Monday, May 30, 2011
i'm 30 today
don't have much to say. just felt like turning 30 warrants a blog post. it seems impossible that i am this old but i guess thats good cuz i still feel like i'm 12.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
tips! on what not to say
fertility is not easy for anyone to deal with. its stressful emotional and depressing. its easy to succumb to feelings of doubt, guilt, and worthlessness. its one of the things women do. its part of what is feminine. when you find out its gonna take a long while it makes you feel like you aren't as good as the other women spitting out babies left and right then saying "oops! can't believe i got pregnant again!". if you haven't walked it yourself or known someone close who has you might need to brush up on what is politically correct to say. to help i have am going to create a never say list.
#1 - never say "oh just stop worrying about it and relax. as soon as you stop caring its gonna happen!" this is neither encouraging or wise counsel. studies show that stress has very little to do w/one's fertility. look at countries in east africa. they are under wild oppression and genocide and babies are still being born. plenty of us "inferitles" have stopped worrying and given up for a while and no baby. so quit
#2 - never think that just because someone tells you about their infertility woes that they are looking for your expert opinion on the matter. you'll know if they want your diagnosis by them saying "what do you think i should do?". most of us just want someone to listen. we know you don't have the answer, just be a friend.
#3 - never say "why don't you just go adopt ?" or "you should do invitro!". contrary to what you might think not all babies are free. now i know this might come as a shock but you have to pay to do both of those (like thousands and thousands of dollars). your standard domestic adoption is around 20k. a round of invitro is between 7-10k. maybe i am desperate to have a child but i will not be a bad steward to get there. now in my case if i had an extra 20k sitting around we'd have adopted a baby a year ago. when couples choose to not do adoption or invitro remember it may not actually be a choice. its a sensitive subject.
#4 don't tell us about how you know someone. what do i mean by that? don't tell me you know about an aunts sisters daughter's infertility and she did a b and c and finally after x amount of time she got pregnant! or about that gal's sister who's also infertile and she never did get pregnant and now she dogsits. hearing happy stories is great but we already know that infertile women get pregnant all the time its just when the right time comes. hearing sad stories only makes me feel bad for someone else. it doesn't make me feel better to know that anyone else has to go through this kind of pain even if they are a stranger. i wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
so just think before you speak. remember that us "infertiles" do our research and we know the options that are out there and the toughest part at the end of the day is just being patient. its not so much what meds to take or what foods to eat or how much cash to save up. those are exterior stresses that are part of the wait. no one likes to wait. not in 2011. you can get everything immediately. there are few things that require patience and diligence. dealing with infertility requires ample doses of both. there is always redeeming value to it. the reward/gift/child/blessing/family is the biggest payout i can fathom. every millisecond between this moment and that one is worth it.
by the way just about every time i type infertility i spell it wrong. you'd think i'd have it down pat by now right?!
#1 - never say "oh just stop worrying about it and relax. as soon as you stop caring its gonna happen!" this is neither encouraging or wise counsel. studies show that stress has very little to do w/one's fertility. look at countries in east africa. they are under wild oppression and genocide and babies are still being born. plenty of us "inferitles" have stopped worrying and given up for a while and no baby. so quit
#2 - never think that just because someone tells you about their infertility woes that they are looking for your expert opinion on the matter. you'll know if they want your diagnosis by them saying "what do you think i should do?". most of us just want someone to listen. we know you don't have the answer, just be a friend.
#3 - never say "why don't you just go adopt ?" or "you should do invitro!". contrary to what you might think not all babies are free. now i know this might come as a shock but you have to pay to do both of those (like thousands and thousands of dollars). your standard domestic adoption is around 20k. a round of invitro is between 7-10k. maybe i am desperate to have a child but i will not be a bad steward to get there. now in my case if i had an extra 20k sitting around we'd have adopted a baby a year ago. when couples choose to not do adoption or invitro remember it may not actually be a choice. its a sensitive subject.
