callous? maybe
guarded? yes. absolutely.
doubting? undoubtingly.
giving up? nope.
i've always said that i know it will happen. i can see it so clearly in my mind. do i believe in signs? .. boy howdy i want to but so many "signs" have broken my heart in the past.
... shooting star wishes on southbound planes...
why am i writing in this blog again? i don't know... but i've had the urge lately b/c so much has happened since the last post. God bless America so much has happened since my first post. i don't even need to re-read it i remember writing it in such a confident manor. i knew it was destined to help people with infertility by using the Bible and Reality. in my world they must mix or your just faking it. i'm not black and white and i grew up in a very black and white lifestyle. i grew up a wallflower and i remember feeling so very gray about so many matters that i was told just were the way they were because they'd always been that way. my brain doesn't accept that. my brain craves reason behind rules. i don't believe that we are given many absolutes and that frees me. it scares the hell out of most.
when it comes to fertility there is no rule book. there is no step by step manual that has been approved by God. there are a lot of opinions on fertility interventions, meds, treatments and preventions but no absolute. i love that. it not only makes for excellent conversation but it allows a person to stretch. i recently read the "pathway to prosperity" by paul ryan (shocking i know but believe it or not this independent voter thoroughly researches as many "sides" as she can). those of us that like all of our reproductive options that we have now should be shaken to the core when you get to that part of his platform.
when is life a life?
- in the old testament it was a sin for a man to "pull out" or masturbate because the semen was considered the baby and the woman was literally considered an incubator. she was thought to have no purpose in the conception process other than to "catch" the baby goo. gross i realize but you get the picture right? they thought flushing the semen was abortion. yes its laughable to you and i but in the old testament semen was a baby.
- now a days there is the argument that life begins the moment the sperm penetrates the egg. (so when the mother misscarries at 5 weeks could this be considered manslaughter?) no seriously.. its up for debate by many.
- some religious folk believe that life begins when the child draws its first breath.
- some believe that life begins when the baby has reached the stage of viability (when he/she can survive outside the womb).
based upon all this then one must throw it all into infertility. what if we do ivf?... most don't think about what happens after the successful pregnancy and birth. usually there are still embryos left over frozen and waiting. here comes some legal stuff. who gets the embryos if you get divorced? who gets the embryos if you and your spouse die?... most importantly... what the heck do you do with them if you don't want any more babies? is tossing them abortion? is leaving them frozen indefinitely abortion? do you donate?
you can't just throw a bible verse at these kinds of questions and leave it. the bible in some verses supports the "life begins with the first breath" idea... and if you like old testament levitical law then stop wearing jeans, grab a chik-fil-a sandwich and tell your husband that ivf is out b/c masturbation is a sin.
here's the thing. no matter what your heart tells you. there will be things that leave you feeling torn about the entire ordeal.
i know when we first decided to stop preventing babies (which contraceptives are also up for debate) i thought we'd never go down the path of fertility treatments. the hippie in me needed this to happen naturally. whelp... its over 4 years now and we don't need it to be sexy any more. wanting to be parents for chad and i isn't about how we conceive, its about getting the privilege to become a mother and father. the story of how our kid came to be will be told i'm sure a million times throughout their lives. they will know that they are sooooo wanted and were soooo loved before they came. they will know how special they are.
so whats happened since the last time i wrote....
i was low in my last few posts. very much tired of trying on our own. we didn't really trust our OB and i was leery about trying a new drug w/him so we just quit for a bit.
one day a girl from work out of the blue walked by my desk stopped and turned to me and said, "i think i'm gonna do ivf."......... i'm thinking okay.. why is she telling me this? we barely knew each other then and i've never mentioned anything to her about my infertility woes. i quickly replied, "wow thats great i know a few people who have had successful ivf i'll find out who they went to for you." after that i decided that her surprise visit to my desk was a nudge to get back on the horse and go see a specialist.
within 30 minutes i had an appt set up and we saw our new doctor about a month later. he's awesome. he's been doing making babies since 1982 and really likes the hard cases. we are a hard case because really there is nothing that's been keeping us from getting pregnant. he did find some endometriosis that was undiagnosed from my first fertility evaluation from lakeland obgyn and discovered that when they did all our testing that they never found my left ovary when they did the hsg and multiple sonograms of my lady parts. never found it and never mentioned it. at my first appointment w/dr. loy he found my left ovary, found endometriosis and scheduled a surgery that day. that appt was in july. i had surgery in august.
