6 month update!

So I have been sooo bad at updates! Yikes!
What I've been meaning to do is sit down at the computer (which barely happens) and write my stream of consciousness. Just free write about my pregnancy.
I don't know that the perfect time to do that will come so I'm improvising. We are en route to a wedding and I can zone out for a bit and type into my phone. No, I'm not typing and driving!
The 1st trimester was full of equal parts excitement, disbelief and fear. The fear has gradually subsided as I've progressed. With my small uterus I knew that though the 2nd trimester is supposed to be the easiest of the 3 it would be scary due to the risk of pre-term labor. Well I've make it to 24 weeks and believe it or not, if Oliver came today he'd have a good chance of survival. Now while I'm not breathing any huge sighs of relief I am comforted to know that he isn't doomed if he did come now. Babies born this early though they have a good chance of surviving also face a multitude of up hill battles neurologically, with their respiratory and other potential developmental delays. Given that my unicornuate uterus is bigger than most UU ladies I am getting more confident by the day that we'll make it to 37 weeks.
Moving on out of the fear zone. This baby moves pretty much 24/7. I'm going to try to post the video of him kicking at 22 weeks. No one believed that I could see him moving so I patiently waited with my camera ready and shocked a few folks. I was also told that there was no way I felt him for the 1st time at 12 weeks. People are silly. He stays on the right side 98% of the time and has recently started laying horizontally, stretching so far out on the right i feel like he's trying to wrap around me. It's wild! I absolutely love it. I could lay in the lazy boy for hours and just feel this kid dance. I don't think the wait and infertility would make it any different but who knows. I just am loving every minute of the 2nd trimester. In the 1st I was afraid to be anywhere but Geico and home. I felt like I needed to check for bleeding all the time and not having an escape plan when being out with chad or a friend really made me uncomfortable. I haven't bled since week 9 thank God.
If I could bottle the 2nd trimester hormones I would. Even when I'm angry I'm oozing with happiness. I'd live in the 2nd trimester. I'm walking pretty much every day and feeling lots of extra energy and gumption to get things done.  I hear that I won't be quite as stoked in the 3rd trimester so that gives me an extra push to wrap up as much as I can in the next 4 weeks.
After my next appointment I'll start seeing the doctor every 2 weeks. Can't believe how quickly we've gotten to this point. Hooray for 6 months of Oliver Gray!

