Stressed, flailing, exhaling loudly for some reason

The viewing and funeral have come and gone. It was like being in a movie. The pictures on the ledger site are incredible. So much grief, so much sadness, so many people standing in the rain during Gerry's funeral mass because they couldn't squeeze another body inside the church. So much unity. That's what he did. Gerry brought us all together. I met chad there, I met Lesley, josh, HL Leo and so many others at Molly's. So many important friendships. So many epic moments discovering God, love, politics and laughter. We popped in last night after dinner to see if things what the climate would be like. I was put off that it seemed so easy going inside. The flower arrangements are still lining the inside and most of the bartenders look like they haven't slept in a week. I'm not ready to see people having innocent fun yet. It seems disrespectful. Gerry would be glad though that things are picking back up. He wouldn't want the lamenting to drag out.

Today is his funeral ceremony back in ireland. Molly and the kids and all the brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews flew to Galway on Thursday to be with Gerry's parents and prepare a service for him in his home town. Praying for them as they wrap up these final days of scheduled grieving. I hope they get some down time when they get back to just try to find their new normal.

With all the craziness of the last week my very sensitive cycle had been thrown off and being as tired and emotionally exhausted from Gerry's passing as I am I have felt doubt creep in. I want to give up again. I want to not care at all.

Then I'm brought back to the experience of walking out of the church behind the enormous McHugh family as they walk the casket over and put him in the hearse. They all have their arms around each others shoulders and someone starts singing an Irish hymn as they gently lift the coffin into the back. A chill blows through and it's drizzling rain still as they do what chad said can only be described as "wailing". The kids are balling, crossing themselves to keep from collapsing to the ground, these big mchugh men uncontrollably crying over the brother they had never realized had made such a huge impact on so many. No doubt they knew he was special, they just didn't know that so many others had figured it out. I spoke to one of Gerry's sisters briefly about an hour or so later at Molly's and she said they had no idea he'd made such an impact on so many, and that's because he'd have never boasted about it. That was Gerry. He would have been shocked at the turnout and support. That's what made the last week all the more unique.

Watching that family come together and connect with our families, and friends made that ache for a baby to really start to feel raw again. It was inspiring and catastrophic and ugly and precious all wrapped into one. I had so many people ask the normal "how are you?"... We were all doing it, mindlessly. I eventually felt the most comfortable saying, "I dont know.". The sadness would just wax and wain. I thought by Wednesday night i couldn't possibly cry another tear. So wrong! It was inexplicable. I want to describe some of those moments in detail but nothing will capture it.

Now I'm just trying to get back to normal. Things won't be the same. That doesn't mean they'll be bad. It's just not downtown without Gerry McHugh.

My immediate family is fragmented and in many ways won't be repaired. I'm grieving the loss of unity right now. For chad too. He has more cohesiveness on the Kostella side but still it's broken. The Mchughs though I'm sure they have their faults as well have that something special that I crave. A big group of dear friends.

It's like chad and I have that syntality between us and there is so much closeness and sense of belonging that it kills me to not be sharing it with our children yet. It's like we have this members only club that is itching for new recruits. Please oh please let the sadness end. Let there be resolve to this dismal song so we can start singing something else.

shit happens

it has been a very rough past few days. friday morning Gerry McHugh a dear friend and lakeland legend passed away of a massive heart attack that just came out of no where. he was 46 survived by a bakers dozen of siblings (who all still live in ireland), his sweet Molly and their 4 children. Jack the youngest is only 14, Seamus is a junior in high school, and his twin girls Katie and Grace are 19 away at college but home now getting hit by emotions no teenagers should ever have to deal with. it would be one thing if he was a shitty person. but Gerry i believe was one of the most respected individuals in lakeland. he opened Molly McHugh's in 1996 and took a big risk but that pub opening brought life to downtown. shortly after Molly's business started popping up everywhere then Gerry opened a few more establishments. when Gerry bought you a drink, you felt like you had truly made it. he was a smart stubborn business man. he played soccer and was known by everyone in the central florida soccer community. his team played with out him the night he passed away. He was a devout catholic and was very involved in the kids school and in church.
he was so excited when chad asked if he could start working for him a few weeks back. he told me that he couldn't believe chad would want to work for him and he was so relieved because he knew chad could be trusted working in a place that he loved. chad and i met at Molly's. so many friendships, marriages, business partnerships have happened because Gerry had this dream. i'm so grateful that he was brave enough to leave Ireland and go for the american dream. he left a huge dent on our town and downtown will not be quite the same.
why am i including this on my infertility blog?
glad you asked.
2012 has already had so much death. a 23 year old from our church passed away from cancer right after the new year. a friend of mine from high school had a baby that lived for 33 days due to a diaphragmatic hernia. now Gerry is gone. these things shake the faith of everyone. if someone denies it they are lying. you don't immediately go to the "oh everything works together for good, lets sing praise songs to our awesome God who let this happen" moment. a year from now we will still be asking "why?". i have to just look at it and concede understanding. it won't make sense because it shouldn't. do these events bring people together? yes. and that part has been amazing the last few days but he is gone and quite honestly i told God he shouldn't be.
its that same feeling when you see mom's having unwanted kid after kid. or someone having an abortion based solely on inconvenience. why let life happen like that when there are so many suitable parents grieving over not getting to parent. these questions won't get an answer on this side of heaven and i'm usually really good at not focusing on them but the last 3 days have put that"why?" stuff in the foreground again and i will continue to just say "i don't know" (but i really want an answer dammit). i'm glad God knows, but if He's trying to win people over, this ain't the way to do it! But he is bigger than my selfish mind. He is bigger than my ideals of what is right.
this weekend has been hard and so surreal. being in mollys knowing he'll never be coming in the door just feels off. seeing his son last night who wanted to go in and work in honor of his dad was heart breaking. pray for the McHughs. this will change so many people but they are the important ones to focus on.