#4 don't tell us about how you know someone. what do i mean by that? don't tell me you know about an aunts sisters daughter's infertility and she did a b and c and finally after x amount of time she got pregnant! or about that gal's sister who's also infertile and she never did get pregnant and now she dogsits. hearing happy stories is great but we already know that infertile women get pregnant all the time its just when the right time comes. hearing sad stories only makes me feel bad for someone else. it doesn't make me feel better to know that anyone else has to go through this kind of pain even if they are a stranger. i wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
so just think before you speak. remember that us "infertiles" do our research and we know the options that are out there and the toughest part at the end of the day is just being patient. its not so much what meds to take or what foods to eat or how much cash to save up. those are exterior stresses that are part of the wait. no one likes to wait. not in 2011. you can get everything immediately. there are few things that require patience and diligence. dealing with infertility requires ample doses of both. there is always redeeming value to it. the reward/gift/child/blessing/family is the biggest payout i can fathom. every millisecond between this moment and that one is worth it.
by the way just about every time i type infertility i spell it wrong. you'd think i'd have it down pat by now right?!
no tears no sir
i have been out of synch for a few weeks. now this isn't a bad thing its just different. i'm sure it all spawned from being off the meds for a couple months but i have been wondering why i'm not sad. isn't that weird? i should be sad. i mean yeah i've prayed for God to give me peace throughout each day but i guess i never expected to have so much peace that i was confused as to where that nagging sadness went. its perplexing. i'm not excited that i'm not sad i'm just more relieved. you'd think maybe its because i just haven't had to face it daily but the past few weeks/months have been littered with an explosion of pregancies. i mean way more than normal. its like every week or so someone that i have direct connections to whether it be socially or at work is pregnant or their wife is pregnant. in my new section there are 3 (one due any day now) and just it looks like another will be giving us her good news in a matter of days (she's late). its everywhere and i just haven't caught it yet but maybe thats it. maybe i haven't been sad about all these pregnancies because miracles are happening all around me. by deductive reasoning wouldn't it make sense that its just a matter of time til it happens to me? <-- rhetorical don't answer that...
an update on where we are with the stuff people can't keep there noses out of. and i'll say it again ladies, if i want your expert opinion i'll come running. til then no need for concern you have bigger fish to fry. the decisions we make are up to chad and i. we will only do what we are comfortable with. i do have "advisors" the ones i ask questions to (besides the doctor) are ones who have walked this road and have ended up with children. makes sense right?! all i'll say at this point is i did finally start my period on my own(i didn't want to take the meds to start it again so we waited) and we are stepping up the fertitlity "stuff" a notch a little differently this time around so that's always exciting.
i'm calm. i'm not getting to far ahead of myself this round. today is saturday its beautiful. i walked and saw all my favorite birds on hollingsworth and i'm gonna go now and by myself a birthday outfit.
i don't want to turn 30. really i don't. i wanted to have children by 30.. hell i wanted to be done having kids by 30. God has something different planned and i'm excited about what 30 might bring but it just sounds so adult to me. i am going to be a mother. i know that w/o a shadow of a doubt. i don't know how and when and by what means it will happen but it will trust God.
an update on where we are with the stuff people can't keep there noses out of. and i'll say it again ladies, if i want your expert opinion i'll come running. til then no need for concern you have bigger fish to fry. the decisions we make are up to chad and i. we will only do what we are comfortable with. i do have "advisors" the ones i ask questions to (besides the doctor) are ones who have walked this road and have ended up with children. makes sense right?! all i'll say at this point is i did finally start my period on my own(i didn't want to take the meds to start it again so we waited) and we are stepping up the fertitlity "stuff" a notch a little differently this time around so that's always exciting.
i'm calm. i'm not getting to far ahead of myself this round. today is saturday its beautiful. i walked and saw all my favorite birds on hollingsworth and i'm gonna go now and by myself a birthday outfit.