Car crash and the 20 week milestone

It's 5 am and I can't sleep. Better explained... I don't want to sleep. Oliver dances in the middle of the night and I don't want to miss out on his sweet moves! He moves around pretty much all the time. I am loving this part of the pregnancy. The last 2-3 weeks have been probably the best of my life. I've never felt more content. I've never felt more connected.
Being a parent is the one thing I can look back on and know that I've always needed to be. I wanted to be a nurse, a teacher, and musician, a wife. All of those things at some point I lost interest in. The only 2 that I regained a desire for are clearly the musician bit and getting married. When I met Chad I was still strongly opposed to marriage. He is the only reason I did it. God I love him. He's the only partner that makes sense for me. Marriage made sense when I found love with Chad.
So we are 20 weeks now. Half way point is here! Most likely we passed the halfway point at some point in the last 2-3 weeks but I'm still at peace that I'll make it to 36 weeks without incident. Which brings me to the incident....
I had an eerie feeling today. I had just gone to publix and wanted to drop off some stuff at Salvation Army that was taking up my back seat. I had to go home 1st b/c I didn't want my coconut Popsicles to melt and I felt the intuition to stay home. Drop the stuff off tomorrow. I didn't listen.
I'm okay. Oliver is A-okay. I was almost home. My car was the 1st in the left hand turn lane on Edgewood to turn into NJ. I saw police lights to the east and then I saw a car speeding down the suicide lane. He wasn't going to stop at the red light. He was heading right for me. As he swerved through the intersection a van that was turning west onto Edgewood from NJ "cut him off". They didn't see him coming and were turning right on red perfectly legally. After the car struck the van that impact cause him to ricochet into my car and the truck in back of me. Bam, bam, bam. I assumed that he got away but the damage to his car caused his front two wheels to turn in forcing him to stop after trying to get away.
When you know you are about to get hit you're supposed to relax as much as possible to avoid injury. This is why so many drunks survive major crashes. I told myself to just be a limp rag. I still held my breath. Concerned that this was more than just a car accident what with the police chase, I knew not to get out of the car until I was told to. 5 seconds after I got hit my friend Allison who is LPD whips around the corner and jumps out of her patrol car to back up the other cop that had chase the kid down. She sees me and realizes that I've been hit and I know it will all be okay. Right before I got hit I muttered,"it's okay". It has to be right?! As soon as I got out of my car I burst into tears. My adrenaline is pumping, my prego hormones are flooding my mind with relief, fear, thankfulness and anger. I've not had to be over protecting mom yet but all of that came rushing in. Thankfully he was moving almost immediately after the accident. I shouldn't call it an accident as it was totally avoidable. It was a crash. Allison saw that I was shaken up and potentially broke protocol and hugged me. There was a lady who had come out of her house to see what all the ruckus was about who said she was very impressed with LPD being so nice to the scared pregnant lady. I didn't tell her that we were already friends. LPD could use some positive gossip.
Chad was there in about 7 minutes. These events that are out of our control really inspire certain emotions that we aren't used to. It could have been tragic. That kid could have killed people but everyone walked away.
I chose to go to the ER to make sure Ollie was okay. He was moving but I wanted to make sure the placenta didn't tear and that he looked good. Also as an insurance agent I know that pain can be suppressed by adrenaline and if I was somehow hurt I wanted to be sure I sought emergency treatment since it was auto related. PIP claims can be very sticky so you always go to the ER. I got to ride with the driver who caused the fray. He was on a back board b/c he was complaining of back pain at the scene (he jumped out of the car and was walking so I assume he's okay). His name is Caleb and he's 19 years old. He was dirty from head to toe and his speech was slurred. I didn't smell booze but I assume he was under the influence of something not super legal. He just kept saying, "oh shit" on the ride to the hospital along with screaming every time we turned and apologizing, "I never wanted to hurt anybody."
So Caleb was driving on 2 suspended licenses (GA & FL) and was not insured to drive the vehicle he was in. It belonged to his fiancé. She just bought it a few months ago and he totaled it yesterday. When she came to the ER to see him he told her he'd been cut off at an intersection and the brakes failed. The police told her about his suspended licenses and she said she didn't know he'd ever lived in GA. Pretty sure they are not headed down the aisle any time soon!
Not only did this kid hit a pregnant insurance agent but the driver of the van is a PIP attorney and his wife hops out of the passenger side 8 months pregnant! Caleb's fiancé is insured with progressive.  This claim is going to ruin her policy.
Hoping the gravity of what could have happened shakes up 19 year old Caleb and he straightens up. I am thankful that he doesn't have to live the rest of his life with death or serious injury on his hands. I'm so thankful that the unborn babies involved are fine. I'm thankful for an intuition that I should listen to better. I'm so thankful that not listening to it didn't put me in a really bad situation yesterday. I'm so thankful that as inconvenient and scary as yesterday initially was, I had a friend there immediately and that set my heart at ease. I'm thankful that Chad knows that though I love being independent I need him big time. I am thankful for how well the emergency services handled themselves and the others involved. Thankful that mom came as soon as she heard and she didn't freak out to much. I have such an incredible support system.
Once we were at the ER Caleb and I parted ways. He was arrested in his hospital bed and I was taken back for an ultrasound. Their protocols are to not allow the mother to see the screen or tell her anything about what they see (for good reason). Sucked that I didn't get to peek but the tech was nice enough to tell me that he was swallowing fluid and yawning. Little Oliver is hard to impress I suppose. He's not head down anymore but that's no concern until we are much further down the line. He tends to hang out on the right up high. It's like a hard ball and I feel his dancing top. left and bottom of the uterus. He's been dancing up a storm while I've been typing. My belly is a bit lopsided because of how he's positioned. So funny.
God I'm so thankful for our safety. I was a bit frustrated with some of the comments I got on Facebook. People saying church garble that pisses me off like, "so glad He protected you."  Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. At about the same time in Bartow a woman and her 6 month old baby died in a car crash. Do we say that God chose not to "protect" them? No one is deserving of special God treatment. Things just happen. I am thankful that we walked away fine but I in no way think that God spared me because I'm more special than the mother and baby who weren't as fortunate. Things happen to people. Christians complicate that with the need to be elite. Mini rant over. It's 6:30 now and I may try to post this to the blog and try to sleep a bit.

A picture says a thousand words...

Meet my son, Oliver Gray Kostella!

Holler if you hear me!

We yell at you a lot. I mean A LOT! As a Kostella you'll find that being yelled at is a fun happy silly thing we do everyday. I don't know when it started but Chad and I like to just yell. Maybe that's why when we argue the volume is little more than a whisper. Yelling means fun. You've been able to hear since about week 16 so we do a lot of "Baby!!", "Hello?!", "It's your mom!" and "It's your dad!".
So I'm writing today because I have felt you so much today! I mean way more than ever. It's such a relief to feel you popping around in there. Usually when we go to bed I lay on my left side and fold up a blanket under my belly. I usually feel you every night and I soooo look forward to that 10-15 minutes of popping around before I go to sleep. This afternoon and tonight I've felt it so many times. It's such and incredible feeling. It's fluttery and poppy. You'll tap in the same spots and usually by the time i get my hand down to feel it you quit. It's like a game. Today though you kept on tapping so I could feel those strong kicks or punches in my hand.
Pregnancy is wild. What they say is so true about the 2nd trimester. This trimester is so great. 9 days until we get to find out if you are Oliver or Rose. Holy cow!

Kicks for all to feel! This is getting very real!

Chad felt you tonight. 10/15/13 around 10:30. His reaction was hilarious. We are so lucky to get to feel you this early. I usually feel you late at night and I don't want to go to sleep because I hate missing out on those flutters! Tonight you were more active than ever. I battled some major MAJOR heartburn tonight so I'm wondering if that had something to do with your wildness. Broke down and ate some antacids. Keep on fluttering baby, I'm loving every minute!

Update and baby belly shot!

I felt the baby kick. 9/21 2:22pm. Walking and have to pee so bad! 12 wks 2 days!!

