealing with infertility! unbelievable.. that's why i feel so connected to what she writes.. we are of the same thread! i then emailed her again earlier this evening to share my discovery and doubly thank her for just understanding and taking the stance that she has.. she's written a book that i'll be getting in the mail soon called "Rain on Me" and i can't wait to get it and read through it.. it's a devotional/workbook and i just finished "pathway to purpose" by katie brazelton so i'm ready for a new one.
last night i did start feeling a little sorry for myself for a few hours.. yep another pregnant friend. i want so badly to not make it about me. today i was reading an exert from holley's book and she says "its okay to not be okay". i think she's right. as a christian i feel like i have failed when i get sad about the circumstance i'm in. i want to be strong i don't want to let God down and not be content with all the blessings He's already given me. sometimes i have big tears and fighting words and i always bring them to God in prayer (if you wanna call it prayer.. its more like a one sided shouting match) but i feel guilty after like i should always be prim and proper like God can't handle my being blunt. how silly right?! so no more feeling like i pray to honestly.. God already knows how i feel and i want God to always be the first place i go when i'm happy or miserable. so today is a new day and i'm pressing on. Waiting on the desire of my heart happy at the moment to just sit and dream :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
new schedule and new rules in place
so last monday was the start of my new schedule at geico. i'm now back on the 9:30-600pm shift which i LOVE. its like i have a new job. its exciting i'm not praying the building will blow up and i am actually enjoying geico sales again... its funny we have a small section its 5 girls and one guy. pray for jimmy to survive w/all that estrogen. i kinda took the opportunity to start fresh there and not make the fertility thing a big deal at work. i'm too much of an open book when it comes to this passion and i feel like i shared too much in my last section. this one with so many girls of course i've been asked about kids (cuz all but 1 of them has children) and i just kinda put it out there... no but we hope it happens soon. praying God's will is now :). i have a feeling that i might get surrounded by a bunch of pregnant girls at the same time but my recent couple of months has prepared me for that with so many close friends getting knocked up.
i'm relieved. i have set some boundaries in reference to my last post and made sure that certain people in my life know that they are not welcome in the group (which now consists of me and chad, butt out) no more "what day are you on?" or "when are you gonna get a 2nd opinion?" or "aren't you gonna try a specialist?" or "do you want my opinion?"... no more... now you all can just let it go.. sit back and relax. how wonderful is it now that you don't have to worry about it (or at least i'm not gonna facilitate your obsessing over it. you get to just be patient and wait for good news. i like that.
again this last "break" from the prescription mix up has been so relieving. we've learned new things, i've accepted certain realities i don't want to accept and i'm feeling happy. God is good. His mercies and grace are new every morning. tomorrow will be a new day.
i'm relieved. i have set some boundaries in reference to my last post and made sure that certain people in my life know that they are not welcome in the group (which now consists of me and chad, butt out) no more "what day are you on?" or "when are you gonna get a 2nd opinion?" or "aren't you gonna try a specialist?" or "do you want my opinion?"... no more... now you all can just let it go.. sit back and relax. how wonderful is it now that you don't have to worry about it (or at least i'm not gonna facilitate your obsessing over it. you get to just be patient and wait for good news. i like that.
again this last "break" from the prescription mix up has been so relieving. we've learned new things, i've accepted certain realities i don't want to accept and i'm feeling happy. God is good. His mercies and grace are new every morning. tomorrow will be a new day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
verse from "it is well" i've never seen before
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
its not always well with my soul but i have more "it is well" days than "it is not well" days. i'm learning. i'm growing. i can feel necessary changes that i need to made positions in which i need to put my foot down. i can't go into great detail which sucks but i don't want to hurt anyone but i'm struggling w/someone very close to me. no not chad. i have asked God to show me how to be respectful and kind when i all want to do is belittle and retaliate. i expect the friends i have that are Christians see the infertility as a lesson and journey in faith. unfortunately one person can do nothing but plant seeds of doubt every time i am around them and i know i have to set up boundaries. i kinda expect this kind of behavior from friends that don't have any faith base but not from ones that do. Do you all get it? God doesn't need our help! you can rationalize all day about how there are millions of doctors and how you should get 47 opinions (til you find the one you have already diagnosed?) because there are so many doctors its due diligence, then obessess how everything should be questioned, then do everything right ...don't drink, don't over or under excersize, eat healthy whole foods, low in sugar, high in fiber, rich in vitamins.... don't forget to take only the prescribed prenatal (cuz Lord knows they're all the same its just the prescription cost $1.25 a pill), take you temperature every morning, have sex the "right way", then hang upside down by your ankles so all those swimmers have a fighting chance, get 8 hours of sleep every night, don't stress (hilarious). on that list of "don'ts" it should say make a sign that you can wear that says "just cuz i might tell you about my journey w/infertility doesn't mean i'm asking for your opinion". trust me you will all know when i want your opinions! until then shut the front door.... i'm mad and i want to just stop, be self controlled, and see this as an opportunity to set some strict boundaries w/these certain relationships that poison my joy. like any new habit it will take discipline. but i'm seeing now that it needs to happen now so that its clear that this negative controlling faith-lacking behavior won't be tolerated around my children.
