The above website is what I'm focusing my mind on right now. Giving.
Giving.
Giving.
I battled some high anxiety moments yesterday. I was pretty mad at myself for not being able to calm down (worrying about things I have zero control over) so I started researching donation. This website is extensive to say the least. The FAQ tab is amazing. Answering questions I didn't even know were questions! CRM (our clinic) is on the list of clinics that assist with donation so that seemed like a good sign. From what I read most embryo adoptions are open but they are as open as we choose for it to be. I honestly don't know if we'd want to be all that connected to the adopting family until ours and their kid/kids are old enough to understand the donation fully. We have been given this incredible opportunity not only to pursue having our own children (as many as we want it seems) but to also help make another couples desire come to fruition. My cup is spilling over with the thoughts that we'll have a surplus of blastocysts.
Bringing me to my anxiety issue from yesterday. I somehow missed the call from Wendy and she left a confusing message. She said there were still 32. Honestly that doesn't make any sense. No, I'm not being pessimistic I'm using the numbers. About 30% of fertilized eggs make it to blast. On day 5 we should have 9-11 (which is still insanely high for any ivf result). So I'm just antsy wanting to know from the embryologist how many blasts we have. My thought is that Wendy was just reading to me how many fertilized since the 32 were all still dividing by day 3. My assumption is that my report hadn't been updated yet when she called yesterday. That makes sense though b/c they don't call on day 4 I called on day 4 (wish I hadn't). I can clearly blame this mess on myself for trying to get updates too early. Wendy even told me to call back Monday for the final number but I called again this morning. The embryologist was gone already so again they say call back Monday.
Why so anxious? I haven't felt like that since the morning of retrieval and then I had good reason to be nervous. Yesterday I just let my mind wander to all the bad thoughts.
What if they all quit dividing?
What if they forgot about us?
What if they froze them too early?
Why would I worry about any of this stuff? None of it is in my control. I can't get answers early on something that takes time to develop. And yet I sit here freaking out that something has gone wrong. Even if it has/had what can I do about it? Nothing. We want this to work so badly and good God we have come so far. We can finally see the finish line but everything must go exactly to plan. My expectation was to know today (day 5) how many blasts we had. I guess since we aren't doing the fresh transfer their protocol has nothing to do w/me since I don't play another part until Act 2 "the frozen transfer" (that's what we'll call it). We already know to have zero expectations and since ivf came into our lives each step had exceeded everyone's expectations so I think I have been spoiled. Monday we'll know. Don't you know ill be ringing that phone up at 8am!
Feels better just writing about it.
Side note: this diet to prevent oss has me down 10 pounds. Lost 2 more since yesterday. Most girls would be thrilled but I'm little already and use to exercising and eating whatever I want to stay fit and strong. I haven't been allowed to exercise or eat carbs for over 2 weeks and I'm noticeably weaker and wasting away! Luckily I get to ask Monday as well if I can get off the damn diet and get back to light exercise. There are boxes of Mac and cheese w/my name all over them waiting!!
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