the dissapointment on his face.. double whammy

we thought this was the month. i was 3 days late. no spotting (i always spot for a few days before the tide rolls in), constipation, lumpy sore boobs. all symptoms pointing to.. holy crap we actually accomplished our goal... nope. i'm empty... empty.. empty. i realize its like the worst word but for me that's always the one that best describes the feeling of day one. i'm empty. i've been grasping at the last few days hoping and dreaming, guestimating my due date blah blah blah. i don't like to test cuz might as well hang on to positive feelings for another hour if i can. i of course every month swear that this next cycle i'm gonna grow up and just take a test when normal girls do and just find out. we'll see.
i had already started thinking of how we'd tell people. i was gonna tell chad on new years. when we kiss at midnight i was gonna tell him that he's gonna be a dad in 2012 and he'd flip out... i had thought about my mom's face when i told her, i'd thought about how i'd tell my infertile homies that i've gotten the privilege to befriend over the last few years... i pictured calling chad's dad and yelling out in unison "we're pregnant!", and how tickled to death chad's mom would be as well.
before i opened this page up i bought a new pack of 30 ovulation test strips for the monitor. p.s. i love the clearblue easy fertility monitor. its expensive and only took me 2 years to bite the bullet and get one but I LOVE IT. its not just tracking LH, before you ovulate your body releases more estrogen than normal and it tracks that elevation as well... so you go from one bar (like a cell phone signal, one bar is no good), then when it detects the estrogen you get 2 bars "high fertility" (start doing it if you aren't already in other words), then 3 bars means LH your gonna ovulate soon get to work son. big fan. huge fan. it relieves a lot of the stress around my worries of if i am gonna ovulate.. once i get the 2 bars i know my body is doing what it should and the 3 bars are only days away. if you are one of my fertility challenged friends, get it.
so yeah talk about a gamete of emotions today. woke up with more confidence than ever before that i was pregnant. i had no signs pointing to empty. i usually have at least one reason to think i'm not. not this time. had a normal day at work. walked. ate. went to shower and what the fu*?#@! there it is. booooooooo!!!
on the way home from work i was feeling relieved and thankful that the journey was wrapping up and i was getting released from the burden. i still feel that way cuz for the most part i don't worry about it like i used to. i'm not starving for a baby like i was a year or 2 ago. i'd really like to be a mom. i'd really like to not have to upset my husband month after month when i have to tell him that he's still not gonna be a dad yet. i know he hurts more for me than himself.
i've been changed by the experience. i sweat the small stuff less. i'm not looking to be in constant crisis just to have something to talk about. i'm just trying to live and enjoy what i do have. i'm not basking in thankfullness and awe like i'd like to be but i know that i'm lucky to be who i am. many go through life not enjoying who they get to be. thats something to be sad about. i am not a mom yet. i will be, that much i know. the time part is what keeps me growing and writing and trying to be helpful to others that are just hitting the iceberg.
this blog is all over.. i'm sitting in front of the tv rather than in the office in the quiet with my thoughts. i'm too absorbed in a tattoo show so i'm gonna wrap this up and escape into tv land for the night.
at the end of these things just know that we are ok. Chad and I will be parents one day. we all want what we want right now. it isn't about deserving or being entitled to anything. God doesn't discriminate when He/She's doling out little ones. God knows what we desire and thankfully i get to ask as much as I want and that's cool. God will never give up on me, and i will do my damnedest to never lose sight of the strengthened faith that the struggle with fertility has solidified in me. i'm better because of this. i refuse to let this turn me sideways. i refuse to be a burden on people or a whiner just because God isn't a genie granting my every wish. that's not how faith works. gotta go this show is getting good..... hmmm time for a new tattoo