Haha. So I've been told there's no way that I felt the baby that early but I know what I felt. I've felt it a lot more too and it's happening more frequently now. I can't explain it. Most website say it feels like popcorn popping or butterflies. What I feel I guess is more like popcorn but it kind tumbles as well. Yes, I do realize that the baby is only 3 inches long but I swear I'm feeling it!
So let's fast forward to today! I'm 14 weeks! Had an appointment today and a nurse listened to the heart tones. She said they sound really great. It was different than the ultrasound heartbeat. It was swishy and beautiful. Baby's got great rhythm!
So the best part about today was that Dr. Garas said at the next appointment he'll do the anatomy scan! That means we find out if it's Oliver Gray or Rose "fill-in-the-blank Kostella. I am so anxious to find out! I also want one of those ridiculously cute profile ultrasound photos so we can see the little nose and chin.
Today was certainly a fun day!
A little more about yesterday.. This entry is a bit scattered i realize but who knows when I'll get around to blogging again. I didn't post yesterday b/c I'm waiting for my photos to upload so it'll all get posted together. Got some good belly shots yesterday. Getting bigger!

Bouncing Prune!

Got to see our wiggle worm today! Baby was bending and bouncing around in there!  I don't know why but I was not expecting to see movement already and holy cow that baby is sooo much bigger than the last time! Heartbeat is 178 and is roughly the size of a prune. So strong and looking good. Dr. Garas cleared me for exercise and other fun activities I haven't been able to do since before the embryo transfer because of the intrauterine clot. It looks a lot smaller now. It has "organized" itself well and should cause no problems. It has been somewhat of a shadow over this pregnancy as I am always looking for spotting every time I use the bathroom (which is all the time!). 

The last two weeks I have been absolutely exhausted. Chad had his heart surgery and is recovering slowly but surely. I didn't think it stressed me too much but Sunday I got a migraine. Haven't had one in so many years and it really slammed my body on breaks. Hoping it isn't recurring. So glad that the heart surgery is behind Chad. He could tell an immediate difference which was reassuring. His doctor seemed very pleased with how will he did and is confident that the accessory is destroyed. That means Chad is officially just like the rest of us. 

As for now I'm looking forward to the end of this first sleepy trimester. Still trying to take each day captive and be thankful in each moment though I am anticipating being out of the danger zone. I'm starting to get a little bump. Can't suck it in anymore and actually got called out about it at work last week. A coworker said she could just tell cuz I never have a belly. Haha. It's mostly bloat but my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit and my belly is really hard. I'm excited about all the changes my body is going through and so looking forward to feeling that wiggle worm wiggle wiggle wiggle in a month or so. 

Music to our ears....

Big day! Thankfully there was no long moment of poking around so i will not beat around the bush. Ultrasound wand went in and  the baby was right there! My eyes went straight to the heart. It was flickering away like crazy. It was just what my mind has been envisioning this last week. Heartbeat was 165/minute. Nice and strong looking perfect. Due to the clotting Doc hasn't cleared us for sex or exercise but he said we should have nothing to worry about he just wants me to take it easy until the 1st trimester is over. 

It was very relieving to see one. We both let out a big exhale. Doc can't confirm if the 2nd sac was a twin or a clot but there is definitely only one baby. That means so much to the viability of this pregnancy.

More good news. The crinone is no longer a part of my life! I asked about it because it is so gross and the build up is ridiculous. He said he prefers the injections anyways and if I'm up for 2 shots a day then we can change the progesterone protocol immediately. Woo hoo! Starting tomorrow I'll be doing 75mg in the morning then 75mg at night. So much cleaner. 

Today was a very big day. I think we are finally allowing ourselves to be excited and say it out loud. We are 6! Chad, Jess, Pattie, Stella, Jerome and baby K!

Getting my learn on.... 6 weeks today!

"Identical twins develop when a fertilized egg splits. Depending on when the split occurs will determine if the twins share a placenta, with either one or two chorions and amnions, or if they each develop their own placentas. In general, the later the spit occurs, the more likely that the twins will share one placenta."

Why did I copy and past that from a medical journal? Glad you asked. I have been furiously scouring the Internet (trying my damnedest to stay away from the forums) to find info on identical twin embryology and vanishing twin syndrome. The research I've done makes me feel much better about what I'm experiencing now. Women can have full on clotting and cramping when losing one and the other is perfectly fine. Hard to believe but it's true. The scary part I ran across was that with some identical twins if one triggers the mothers body to miscarry they both go. The reason is the shared sac and placenta. I never knew this but depending on when the embryo splits determines if the babies will be in one sac or two. I'm relieved because my two are clearly separate w/their own placentas. That way if I do lose the one that "doesn't look good" their brother or sister doesn't necessarily get expelled along with it. I realize this is a negative and dark post but in all honesty it is hope for me. This is a ray of sunshine and I need it. 

Today marks 6 weeks. Lots of growing and developing is happening. Nose, mouth, ears, arm and leg buds are all starting to protrude. The heart is beating about twice as fast as mine. Trying to focus on what is most likely happening. I am still experiencing the same symptoms. Heartburn is worse now that its accompanied by acid reflux but I'm thankful for anything that makes me feel pregnant. 

Nurse Marty called to check on me this morning. It was mostly her reassuring me that this is super common and again was to be expected base on the ultrasound. Spotting has lessened this morning so clearly I'm hoping that it goes away completely before I go back to work Sunday. Regardless I figure I'll be wearing the phonebook pad until my next ultrasound!

Seeing red.

More bleeding after 72 hours of nothing. This time it was worse. I woke up with really light pink watery spotting which honestly didn't concern me at all. Doc said to expect it so I brushed it off, taped in a pad  the size of a dictionary and off I went to work. I've had really bad gas the last few days b/c of constipation so my stomach all morning was very queasy. It's hard sometimes to tell the difference b/w cramps and gas especially when you are reading into EVERY twinge your body makes. Went to the bathroom around 2:00 to do the progesterone gel and the blood came. Heavier, brighter red and dripping (sorry for TMI but this is my blog so get over it). This was worse by far. 

