so maybe its just me but i find that i've found some sort of comfort toughness in saying things like "we've been trying for 3 years".. like the time frame makes us stronger in some way. and i won't lie the fertility trek has really refashioned me in ways i would've never believed it could. some things i'm sad about.. like the ablility to be buffaloed by myself.. its no secret but i guess i have over looked it for over 3 years. from age 20 up until about december 2010 i was extraordinarily unhealthy. i was a pack a day smoker for years. i could drink a 250 lb man under the table 5 nights a week, and we're not talking wine coolers. i preferred whiskey (((shakes head))). didn't exercise. didn't sleep enough. ate like a 13 year old boy (all things beige minus ketchup). as i've written about in the past i have changed a lot of habits in the last 6-9 months. before i'd just cut out alchohol for a few weeks hoping that change would help get me pregnant. when that didn't work i'd quit smoking for a few months and pick up the drinking again. when that didn't work i'd go on a diet to get some nutrients into my system. it was like i was half-assing my attempts. i thought honestly that once i was knocked up all those habits would have to change and i'd be forced to do it all. so yeah i can say all day that we've been "trying for 3 years" but i was not committing myself completely to the goal i had in mind.
now a days i walk that lake rain or shine 5-6 days a week. i do some minor weight training for my loaded baked potato biceps. thanks to my best mate chad i am eating so much better. quick rabbit trail on chad i really scored big with him. we all know that he's amazing in all ways brilliant, patient, kind, quietly strong (which is so attractive to me), and the man can cook. he didn't acquire his amazing cooking talents until after we got married and what an added bonus. he is such a jackpot!... ok back to my "transformation".. i haven't smoked since way last year and cut alcohol down to about 1-2 per month if that. .. what's funny about the drinking is that i completely cut it for about 3 months and then thought every now and then it'd be fine but every time i drink. and i mean every time, i get a massive headache and the experience is completely unenjoyable. my oh my how the tables have turned. chad thinks i'm allergic. that's fine by me its a great excuse not to partake.
i think i had so much trouble changing these habits and lifestyles in the past was because i wasn't really doing for me i was just trying to get a baby to stick. now i've been staying healthy and fit in mind and spirit for God, myself, my husband and its working! its not just a couple weeks and quit. its this is my life... i will be fit, i will eat right, i'll be healthy and not have an expiration date on that. i'm now stinking 30 and this is the best i've felt seriously since i was in high school. such huge payoffs for such obvious changes. i am so stoked about it that in the last few months since we've quit the fertility treatments its just been so much easier to deal with the negative pregnancy tests and "times of the months" because we are both so much more confident in my bodies ability to work. huge relief. i mean i have never been regular. doc's all say that's fine whatever.. since making these big lifestyle changes guess who's body is working pretty much like clockwork? thats right i am and i'm on no meds. hooray! i have so much more faith in my body and that correlates directly with giving all this to God. i was nervous to stop the meds. it was such a havoc in my head because i felt so led to try them. do i think doing the treatments was wrong now? no not at all. they were part of the plan with out a doubt. part of the molding and making to get me to see how simple it all really should be. do i think big news is coming soon. absolutely. the way is lit by One far greater than I and i finally feel like i'm making steps in the right direction to be used in our miracle.
sooo all that to say i'm putting a big chunk of the past behind me. sadness covered up by alcohol and cigarettes. time wasted not being active and taking care of my body literally sitting there waiting for something to happen and not participating in the efforts. i'm putting behind me so much anger towards God for not letting this be easier. i had a journal that i kept in my bag for over a year and it was mostly filled with me bitching. sorry if you are offended but there's no better word to describe it. the woe is me, why not me, why her, where are you God pissing and moaning journal. can writing this way be cathartic? absolutely, however i wasn't writing in a way to find any peace or redeeming value. i was just wallowing and it was making the situation worse. threw the journal away a couple days ago. thought about tossing it for weeks and was clinging to it like it meant something. like i'd want to read that crap at any point in the future! its pretty neat how just throwing away something like that can feel relieving. its like those 3 years don't define me anymore. its not about 3 years of infertility any more. its about being a new jess for the last few months and moving on into a new chapter of my life with or without children that is much healthier and happier. that is a miracle in and of itself and i'm doing a little dance about it.
now i know i rambled on quite a bit. i'm rusty on the blogging front so i am not proofreading this like i normally would. i'm just putting it out there. so if it makes little sense just read pretending i'm talking to you and that might help!
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