it was like every door was opening ... like swinging so wide open it was almost too positive.....
when we went back for the post-op it was a devastating visit. for me. not chad. not the doctor. just me. i was blindsided with bad news. it literally made me feel like we shouldn't pursue having our own baby anymore. i since feel differently but that was one of the worst days i can remember in a long long time.
here's the nutshell version. i have a small uterus. its about 80% the size its supposed to be. the condition is congenital (develops around week 6 gestation) and usually a woman ends up with half of everything in the lady parts area. half uterus, one tube, one ovary. thankfully i have 2 fully functioning ovaries and just a slightly smaller womb. dr. loy said ... "some women go full term and never know they had a unicornuate uterus, there is a higher risk of miscarriage during the 2nd trimester, some have to have c-sections b/c the baby can't turn."... all i heard out of that was "there is a higher risk of 2nd trimester miscarriage." my brain just went into overdrive... i'm trying to have a baby that i may not be able to keep safe inside me... how selfish is that?! why would i pursue something that may kill my kid!? oh my god once i get pregnant it only gets worse? then i really have to worry... oh sad me ...once we get past the 12th week we don't get to relax and enjoy?! why oh why?!!!
that was pretty much on repeat in my mind the entire ride home. i was also so worried about my mom. i've kept her in the know about all this and i knew that she would feel responsible. i dreaded telling her but knew i had to. it was such a hard conversation but she took it like a champ! maybe she boo hood later but she was a rock during my crying fest phone call. my mom was the pregnant lady that wouldn't take a tylenol when she was pregnant. she did everything she could to keep her body healthy and natural. its not anyones fault that my lady parts aren't huge :).
here's the thing. when we were doing clomid (in way too high dosages so says the good dr loy) we could have gotten pregnant w/multiples and the risk for miscarrying would have been even higher and we'd have never had the info to know why. though i'd have like to have gotten pregnant back then we may have been saved a lot of heartache. now we know that when i get pregnant (which should be no problem so sayeth the good dr loy) that i need to be careful ESPECIALLY when i start growing and showing.
my nutshell versions are so long... but theres A LOT to catch up on.
i'm taking a drug called letrozole which is like clomid BUT it is designed to mature just one follice and one gorgeous egg. huge difference and i don't want multiples. i've said it before and i'll say it again. we are not trying to catch up. the idea of catching up is ridiculous to me. we lead our own lives and are in a race with no one.
they check my follicle growth when i start my cycle and almost half way through. the day 11-13 visit the check the follicle growth and take blood to test for estrogen levels. the first cycle my estrogen was really low and we decided to cancel the trigger shot and iui. the doc said he didn't feel like it was promising enough to continue the cycle and i'm thankful they aren't just trying to get my money cuz we'd have forked it out.
cycle 2 we did the same thing... letrozole, 3 follicle scans and 2 estrogen levels later we got the ok from the doc to schedule the trigger shot (ovidrel, it tells the follicle to release the egg timing the ovulation) 36 hours after the shot we went in for insemination. i had all the hopes in the world that i would work. we're the couple that nothing works the first time and i thought maybe just maybe this would be it.... nope. i was sad but knew that part of these visits is allowing the doctor to get to know my cycle and tweak the drugs in whatever way he sees fit to maximize success. their goal is to do as little as possible for the best results. chad loves that. i just want to be a mommy :)
we are now about 7 days into cycle 3. today is my last day of the letrozole and i go in black friday morning for an ultra sound and bloodwork (hoping for a big fat follicle thats at least 18mm). i've been eating my vitamins and trying to incorporate foods that are higher in estrogen to help with my levels. it seemed to work last month so that's fun. this cycle they have prescribed progesterone for the end of the cycle (it helps prevent my period from coming to quickly, hence giving baby k more time to "stick"). i've taken it before and i hate it BUT i'm willing to take it w/twice the side effects if it works!
ending on an abrupt note. i gotta get ready for a twin baby shower :) hoping to get some good preggo vibes from the mommy to be.
as is the norm, i won't spell check til later or maybe not at all. god bless you if you make it through this whole entry. whew! i'm spent.
No comments:
Post a Comment