I called the clinic to report it due to the color I was very alarmed (bright red = bad). Nurse called back and said based upon Sundays ultrasound this was to be expected and everything should be okay. She said to call if I start passing clots and/or have cramping that's worse than a period. 

This is not fun at all. I knew to expect more but I thought it would have happened right after the first incident. Since it has been days I was assuming and praying that the uterine bleeding would just re-absorb into my system. Guess not. 

If you read this please pray that this isn't the end. I had a moment driving home from work where I felt that sense that it was over. I'm feeling more positive now but having a hard time connecting to anything emotional about all of this. With me when it rains it pours so when tears do happen I'll be a mess.

Trying to find a positive in this. I know it's not over. Chad said concerning the 2nd sac that he for one of the only times in his life felt like it's divine intervention that it probably won't make it. We've told very few people about the embryo splitting and some don't understand that it isn't awesome or cute or neato. Me carrying twins is life threatening to all 3 of us. If my uterus was the standard size I'm sure I'd feel differently but right now I'm just focused solely on one. 

I'm at home now resting. My queasiness feels better since I went to the bathroom (more TMI?) so hopefully the cramps won't come. 

This totally sucks. 

Odd update.

There are two sacks. One looks great. Saw the yolk sac and it looked perfect. The other and I quote, " does not look good." Dr. Loy could see blood in the 2nd sac and an additional area of blood in the uterus. He said to expect more spotting. Shouldn't be a lot but it will still make me crazy. 

Yes, we only transferred one embryo. There was a 2% chance of it splitting (identical twins). He said there is a chance that it split and there is a chance that that sac is just a uterine clot.  Judging by the size being the same as the 1st sac though he thought it was a 2nd gestational sac. 

The bleeding he also is attributing to a cervical erosion. The progesterone gel can do that causing some bleeding. I am on A LOT of progesterone. 

How do I feel... I'm not happy or sad. I'm sorta speechless on how I feel. We aren't supposed to have twins. I feel a little relieved that one of them doesn't look good because I don't trust that my uterus can carry both long enough. That relief also makes me feel really guilty. I'm sort of set at ease. That's all I got. Shouldn't have cramping or bright red blood but should expect more of what happened this morning. I can't go to work with my mind like this. Next appt is 8/20. Be still my heart. 

Spotting and scared

Woke up at 6am. Spotted in my pantyliner as soon as I did the progesterone gel. Scared the shit out of me. Called the emergency line for the clinic. Dr Loy called back in about 15 minutes. Dr Loy has never called before. He wanted every detail. He's going to see us at 9 for an ultrasound. This will go one of two ways. Hoping its nothing. Hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Five years of infertility does not earn me a free pass now that I'm pregnant. I have known that all along but it sure would be nice to have a complication free pregnancy. 

No cramping which is a good sign. I did have some slight cramping yesterday that I blew off as no big deal. It looked like it could be old blood. When it's bright red its a very bad sign so this could be no biggie. 

Praying for a heartbeat. 

Beta and back to butt shots.

2300 was the updated beta on the hcg levels! Very good news!! Eeepp!

Only sucky part is I have to do the progesterone injections in the booty again because my progesterone was a little lower than Dr. Loy prefers. I'll keep with the crinone (progesterone gel vaginally) twice a day and add one cc of the progesterone oil at night. Also still taking estradiol 4 times a day orally.  Lots of work for a HUGE reward. 

Great great news. 

Can I relax now? 

Nope!

Beta

Beta blood draw was yesterday at 8am. They called around 2:30 to tell me congratulations.

Beta: 987 (the 87 may be like 47 I didn't write it down!!)

I go back tomorrow for another beta. It should be double. We'll schedule the first ultrasound from there. That'll happen in about 3 weeks. 

Feelings: pooped! Cautiously dreaming about the day we meet. Feeling pretty subdued to be honest. I'm not getting the best sleep but I'm thrilled about the symptoms. I imagine that will subside once I'm used to heartburn 24/7. 

Gagged yesterday at around 8:30 pm and wanted to do cartwheels I was so pleased. Oh the things years of infertility does to the mind!

The moment we've all been waiting for...

This is long because its a couple of notepad entries I made a few days ago. I wasn't real comfortable putting it on the blog yet but I feel like since I've been open about negatives I should be just as open about the POSITIVE!

The following was written 7/26/13 at 2:14am:

I flipped out at work around 3pm. Had a light pink spot on a pantyliner (cue the music that makes you feel like all hope is lost). Decided enough is enough and drove home on my lunch break to take the dreaded home pregnancy test. Told chad I was coming. When I got here I asked if he thought I should go through with it.

 He said yes.

 I asked I it would ruin his night since he had to play at Molly's tonight. 

He said no. 

He asked if he should come with me.

 I said no you don't need to watch me pee. I'll call you once the timer starts... 

I sit. 

I pee. 

I don't even get my pants back on and that sucker was positive. 

I repeat. Positive. 

I lost my mind. 

I can't speak... 

I need to speak..

He needs to come quick!

I'm clamoring to get up and starting to yell for chad while choking back tears. "It already says positive!!!!"  

I'm shaking. 

He comes running. 