each thing though it might be sad or tough to go through seems to make sense in the end. i was so pissed about the progesterone preventing ovulation but once i dealt with the reality that its just a month. its not really even a set back because it kind of gave us the break i've been wanting to take. to just sit back and not plan sex around fertility. to remember for a few weeks what it was like to not be trying to have a baby. i think the meds mishap was actually very cathartic for us crazy as it may sound. yeah we want a baby like yesterday but we have each other today. i love my chad. i love him so much.
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
its not always well with my soul but i have more "it is well" days than "it is not well" days. i'm learning. i'm growing. i can feel necessary changes that i need to made positions in which i need to put my foot down. i can't go into great detail which sucks but i don't want to hurt anyone but i'm struggling w/someone very close to me. no not chad. i have asked God to show me how to be respectful and kind when i all want to do is belittle and retaliate. i expect the friends i have that are Christians see the infertility as a lesson and journey in faith. unfortunately one person can do nothing but plant seeds of doubt every time i am around them and i know i have to set up boundaries. i kinda expect this kind of behavior from friends that don't have any faith base but not from ones that do. Do you all get it? God doesn't need our help! you can rationalize all day about how there are millions of doctors and how you should get 47 opinions (til you find the one you have already diagnosed?) because there are so many doctors its due diligence, then obessess how everything should be questioned, then do everything right ...don't drink, don't over or under excersize, eat healthy whole foods, low in sugar, high in fiber, rich in vitamins.... don't forget to take only the prescribed prenatal (cuz Lord knows they're all the same its just the prescription cost $1.25 a pill), take you temperature every morning, have sex the "right way", then hang upside down by your ankles so all those swimmers have a fighting chance, get 8 hours of sleep every night, don't stress (hilarious). on that list of "don'ts" it should say make a sign that you can wear that says "just cuz i might tell you about my journey w/infertility doesn't mean i'm asking for your opinion". trust me you will all know when i want your opinions! until then shut the front door.... i'm mad and i want to just stop, be self controlled, and see this as an opportunity to set some strict boundaries w/these certain relationships that poison my joy. like any new habit it will take discipline. but i'm seeing now that it needs to happen now so that its clear that this negative controlling faith-lacking behavior won't be tolerated around my children.
each thing though it might be sad or tough to go through seems to make sense in the end. i was so pissed about the progesterone preventing ovulation but once i dealt with the reality that its just a month. its not really even a set back because it kind of gave us the break i've been wanting to take. to just sit back and not plan sex around fertility. to remember for a few weeks what it was like to not be trying to have a baby. i think the meds mishap was actually very cathartic for us crazy as it may sound. yeah we want a baby like yesterday but we have each other today. i love my chad. i love him so much.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
quit progesterone = happy once again
amazingly only one day off of that crap and i feel sooooo much better. like i said yesterday i'm relieved that it wasn't true depression. its wild what meds can do to your mind i'm really amazed and thankful that it wasn't something i was going to have to deal w/long term. i was getting close to looking up therapists in lakeland to help me cope with the progesterone side effects. sounds dramatic? it was dramatic. totally counterproductive to actually making a baby. oi!
.... this is a to be continued entry... i'm coming back from lunch/walking the lake/target and publix... but i wanted to write today about how much happier i feel. i was so worried the last couple weeks that i'd lost the peace i'd gotten to. i'd sunk into a deep pit of despair and self pity. i am still mad that i got so down but i feel validated in a way. i'm not losing it! it was just that stupid medication! something to be thankful for. there is redeeming value in everything sometimes you just have to stretch to find it!
so talked to the doc's office today. nurse said new doc's orders... quit taking the prometrium now. that will make me start my period in probably a week to ten days then call and we'll do another 150mg round of clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle and then 1-2 days after i get the go ahead from my ovulation monitor that i've ovulated start taking the prometrium again every day twice a day.
