who will she be once it happens?

i've been thinking A LOT lately about how things will be once baby K is here. i know the time is coming. i know that may sound nuts after how long we've waited but these fertility chapters are starting to transition. its been gradual but i see looking back so many rebuilds along the way. this lady has gone through much needed de and re construction.
i was talking with a newer friend about my worry that once i get pregnant and enter the world i have only dreamed about that i won't remember how i got there. i've seen so many girls who've gone through this throw away the experience with little thought once they get what they want. is that bad? no, they have a new experience to go through and new challenges and thrills that accompany parenthood. its just i don't want to take this journey for granted once i get pregnant. i don't want to forget how important this has been. infertility has changed my life. its broken me down to my absolute core and forced me to take hold of whats important. wanting to be a parent and not being able to do that is crushing and a takes a girl through so much self doubt, fear, anger, depression, lethargy, and uselessness. i know we are in 2011 but still our basic instincts tell us that one of our jobs is to bear children. when you get the need to do that and its not working you don't feel like much of a woman.
The "infertility pill" is a little tougher to swallow during the holidays. christmases keep rolling by and yet again we don't have that 1st sonogram picture tucked away in an envelope titled "to annie, love jess and chad" (annie is what my neice and nephew call my mom). i can't wait to tell my mom one day that we are pregnant. that day will be amazing. she hurts for me. she wants to empathize and be helpful so much that i feel like i have to protect her from my infertility. she's been put through so much bullshit in the last few years that i hate that she takes on my burden even if its only a little bit. but see, when i do get pregnant it'll be so encouraging for her. she will be able to yet again witness another miracle. God hasn't forgotten us, especially when we feel like there is no hope. i think i'm learning to not wait until i have lost all hope to turn to God. My faith that there is something greater at hand should always be my first resort. i'm getting there. boy howdy am i not even close but i'm working on it. the good thing about being human is that we are never quite finished. thank God for that!
as you know i walk the lake a bunch and the other day i was just gonna take it easy and skip walking. it was last saturday i think. i was just gonna watch my shows and be lazy (because i have no children this is still an option for me so eat your heart out mommies). well chad decided that saturday he was gonna find a way to get that damned flat screen up on the wall. since we painted and moved stuff around its just been in the middle of the tv room with wires galor (which drive us nuts). well of course me watching my shows was not gonna happen (because we agreed long ago having more than one tv would sabotage any chance of us hanging out in the same room) so i said screw it i'm gonna go walk. i felt like i needed to pay extra attention like i was going to learn or see something new when i was walking. bear in mind i've walked around lake hollingsworth a billion times... so to set the scene about a month ago a two fat stark white ducks (i call them a "duckle" because they are obviously romantically involved) moved into the lake on the east side where most of the mallards are. i noticed them because obviously they stick out like sore thumbs and don't fit in with the beautiful mallards that are half the size and the mallards are plenty in number (super fertile). the duckle are always together and i mean every day i walk there they are. they'd be hand in hand if they didn't have wings and they are always exclusively to themselves. now anyone who's looking for a sign of course sees this duckle and says, "thats me and chad. unique and special, set aside for a big purpose" (don't judge). anyhooo so last saturday i'm walking and looking for what compelled me to walk the lake and i came around the bend and was approaching the usual hang out spot and saw that my little friends were swimming with the mallards as one big happy family. here's my take home lesson. you ready for it?... my current worry is that ill forget this important time in my life when i get pregnant and have a baby. seeing all the ducks together swimming and just enjoying the lake gave me peace that though we will soon "join the crowd" we are all still unique because all the ducks have different purposes that serve the whole. many of our journeys won't take a lifetime to be completed, they will just be bridges that connect each dot to make up a beautiful picture. if we saw the picture before we started working on it the meaning is lost.