i don't want to turn 30. really i don't. i wanted to have children by 30.. hell i wanted to be done having kids by 30. God has something different planned and i'm excited about what 30 might bring but it just sounds so adult to me. i am going to be a mother. i know that w/o a shadow of a doubt. i don't know how and when and by what means it will happen but it will trust God.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
just what i need
as i posted earlier i was really feeling low for a good long while. worthless, out of touch, less of a woman, less of a wife, gloomy, and wallowing in my own self pity. these feelings and stages come and go as my womanly cycle comes and goes (infertility is literally a roller-coaster due to the blessed female cycle). so much is wrapped up in day one of your period... it means the best thing ever and the worst all at the same time. its great because this is day one of your potential pregnancy.. in about two weeks the egg will be released and if met at the right time w/the right sperm... magic... being on the fertility meds it gets exciting even earlier because i get to start taking the magic pills on day five and then start testing for ovulation around day 11. the crap thing about day one is very obvious. it means the last magical cycle didn't work. and i cry. then i pray begging and pleading, then screaming at God to just freaking do it. enough already.
this is the up and down of infertility. start wait stop. rinse and repeat. well even with proper guidance and focus no woman makes it out unscathed. i say now that's not so bad. as i've said before this has been my right of passage and i can't imagine going through anything quite like it. thats not so bad. God hears me. God hears you. He isn't withholding to make me sad. He is molding and making me into what will be a patient and persevering mom. all these tools that i've hated gathering up over the past few years will be so essential in raising this gift He will provide.
man i always get off on such a rambling tangent. the whole reason i decided to blog today was to share.
when i read through the Bible back in december and january i would stop to write the verses that spoke to me the loudest. i threw them in my huge messenger bag i lug everywhere and thought they would be nice to stumble upon in the future. it was kind of a way to remind future jess of what the present jess was learning and getting hope from.
perfect timing because i did feel like i was slipping a little yesterday... due to the screw up/blessing of the progesterone i was prescribed it threw my cycle of course completely. not surprising since it seems i can sneeze and miss a period. we are still waiting to get to the next cycle and of course i always have a tiny bit of hope even when i know i didn't ovulate that there is a little miracle about to happen. due to the boundaries i'm still attempting to set up with a few of you out there i won't divulge what day i'm on but i am super late. i took a test yesterday morning and it was a negative (which we expected so no tears). once the reality sinks in that i am empty it starts eating at me and i really have to focus on weeding out the negative thoughts (like the i'll nevers) and the doubts that so easily tangle me up. still i see the prescription snafu as a blessing. we've needed a break and it was forced upon us. i was so torn about taking a break that God intervened and because of the meds i got what i wanted and don't feel like i'm doing something to cause us to have to wait longer. i guess now that i know i'm not pregnant for sure and its been a while since the last cycle i'm ready to get back on course. kinda like riding a bike eh? He is so good to us.
so with out furthur ado let me share the verses that i stumbled across today when i was searching through my bag for my phone... i pray this is healing and helpful to any one who takes the time to read...
psalms 21:2 you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.
psalms 20:4 may he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed.
2 kings 4:15-17 Then Elisha said call her so he called her and she stood in the doorway. About this time next year elisha said, you will hold a son in your arms. But the woman became pregnant and the next year about the same time she gave birth to a son.
coll 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful.
matt 7:9-11 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
isaiah 61:7 instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.
psalms 94:18-19 When i said my foot is slipping your love , O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great with in me your consolation brought joy to my soul.
psalms 119:169+176 May my cry come before you O Lord give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. may my lips overflow w/praise, for each you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous. may your hand be ready to help me for i have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation O Lord and your law is my delight. let me live that i may praise you and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for i have not forgotten your commandments.
Psalm 127 unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. unless the lord watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for fod to eat for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord. Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Col 3:23/24 whatever you are doing work at it w/enthusiasm as to the Lord and not for people. because you know that you will recieve your inheritance from the Lord as the reward. Serve the Lord Christ.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you should answer everyone.
phillipians 3:13b forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to these who are tired to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. even you get tired and weary; even strong men can stumble. But those who wait for the lords help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles wings they run w/o growing weary they walk w/o getting tired.
isaiah 40z1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.
hebrews 10:35-39 so do not throw away your confidence;; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what he has promised. For in just a very little while he who is coming will come and will not delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back i will not be pleased with him. but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who believe and are saved!
ps 27:14/ 28:6-7 wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The lord is my strength and my sheild my heart trusts in him and i am helped
ps 34:10 the lions may grow weak and hungry but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
ps 31:24 be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord.