its bitter sweet and i told her well at least i'll only feel like poo the last half of my cycle. of course inwardly i'm thinking... right no duh that's what i should have done last cycle so i wouldv'e ovulated but don't listen to me til i ask a 2nd time and complain that the prometrium made me skip ovulation... oh well. its in the past and lesson learned. i know now i'm on the right track. i'm not super stoked on taking the prog. supplement again b/c of how mopey i feel on it but hopefully the hope and joy of a potential pregnancy will outway the gloom. thats my plan for now.
oh yeah.... so my new years resolution beside making a baby of course was to read the proverbs 31 woman every day for the year. which i have done pretty well up until this last week. i have been obsessing over the abraham and sarah story so much i did some online research and read a few things writers had come up with as far as perspective and faith. one lady mentioned hebrews 11 being such a good faith chapter that is often overlooked (probably because hebrews is not light reading). i've switched my daily passage to hebrews 11. it gives so many examples of people having faith throughout the Bible. so i leave you with verse one:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
i believe Lord. i have the whole time whether i've been elated or deflated. i know your power and have seen miracles with my own eyes. healing that wasn't possible except through you. i know you have secured in my heart the peace that chad and i will get pregnant and have a baby. i know that everyday that goes by gets us one day closer to that precious day that we find out we are pregnant and i thank you for filling these days of waiting with so much learning and growth. i'm stubborn and some days i don't grow or learn well but i know that you are looking for me to be patient and persevering and then reward will be all the more sweet.
2 peter 1:3-10
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
.... this is a to be continued entry... i'm coming back from lunch/walking the lake/target and publix... but i wanted to write today about how much happier i feel. i was so worried the last couple weeks that i'd lost the peace i'd gotten to. i'd sunk into a deep pit of despair and self pity. i am still mad that i got so down but i feel validated in a way. i'm not losing it! it was just that stupid medication! something to be thankful for. there is redeeming value in everything sometimes you just have to stretch to find it!
so talked to the doc's office today. nurse said new doc's orders... quit taking the prometrium now. that will make me start my period in probably a week to ten days then call and we'll do another 150mg round of clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle and then 1-2 days after i get the go ahead from my ovulation monitor that i've ovulated start taking the prometrium again every day twice a day.
its bitter sweet and i told her well at least i'll only feel like poo the last half of my cycle. of course inwardly i'm thinking... right no duh that's what i should have done last cycle so i wouldv'e ovulated but don't listen to me til i ask a 2nd time and complain that the prometrium made me skip ovulation... oh well. its in the past and lesson learned. i know now i'm on the right track. i'm not super stoked on taking the prog. supplement again b/c of how mopey i feel on it but hopefully the hope and joy of a potential pregnancy will outway the gloom. thats my plan for now.
oh yeah.... so my new years resolution beside making a baby of course was to read the proverbs 31 woman every day for the year. which i have done pretty well up until this last week. i have been obsessing over the abraham and sarah story so much i did some online research and read a few things writers had come up with as far as perspective and faith. one lady mentioned hebrews 11 being such a good faith chapter that is often overlooked (probably because hebrews is not light reading). i've switched my daily passage to hebrews 11. it gives so many examples of people having faith throughout the Bible. so i leave you with verse one:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
i believe Lord. i have the whole time whether i've been elated or deflated. i know your power and have seen miracles with my own eyes. healing that wasn't possible except through you. i know you have secured in my heart the peace that chad and i will get pregnant and have a baby. i know that everyday that goes by gets us one day closer to that precious day that we find out we are pregnant and i thank you for filling these days of waiting with so much learning and growth. i'm stubborn and some days i don't grow or learn well but i know that you are looking for me to be patient and persevering and then reward will be all the more sweet.
2 peter 1:3-10
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
10 Therefore, my brothers and sisters,[a] make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, 11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
progesterone: freind or foe
it is so relieving to feel great today. i've only skipped one dose of the prometrium (progesterone supplement) and its like someone turned the lights on. makes me not feel as crazy. nurse had to leave a message and said the doc has some specific instructions for and and to go ahead and skip tonight's dose too (thank God!) and call her in the morning to see what the doc says. i'm just so glad it wasn't me being depressed. i haven't dealt with real depression in 10 years and that crap sent me back to a very dark place for 2 1/2 weeks so i'm thrilled beyond belief to be rid of it. if i have a short luteal phase so what. i've got a big Creator and nothing is impossible.
clinging onto His promises.
clinging onto His promises.
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