He's holding me tight trying to calm me down as he also is freaking and fighting tears to stay strong for his trembling wife. 

I say I just can't believe it through my balling. He says he can. He has been so stoic through all of this.... 

Next he prepares for me a turkey sandwich and kisses me goodbye because I have to go back to work!! Haha I was totally worthless the last half of the day. It was ridiculous. 

We are pregnant. We are going to have a freaking baby. It is so surreal I can barely wrap my head around it. 

Calling the doc tomorrow to see if I should be concerned w/the pink spots. From what I've read it's normal so trying to stay calm and positive. 

Holy crap. 

Can't sleep. 

Need to sleep. 

How can I sleep at a time like this. 

I've never fallen to sleep knowing I was pregnant before. This is very new!

Holy crap!

The following was written on 7/26/13 at 8:55pm:

I've know now for a little over 24 hours. Still doesn't seem real. Called the doc. They said no concern about the spots (there were 2). That really set my mind at ease. Not completely but quite a bit. No spotting at all today (Hooray!!). Boobs are still very tender, I'm drained, i've been peeing a bunch and didn't sleep but for about 4 hours due to heart burn. All good signs. I'll take them too. The more symptoms the more my mind will be at ease that baby K is okay. When you go through 5 years of infertility all you crave are symptoms. Maybe I'll wish them away down the road but not on day 2. 

Figured out my approximate due date should be around April 3rd. It would be so freaking hilarious if baby is born on April fools day (date my eggs were fertilized). Then we can confuse everyone by telling them that conception to birth took exactly 1 year. 

Learned a bit today about breast feeding and foods to avoid. I have a couple pregnancy apps that will come in handy for sure. Lunch with Lesley was super fun. A conversation that's been a long time coming. What fun. Our babies will be about 4 months a part. Sweetness. 

Going to try to write a little something every day if I can. 

My RE is a super star.

Just stumbled upon this amazing stat online... Dr. Loy is ranked #10 nationally by US news and world report for gynecology. That makes me feel pretty freaking safe. Wowsers. 
Nothing to report yet. I've just been dreaming and staying at rest since the transfer. I'm enjoying it for the most part. It's going by so fast. I kinda that pictured 5 days off would go by at a snails pace since I have had no plans but to veg but its going by quickly. 
I think I've googled everything possible about embryo transfers, blastocyst stages, implantation, anatomy of the blastocyst, what happens daily, and anything else google suggests I search for in the world of reproductive endocrinology. 
I can probably take a home pregnancy test next Wednesday or Thursday. HCG levels should be high enough to show up on a pee stick. As per usual I shudder at the thought of home pregnancy tests but I don't know if I can handle the epic ness of driving to Orlando, getting blood drawn then waiting hours for a phone call at work. Just thinking about it raises my blood pressure. I don't like either option but I'm leaning towards knowing before the blood test and letting the blood test confirm. 
We shall see. 

Post transfer update!

Transfer went perfectly. They thawed two embryos since we have a surplus just in case one didn't survive the thawing process. The dr said we had the option of putting both back in but it increases the odds of twins too much for chad and I to be comfortable with given my small uterus. His advice was to go for one. At first I was torn to be honest. I thought they would have to throw the 2nd one out if we chose to go w/just one but thankfully they can re-freeze them. Don't know how much that'll cost me but I want every embryo to have a full chance at life if I can help it. 

We put back the one which the doctor said was of excellent quality. He gave us science specifics about the "grade" but it didn't make any sense to me and I can't relay it anyhoo. Odds are in our favor for that little sucker to implant. The "shell" looked like he wanted it to. 

The sonogram pic has a bright flash in the lower mid left quadrant. That's the moment the embryo was placed in my uterus. The crazy looking mass of cells is the embryo. Evidently the uglier they look the better they are. 

Feeling great (I'm high on Valium). Ready for the next 5 days of stillness and dreaming. 

In less that 10 hours we do the transfer.

So it's 1:49am on the day of the transfer. I clearly am too excited to be sleeping. I'm so excited. Like when I'm 5 and christmas is only hours away (back when christmas felt like it took forever to role around). I'm nervous and cautious but freakin elated that we get this chance. I'm thankful. So many have taken our fertility on as their burden. I get texts and emails just to encourage me. I have so needed these deep seeded friendships that not only allow me a forum to vent about fertility but also allow me to share in the goings on of so many others. It has brought some friendships to a higher level. I'm so grateful for some of these special infertility side effects. 

Speaking of side effects. I am so uncomfortable. My body is aching from all the meds. My back legs and even my hands are sore. It's wild. I'll take it. I'll take the headache I've had for God knows how many weeks now. It's all worth it just to know that we did everything we could to get to this kid. In my heart when I'm walking or sitting at my dock on the lake I hear "come get me!". We are on our way baby. Woweeee. 

Will update after I come out of my Valium daze tomorrow. 

We have a transfer date! Weeeee

Transfer is scheduled for 7/16! Woo hoo! Last lupron injection is tomorrow morning (thank God!). I'll stay on estrace through the 1st trimester. We'll start the progesterone in oil booty shots tomorrow. Start keflex (for 5 days) and medrol 16mg (for 4 days) on 7/14. So stoked. 

Dr Loy did the ultrasound and said my lining was an A++. They are looking for it to be at 7mm and mine was 9.9 which is basically a centimeter! The nurse said she hasn't seen a lining that good in a long time. Good news for sure. I'm so freaking tired but very happy the appointment went so well. 

