i was reading a blog today of a new friend who i have connected to through First Pres and through infertility. she has gone through the mill of infertility woes and i respect her calm and perseverance a lot. one of her post she was clearly not in the best mood which is of course in a way is comforting. just because we may have been given a peace about the unfulfilled desire doesn't mean there aren't crappy days. i'll be the first to admit i have had some of the worst lows i've ever experienced in dealing with this desire for chad and i to be parents. i look at him and it breaks my heart that he doesn't get to be a dad yet. he will be amazing. he is so kind and patient. he is so open to people of every walk of life no matter their differences. he possesses a quiet confidence and yet isn't cocky. he's intensely creative and puts his everything into the things he loves. i can't wait to see that correlate to parenting. i can't wait to parent with him. i think of our parents and how much it hurts them to see us be sad about the infertility and how fervently they pray for God's timing to be yesterday.
chad and i were driving somewhere the other day and i was kinda having a revelation about "us" when we become 3 or 4. being that we are creatures that learn from experience and by watching others i obviously pay close attention to the parenting practices of others. i do my best not to judge (cuz who am i to say its being done right or wrong i have no basis to argue) however it has come to my attention that there is a huge possibility that baby K takes the drivers seat when they get here. not only because we've wanted them for so long but it just seems to be common for a lot of parents to kinda put the marriage on a back burner and just do baby. i would be devastated if our priorities go outta wack. as long as we keep each other number 1 baby k should be as well balanced as we could hope for. i kinda think of it this way. i got to pick chad and he got to pick me. we wouldn't have chosen any one else. we don't get to chose who this child will be and if you know us and our families well enough you know there is a plethora of possibilities (we might be giving birth to a perfect stranger!). that being said i know it will be work but we have made that promise to each other to not lose sight of the gift of our marriage and our deep connection. i like this lesson. i don't know that we'd have learned it with out the wait.
anyways back to my original thought. sometimes its hard to rejoice with those who are rejoicing no matter what the topic. i used to have such a hard time when i'd hear of a new expecting moms. i felt sorry for myself. it was literally like every day that i checked my facebook someone else was pregnant and i still wasn't. it became kind of a joke. i was never mad at them or resentful towards them just really mad at God. why not me? why not me? what about me? can you hear me? i have fleeting moments of that still i don't think it completely goes away, but i fell as if i've matured a lot through the experience and i don't take it personally anymore. i had to wake up and just realize that it is just as easy as it is hard to get pregnant and God hasn't forgotten me. i really try to see others pregnancies as just as much a gift and it means that heaven isn't running out of babies!
i did a study on stress about a week ago because i feel physically tight and those of you that know i have had a chronic shoulder pain most of the time for the last 8 years or so, know it can really knock me down. ive seen many doctors and recieved a bunch of diagnosis's like pinched nerve, pluracy, and fibromialgia (sp?) and i always get sent home with steroids and vicatin (hooray vicatin). i have hated that its medicated and not fixed but they say they can't do anything. i've had deep tissue massages the works but no relief. so back to my study on stress. i read that good vitamins to take are b-complex (which i already take for fertility) d and a. they are good for reducing stress somehow so i learned that we may take these things but they may not be working. things that inhibit these vitamins from absorbing are caffeine (uh oh) alcohol cigarettes and diet drinks (double uh oh). also not getting enough exercise. i was walking the lake 3 times a week but i have learned its really best to have at least 45 minutes of exercise a day. now i was in a pickle. i hate walking at night and i hate waking up early. something's gotta give. so for almost a week now Jess yates Kostella has been waking up early with the birds and walking around the lake before the sun even comes up! i cut caffeine about 2 weeks ago i have already lowered the amount of drinking i do just cuz i hate how it makes me feel the next day but just to be disciplined i've given myself a 4 drink per week limit. when and if i do partake it'll be guiness (cuz its chock full of vitamins, prego's in the uk drink it for the vitamins!) or wine (but i really don't have a refined enough palate to enjoy wine without gingerale in it and that's a little too poke county!). of course i quit smoking long ago and thank God it is no longer a struggle to abstain from. i'm actually quite put off by them now which is truly a miracle. i used to even smoke in my dreams i enjoyed it so much! so.... the million dollar question is have my newer healthier habits paid off? i realize its still quite early but on day three chad looked at me and he said he hadn't seen me this happy in months! crazy what a change up can do but i'm on board and i plan on staying disciplined. i feel like a million bucks. minus the bum shoulder its still broken but i feel so renewed. hopefully my shoulder will notice how much fun the rest of my body is having and join the party. you never know!
Things are happening. things are moving and shaking and i feel really pumped about today. i'm not gonna miss out on it just because i want a baby. that baby will be here no sooner and no later than they are supposed to so i am determined to praise the Lord and be thankful and in awe of all that i have.
hooray.
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