Finally a fork in the road. A very expensive fork...

This is a compilation of notes and emails I've sent since our consult on 1/9/13. Some of it will look familiar if you have recieved an update from me. I figured it seemed pretty "bloggy" so might as well put it on the interweb :). It's a novel but i should catch us up a bit so here ya go...

So we have new info. I've no idea how to feel about it but here is what we learned at the docs today...

Consult w/dr went unexpectedly.
Ivf or adoption are now our only options. Dr feels as if its unethical and potentially pointless to try injectables.
Unethical because of the multiples risk. He is positive that due to my small uterus I can not carry multiples and furthermore we may have to terminate the pregnancy because of uterine rupture (potentially fatal for mom).
Pointless because after my exposure to clomid and letrozole I "should have gotten pregnant"... "It should have worked". He feels as though because we are both perfectly fertile on paper that the problem isn't the meds or even us indiviusally... it may be a disconnect on the cellular level between my eggs and chads sperm. He explained it metaphorically like the egg as a lock and the sperm has a key. In rare cases the sperm can just bounce off and not have any chance to penetrate the egg if the "key doesn't fit the lock". The only way to tell is by ivf.
They will then have the opportunity to not only bypass this issue by penetrating the egg w/a needle and injecting the sperm into it. they will also in a sense do an experiment putting  about 50k sperm and an egg in a separate petri dish and watch them under a microscope to see if in fact they are or aren't penetrating the egg. The resulting embryos from both will be set aside to grow. They'll then judge them all for quality and put only the one best back in. Ivf assures one baby. So does adoption. Then next step is to attend a seminar next month held by the fertility clinic. Chad immediately said "we're doing it." I told the doctor we had a lot to think about and we'll let them know. In some ways I feel relieved. I was very scared of injectables b/c of the multiples risk so I'm glad the doctor felt the same way but I was not expecting him to say we had no other option. Lots to think about.
Head and heart feel oddly quiet and undisturbed. Relieved to know that all this time and effort we know that it wasn't anything we did right or wrong. strange to think that it just was never going to happen without good doctors. No amount of "just stop worrying about it and it'll happen on its own" could've helped.

So there's that.

No tears. We aren't sad we are just now putting our last 4 years of ?'s behind us. I feel liberated.  No more cycles. No more planned sex. Our sex life is cheering happily as we move on to new avenues.

i've not done a whole lot of research into ivf because we have been told from day one that it would never be necessary! isn't it ironic.... the more hours that pass the more comical it seems to have two perfectly capable people that because of some molecular snafu can't make a baby with each other w/o major scientific intervention. we thought even if we gave up on fertility treatments it was bound to happen but the doctor made it very clear that after almost 5 years of planned sex around ovulation plus multiple rounds of clomid (2 years ago... and the 4 rounds of letrozole with iui's plus all the months in between before and after at some point there should have been a positive test even if it resulted in miscarriage something else is going on. you can tell he's really interested to find out what that something is to which i really like about him. he likes a challenge and boy howdy have we given him the perfect storm.
its weird to think that we could be paired up w/any other random joe or julie off the street and we most likely would make babies the old fashioned way. oh biology you sneaky bitch.

its in these moments where i wonder if that is the balance of things. our marriage is too easy. our partnership has always felt like home since day one. maybe the infertility is a part of our lives keeps us grounded. trying to find some redeeming value.

i have done some shallow research into adoption. if you adopt through the state there are multiple tax breaks and usually depending on the age of the child plus any health or behavior concerns it can determine the cost of the adoption. if we adopt through the state then college is free for them if they go to state school (which is going to be there only choice anyways after chad and my experience w/private school $$). due to the shitty economy it doesn't take as long to get a kid. average wait times used to be about 2 years but now its much shorter. over seas adoptions can be extremely pricey and costly due to immigration. knowing myself and chady we'll adopt w/in the states but w/no preferred race in mind. i'd love to have a baby w/a fro 😊..

not spell checking. Good luck w/all that!