Getting warmer

Had to double the estrace two days ago and boy howdy does it make me feel terrible. I've had a constant headache. It'll be worth it in the end so we soldier on. I just feel like my poor endurance levels are waning and I can start to feel my emotions waxing. On Friday I have to quadruple the dose of estrace so I've resigned myself to the thought that I might be very wacky until this med protocol is over. Ironic part? I have to take estrace until week 12 of the pregnancy! Oh lawd! I will walk through fire to fight for my children before and after they arrive. 

It's looking like (as best I can tell) we should be doing the transfer by the end of next week or beginning of the following week. 

My next visit is considered pre-op. I'll get some prescriptions and the Dr will do the ultrasound scan to confirm that my lining is ready. My visit Tuesday went perfectly. Thank God! I knew before I went it that it would. If its taking a toll on my emotions and giving me a wicked headache I imagine its doing a beautiful job on my lining. Sure enough that lining was nice and thick after only a week! 

I think in part I know this cycle (which has kinda lasted since April) of injections at 6am every morning for weeks on end plus working the midnight schedule (to decrease the amount of time I have to take off of work) is coming to an end. It's like I feel like I can relax a little now. That relieving feeling though comes with an extra side of emotions that I just wasn't ready for. I've been visiting my dock almost every day to watch the birds and the lake do their thing. It's calming. It's spiritual. It's exactly what I need. 

Just take it a day at a time. I will report back on Tuesday after pre-op to update on how my system is taking the quadruple dose and what we'll be doing next. 

Up all night.

Birds are waking up. I've been up all night long. Thinking about everything. This morning I have an appointment. Same song but I'm confident in a different verse as I have had my period and the lining should be thin as a Barbie doll. They'll also check my estrogen level and barring any wild setback there we should get the go ahead to start the next phase! Ill try to update once I get news this afternoon. 

Man oh man did I just lay awake all night! Thinking about getting the call from the dr saying "you're pregnant!" I envision this for some reason happening while I'm at work and me running over to the empty area overlooking the retention pond where my geico turtles swim and me just crumbling to the floor. I then picture me scrambling to compose myself so I can call chad to tell him before all of the geico sales team thinks I've had a nervous breakdown! One moment it just turned 6am I need to take my lupron injection.... Okay I'm back. So my mind was very much ahead of the game all night. I was at the anticipated phone call to tell me I'm pregnant. I was at the hospital waiting for chad to come out of surgery... I haven't written about his heart yet. Guess I've been saving it but we have found out as of the last 4-6 weeks that chad has Wollf Parkinson White syndrome which is a congenital heart defect that causes arrhythmia due to an extra electrical accessory (pathway). The symptoms are all over the place but we discovered chads because one night he just fainted out of the blue. No over excursion or lack of sustenance , he just fainted. He went in to see the doctor and they did an EKG which showed extra peaks (which is the most common way to diagnose the WPW) and the next day we were meeting a cardiologist going over what to do next. He has since had a treadmill stress test (which he passed, they were unable to cause the heart to flip out which was good but also a little frustrating b/c that means it can just happen without warning) and last week he had an echocardiogram which he also passed. The doctor is suggesting that he move forward with having an ablation (burning out the extra accessory) to prevent further issues and improve his quality of life. In retrospect he can see multiple times over the years where something was physically holding him back and he never complained enough to get the attention he needed. This syndrome can also have a big impact in the realm of stress and anxiety. Pills don't take the anxiety away for WPW patients and it can also create psychological depression because it  untreatable type of anxiety (catch 22 much?). So though it sucks that chad has had some sour news it is good that its not life threatening whether he chooses to do the surgery or not. I just want him to be able to live without worry and I know that this discovery may dampen things for him. The surgery is super common (they do at least one a day). It's not open heart, they go in through the artery in the leg that I'd be able to name if I wasn't up all night (sheesh! What the heck?!). There is a chance that it works and he never has to deal with it again. There is also a chance that the accessory repairs itself and he has to have the surgery again. We meet with a heart surgeon soon to go over their opinions. 

So there's that. My mind was thinking about being pregnant waiting in a hospital room watching him sleep. I know he will be fine. I have no doubt that all will be well. 

We are planning to visit west palm in a few weeks. It'll be right after the embryo transfer. I think it'll be nice to take a little trip and unwind at the waters I clung to 10 years ago. I have many bipolar memories there. That was a hot or cold time in my life. There was not much gray. Lord have mercy do I cling to the gray now. 

I've been thinking so much about where this blog started and how it has evolved. It has blossomed along side me as I've let go of the crippling fear that organized religion put on me. I knew all the things to say and was scared to even think something else. Oh the guilt that bands people together. I'm so free in my spirituality now that I look back at some of those first few entries and I can see exact sentences where I knew I was full of it but thought one day I'm going to grow into this. One day saying these things are going to feel genuine. I no longer have the worry about the one size fits all faith. I can't do it and it can't do me! Infertility has taken me to the highest highs and lowest lows of my relationship with my Creator and I wouldn't change it for the world. I believe in a narrow path. It's so narrow in my perception that we each have our own. I have found true freedom or salvation in the process of learning. It isn't the end it is the means that are so important in knowing God and in turn really finding my own spirit. I've been wanting to write about it and still it's hard to articulate but I feel like after so many years of doubt I have found a foothold in letting the rules of my childhood go indefinitely. They are so deeply ingrained (good job conservative Christians) that stepping away initially feels like you are touching the hot stove you were told not too. The more and more I allow myself to question (which by the way God is totally not scared of in the least) the more I find that I don't need the training wheels to legitimize my relationship with God. Where I stand in my search for God has truly become authentic and I pray that it continues to stay open and always searching. 