2 peter 1:3-9 for this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control perseverence; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.
this is the up and down of infertility. start wait stop. rinse and repeat. well even with proper guidance and focus no woman makes it out unscathed. i say now that's not so bad. as i've said before this has been my right of passage and i can't imagine going through anything quite like it. thats not so bad. God hears me. God hears you. He isn't withholding to make me sad. He is molding and making me into what will be a patient and persevering mom. all these tools that i've hated gathering up over the past few years will be so essential in raising this gift He will provide.
man i always get off on such a rambling tangent. the whole reason i decided to blog today was to share.
when i read through the Bible back in december and january i would stop to write the verses that spoke to me the loudest. i threw them in my huge messenger bag i lug everywhere and thought they would be nice to stumble upon in the future. it was kind of a way to remind future jess of what the present jess was learning and getting hope from.
perfect timing because i did feel like i was slipping a little yesterday... due to the screw up/blessing of the progesterone i was prescribed it threw my cycle of course completely. not surprising since it seems i can sneeze and miss a period. we are still waiting to get to the next cycle and of course i always have a tiny bit of hope even when i know i didn't ovulate that there is a little miracle about to happen. due to the boundaries i'm still attempting to set up with a few of you out there i won't divulge what day i'm on but i am super late. i took a test yesterday morning and it was a negative (which we expected so no tears). once the reality sinks in that i am empty it starts eating at me and i really have to focus on weeding out the negative thoughts (like the i'll nevers) and the doubts that so easily tangle me up. still i see the prescription snafu as a blessing. we've needed a break and it was forced upon us. i was so torn about taking a break that God intervened and because of the meds i got what i wanted and don't feel like i'm doing something to cause us to have to wait longer. i guess now that i know i'm not pregnant for sure and its been a while since the last cycle i'm ready to get back on course. kinda like riding a bike eh? He is so good to us.
so with out furthur ado let me share the verses that i stumbled across today when i was searching through my bag for my phone... i pray this is healing and helpful to any one who takes the time to read...
psalms 21:2 you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.
psalms 20:4 may he give you the desire of your heart and make your plans succeed.
2 kings 4:15-17 Then Elisha said call her so he called her and she stood in the doorway. About this time next year elisha said, you will hold a son in your arms. But the woman became pregnant and the next year about the same time she gave birth to a son.
coll 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer being watchful and thankful.
matt 7:9-11 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
isaiah 61:7 instead of their shame my people will recieve a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.
psalms 94:18-19 When i said my foot is slipping your love , O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great with in me your consolation brought joy to my soul.
psalms 119:169+176 May my cry come before you O Lord give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. may my lips overflow w/praise, for each you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word for all your commands are righteous. may your hand be ready to help me for i have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation O Lord and your law is my delight. let me live that i may praise you and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for i have not forgotten your commandments.
Psalm 127 unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. unless the lord watches over the city the watchmen stand guard in vain. in vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for fod to eat for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord. Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Col 3:23/24 whatever you are doing work at it w/enthusiasm as to the Lord and not for people. because you know that you will recieve your inheritance from the Lord as the reward. Serve the Lord Christ.
Col 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you should answer everyone.
phillipians 3:13b forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to these who are tired to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. even you get tired and weary; even strong men can stumble. But those who wait for the lords help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles wings they run w/o growing weary they walk w/o getting tired.
isaiah 40z1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.
hebrews 10:35-39 so do not throw away your confidence;; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will recieve what he has promised. For in just a very little while he who is coming will come and will not delay. but my righteous one will live by faith. and if he shrinks back i will not be pleased with him. but we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed but of those who believe and are saved!
ps 27:14/ 28:6-7 wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. praise be to the Lord for he has heard my cry for mercy. The lord is my strength and my sheild my heart trusts in him and i am helped
ps 34:10 the lions may grow weak and hungry but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
ps 31:24 be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord.
2 peter 1:3-9 for this reason make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control perseverence; and to perseverance godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness and to brotherly kindness love.
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