training wheels

i am nervous to start this. i have thought that writing would be cathartic and it has proved to both inspire and frustrate me. i guess to begin first off, i love God. if it weren't for God being gracious enough to give me this unquenchable desire perhaps i wouldn't be as close to him now. i grit my teeth when i type that because the "desire" i strongly believe was not only biologically given to me but spiritually as well and oh how i've prayed for God to take the desire away. i want to go back to when i was 25 and could have cared less about when we would start our family. i want to be able to fully enjoy all the blessings God has put in my life without this constant detraction. To my prayer of asking God to "take it away" he has answered a resounding "NO". i smile at that because deep down i really don't want the desire to go away. I am at a place now years later (about to turn 30) with no children and i wouldn't trade this valley for the world because of where its brought me. i am in awe of God. i have been broken and poured out and learned that this process may be long and may seem so repetitive but He won't let anything happen to us that we can't handle with His strength in us.

i decided to try to read thru the Bible back in december b/c i was feeling so dry and frustrated. the need to do so had been weighing heavily for some time and i have neglected reading the Bible for a long time. as i have tried to give the fertility issue to God and relieve myself of feeling like i have any control it has been impossible until i started to read. we already know God is in control of it all anyhoo so its not really me handing the reigns over its more like me accepting that God already has them. rinse and repeat... letting control go is a discipline not a decision for me. it may be tough forever. but with God nothing is impossible. these verses are really helping me praise and thank God.

matthew 7

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

isaiah 61:7⁷ Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

psalm 94: 18-19 ¹⁸ When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, LORD, supported me.
¹⁹ When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.

isaiah 40 , ¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

psalm 113:9
⁹ He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.

ps 21:2 ² You have granted him his heart’s desire
and have not withheld the request of his lips.^a]">[a]

^{a]">ps 38: 9-10} ⁹ All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
¹⁰ My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

proverbs 30:15-16

¹⁵ “The leech has two daughters.
‘Give! Give!’ they cry.

“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
¹⁶ the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

i especially like the last one.. its like it validates the craziness b/c you can't quench the desire and God knows that!

also read about the barren women, abrahams sarah (issac), isaccs rebecka (esau and jacob) jacobs rachel ( joshua and benjamin). hannah (samuel). the woman who elisha met and said by this time next year you will hold your child in your arms... and then elizabeth's john the baptist... such greatness came from the barren womb. so i know we are being prepared now for greatness!

I've often said that i can't wait to be able to help others struggling with infertility once we have children. no one understands it but women that have to endure it. my fanfreakintastic husband Chad said to me that i am doing that now and am most likely best suited for it while i'm still dealing with it. that makes so much sense to because i seem to be surrounded by dear friends going through the same thing. once we have children all this time we've waited won't really seem so horrible because they will be worth all the wait.

our game plan at this time:

for a long long time i was absolutely opposed to consulting a physician about it. i got into a defiance mode. i wasn't really worried about meds or having a litter i was concerned that i would get overwhelmed with the "control" i might be taking from God (sounds funny right? me taking something from God like i have any power!). i was determined for God to just do it. literally its like i was looking to the heavens saying "God you will do this and then they will all see that my faith was strong and i don't need help!". sounds ridiculous but my attitude just grew more and more sour and i was demanding my miracle because i didn't want to "lose".
i was venting to a friend from work one afternoon via text and she texted back to me "jess i think this is God's way of telling you that you need to see a doctor." at that moment it all changed and i no longer felt that strong resistance with getting checked out. i called an old high school friend who i'd heard had gone through infertility and came out on the other side w/2 beautiful children with the help of doctors and treatments. her wise counsel and advised really helped me see that doctors are a gift and these treatments and a gift. she told me what obgyn to use if she had it to do over again and what clinic she'd recommend. oddly enough 2 days prior i had made an appt at that clinic with that doctor **doors swinging open wide** insert goosebumps__:).
we've been checked and Lord have mercy did they do a thorough check on us. happily the doctor said he can find no reason that we aren't pregnant yet. honestly that frustrated the hell out of me at first but someone later said "well that just shows you God's got it and its just not yet time."
we are doing clomid cycles now. taking it easy with the approach to treatment. i don't want to get to aggressive not only because of the money involved but because i want to make sure that we give each cycle full attention. stats say that 50% get preg. w/in 6 months of clomid treatments so thats our plan at this point. Chad feels confident that the meds will work and loves that my cycles are regular now that i've been on it a few months. the first cycle the doc also suggested we do the IUI procedure. after much discussion we felt like we'd wait on the IUI's until january. well the new year came and went and we still don't feel comfortable with the idea and when and if we do we'll cross that bridge then. i don't want to get so distracted by our desire to have a baby that i end up going into debt over it. that seems counterproductive to us right now. welcome to the family baby kostella now go get a job!
i've got a peace right now about the next cycle. i feel like this journey is wrapping itself up and we are getting so close to becoming parents. i want to share my hope with you. i can't imagine going through all this crap without my relationship with God and with Chad.

what i ask of our friends and family:
doubt creeps in so easily and i ask that if you pray for us pray believing without hesitation in our miracle! God will provide that has been made clear and so now we wait upon the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart! sometimes i will talk about what's happening to you and lots of times all i get back are opinions when all i need is an ear to listen. honestly i'll ask for an opinion if i want one so please don't offer it especially if its about what you think we should be doing in reference to physicians and treatments. trust that we are not stupid and its so insulting to have people we love question our choice to not be more aggressive with treatment. hopefully this will grow all of our faiths and help us to remember that God is big and the outcome for all of this will be beautiful.

so here's the big question... do i post this to facebook or just let it be a venting blog meant for only me. hmmm.