That's all for now. Next post will be all about IVF I promise. 

Rollin' on

Smoother waters ahead? For me? Ill take it!

So after 5 days of begging my body to have a period nothing happened. I got all mad at myself for stressing out over something I literally couldn't control. I started spotting about 3 hours after the appt yesterday. Thankfully the dr was graceful and put me on another week of the current doseage of lupron and and ill go in next Tuesday 6/25 for my 1st lining check where I won't have a thick lining! Weeeeeee! My estrogen levels should be nice and low and clearly since I've started my period (which is quite a flow)  my lining will be nice and tiny. Then we clearly move to the next phase which is to lower the lupron (10 units) + estrace 1mg twice/day. Very excited about next Tuesday. My heart is racing as I type. I can't believe we are finally getting close to the transfer. The last 2 months since the egg retrieval and fertilization period have felt like spinning wheels deep into the mud (or thickened lining and ovarian cyst forest if you want a literal metaphor). Somehow we've dug out of the muck and now we are rolling rolling rolling. 

Nerves

I should probably look at the last entry before writing this up but I don't feel like it and I'm pressed for time. First off thank you to everyone that is so interested and concerned and rooting for the ivf to work! So much support is fantastic. 

I'm writing in a very weary mood which I'm not sure is best but I figure it has its place so I'm acknowledging it today. I had a visit last Thursday. Good and mediocre. My lining was too thick but the 3 cysts were completely gone. I was so relieved about the cysts. So happy that my body was listening to me. I've been visiting the water every day to throw my stress in and breath back calm and peace. A dear friend with whom I don't think I could possibly respect more suggested that I visit the water and tell those cysts they were acknowledged and now they had no place in my life. It was one of those moments that I realized I always run to the water. Since I was able to drive I have gone to the water and gotten lost in the current. It was the perfect advice and now no more cysts. Unfortunately i can't move to the next phase til I shed that damn lining. I've been feeling like I'd start my period since Thursday afternoon but nothing yet and I have a repeat visit Tuesday morning. It's stressing me out. It's like the same scenario as last time except they gave me a week not 5 days! I'm pleading with my body, bargaining w/God trying everything to start and nothing. It has to come tomorrow. If it doesn't I fear that we'll have to start over a 3rd frozen transfer cycle. Thinking about it makes me feel very tired. Hoping for a flow. 

Holding pattern... Delay delay delay.

I am weary. 

Days and days of feeling very low. I've been keeping busy. We had a busy weekend with many that we love. Those moments were nice and I was distracted but then when all is quiet I am immediately low and weary. 3 weeks of waking up 3-4 hours after I've gone to bed to take the lupron shots. It's not like waking up to pee then going back to sleep. When you have to prepare and inject a shot you have no choice but to be fully awake. One doesn't go back to sleep immediately and unfortunately 3 weeks later I'm still struggling. 

Right now I'm in the parking lot of the clinic. I'm early so I thought I'd catch the blog up a hair. We are in a holding pattern. I'm doing a repeat visit of last week. 

Last week not only did I have two large ovarian cysts (common after stims) but my lining was super thick. The goal was that the lupron would prevent follicle growth and lining growth. So it wasn't/isn't doing its job. Off we went last Monday to st Augustine to celebrate our 7th anniversary. It was a wonderful and very last minute reprieve. They called and said we can't move forward on the protocol sheet til I have a period. Lining needs to go! So today I'm getting it checked again but I haven't started. Sooooo frustrating. I felt like I was about to get it all week and nothing. I'll probably start on my drive home. I'm praying they give me another week to start so we can move forward but I also worry that they'll have me quit the shots and start the whole frozen cycle over. 

I'm weary. I feel like we are never going to get there. I know it's silly to say that but it is how I feel so its legitimate. And yesterday was Mother's Day. Even after we have a baby I think ill always hate Mother's Day. Ugh.

Post visit at home now about to go to work. Not good.... 3 cysts twice as big as last week. They are around 44mm which is like the size of an orange. Really need to get my period as that will hopefully cause them to re absorb. Not guaranteed but odds are that they will go away with the flow. I for the the last few days have been soaking my feet in hot water, drinking tons of vitamin C and I just made parsley tea (so weird). These are 3 home remedies to bring on a late period. Hopefully today... They'll call this afternoon to give me instructions on what I do next. Ill update when I know. Praying they don't rupture. This isn't life threatening it just could be really painful should one pop. Eek. 

Setting records and taking names...

Nurse Marty says they haven't seem numbers like ours in years! 

Feeling excited! Hooray!! Feeling much better now that we are super informed. 

So the protocol is extensive. To say the least! The transfer will be in about 4 weeks. After I take crap tons of shots and pills and shots and pills. Holy mackerel! 

- I'll start taking Lupron subcutaneous (20 units) on (4/26) which is day 21. 

- 5/6 (anniversary #7) we visit the Dr for bloodwork and lining measurement (at this point both the lining,  hcg and estrogen levels need to be very low)

- (5/7) After that should everything be a-ok we'll start taking lupron (10 units and estrace (1mg)

- (5/12) increase estrace to 20mg

- (5/13) bloodwork/lining check

- (5/16) increase estrace to 40mg

- tentative (5/20) pre op w/dr to check lining and estrogen

The rest is all based on that appt. if it looks good then I'll start intramuscular progesterone oil injections until Transfer day (end of May).  Then we start Crinone (vaginal suppository of progesterone). 

Once I get a positive pregnancy test we keep doing estrace and progesterone until week 10. 

Clear as mud? Ok good :)

Moody blues

I'm a little disheartened today. Can't shake it though I've only been awake for an hour.  It makes me angry that its so easy for others and my journey has been such a hardship. I hate infertility. Today is just a reminder of how hard the last almost 5 years has been. Today hurts my feelings all over again. Hoping I can shake  it off as today is also potentially day 9-10 of our pregnancy. Though the embryo is not inside of me it will be soon. I need to stay at peace with our journey and not focus on how others have it so easy. Easy is probably not the best term to use but I'm being immature at the moment and just feel like bitching. Whoa is me. 

When I get this sort of down I usually dust off my bible app and see where it lands (a modern day close your eyes and flip to a random page and take whatever you read as a direct sign from God... We've all done it). It landed on Hebrews 12:1-3 and was surprisingly perfect for my defeated mood. Glad it didn't land me in the "begats", that would have been a bad joke! 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)"

It's Emma's birthday!

It's my niece Emma's birthday. She's 7! This kid has been praying for us to have a baby since she learned how to talk. She has been at times prophetic in her discussions w/me about the baby in my belly. I'm sure a lot of it is confusing as she doesn't know where they come from and most likely doesn't know any other people like me that want a baby and didn't just "get one". We just chatted for a minute so I could wish her a happy bday and she told me about her day thus far and her plans for the rest. 

She then changed the subject and asked it I'd taken a test to see if I had a baby in my belly. I said no but I probably will in a few weeks. She said matter o factly, "Well if it says complete then you are going to have a baby". 

Complete. 

Yes we are almost at complete. Then things will really get interesting right?!?!

My next appointment is a nurse consult on 4/18 to go over consent forms, meds, and protocol. More when I know more! We found out yesterday morning that 21 made it to blast. That's a 66% success rate when the norm is 30%. We are truly excited about the future. I get to eat normally again (stoked to get to gain that 10 pounds back) and I get to moderately exercise!! Hooray for today. Hooray for Emma! 

Donation Doubt and Diet

http://www.embryoadoption.org/faqs/donors.cfm

The above website is what I'm focusing my mind on right now. Giving. 

Giving. 

Giving. 

I battled some high anxiety moments yesterday. I was pretty mad at myself for not being able to calm down (worrying about things I have zero control over) so I started researching donation. This website is extensive to say the least. The FAQ tab is amazing. Answering questions I didn't even know were questions! CRM (our clinic) is on the list of clinics that assist with donation so that seemed like a good sign. From what I read most embryo adoptions are open but they are as open as we choose for it to be. I honestly don't know if we'd want to be all that connected to the adopting family until ours and their kid/kids are old enough to understand the donation fully. We have been given this incredible opportunity not only to pursue having our own children (as many as we want it seems) but to also help make another couples desire come to fruition. My cup is spilling over with the thoughts that we'll have a surplus of blastocysts. 

Bringing me to my anxiety issue from yesterday. I somehow missed the call from Wendy and she left a confusing message. She said there were still 32. Honestly that doesn't make any sense. No, I'm not being pessimistic I'm using the numbers. About 30% of fertilized eggs make it to blast. On day 5 we should have 9-11 (which is still insanely high for any ivf result). So I'm just antsy wanting to know from the embryologist how many blasts we have. My thought is that Wendy was just reading to me how many fertilized since the 32 were all still dividing by day 3. My assumption is that my report hadn't been updated  yet when she called yesterday. That makes sense though b/c they don't call on day 4 I called on day 4 (wish I hadn't). I can clearly blame this mess on myself for trying to get updates too early. Wendy even told me to call back Monday for the final number but I called again this morning. The embryologist was gone already so again they say call back Monday. 

Why so anxious? I haven't felt like that since the morning of retrieval and then I had good reason to be nervous. Yesterday I just let my mind wander to all the bad thoughts. 

What if they all quit dividing?

What if they forgot about us?

What if they froze them too early?

Why would I worry about any of this stuff? None of it is in my control. I can't get answers early on something that takes time to develop. And yet I sit here freaking out that something has gone wrong. Even if it has/had what can I do about it? Nothing. We want this to work so badly and good God we have come so far. We can finally see the finish line but everything must go exactly to plan. My expectation was to know today (day 5) how many blasts we had. I guess since we aren't doing the fresh transfer their protocol has nothing to do w/me since I don't play another part until Act 2 "the frozen transfer" (that's what we'll call it). We already know to have zero expectations and since ivf came into our lives each step had exceeded everyone's expectations so I think I have been spoiled. Monday we'll know. Don't you know ill be ringing that phone up at 8am!

Feels better just writing about it. 

Side note: this diet to prevent oss has me down 10 pounds. Lost 2 more since yesterday. Most girls would be thrilled but I'm little already and use to exercising and eating whatever I want to stay fit and strong. I haven't been allowed to exercise or eat carbs for over 2 weeks and I'm noticeably weaker and wasting away! Luckily I get to ask Monday as well if I can get off the damn diet and get back to light exercise. There are boxes of Mac and cheese w/my name all over them waiting!!