i barely remember the girl who started this

callous? maybe
guarded? yes. absolutely.
doubting? undoubtingly.
giving up? nope.

i've always said that i know it will happen. i can see it so clearly in my mind. do i believe in signs? .. boy howdy i want to but so many "signs" have broken my heart in the past.
... shooting star wishes on southbound planes...

why am i writing in this blog again? i don't know... but i've had the urge lately b/c so much has happened since the last post. God bless America so much has happened since my first post. i don't even need to re-read it i remember writing it in such a confident manor. i knew it was destined to help people with infertility by using the Bible and Reality. in my world they must mix or your just faking it. i'm not black and white and i grew up in a very black and white lifestyle. i grew up a wallflower and i remember feeling so very gray about so many matters that i was told just were the way they were because they'd always been that way. my brain doesn't accept that. my brain craves reason behind rules. i don't believe that we are given many absolutes and that frees me. it scares the hell out of most.

when it comes to fertility there is no rule book. there is no step by step manual that has been approved by God. there are a lot of opinions on fertility interventions, meds, treatments and preventions but no absolute. i love that. it not only makes for excellent conversation but it allows a person to stretch. i recently read the "pathway to prosperity" by paul ryan (shocking i know but believe it or not this independent voter thoroughly researches as many "sides" as she can). those of us that like all of our reproductive options that we have now should be shaken to the core when you get to that part of his platform.

when is life a life?
- in the old testament it was a sin for a man to "pull out" or masturbate because the semen was considered the baby and the woman was literally considered an incubator. she was thought to have no purpose in the conception process other than to "catch" the baby goo. gross i realize but you get the picture right? they thought flushing the semen was abortion. yes its laughable to you and i but in the old testament semen was a baby.
- now a days there is the argument that life begins the moment the sperm penetrates the egg. (so when the mother misscarries at 5 weeks could this be considered manslaughter?) no seriously.. its up for debate by many.
- some religious folk believe that life begins when the child draws its first breath.
- some believe that life begins when the baby has reached the stage of viability (when he/she can survive outside the womb).

based upon all this then one must throw it all into infertility. what if we do ivf?... most don't think about what happens after the successful pregnancy and birth. usually there are still embryos left over frozen and waiting. here comes some legal stuff. who gets the embryos if you get divorced? who gets the embryos if you and your spouse die?... most importantly... what the heck do you do with them if you don't want any more babies? is tossing them abortion? is leaving them frozen indefinitely abortion? do you donate?

you can't just throw a bible verse at these kinds of questions and leave it. the bible in some verses supports the "life begins with the first breath" idea... and if you like old testament levitical law then stop wearing jeans, grab a chik-fil-a sandwich and tell your husband that ivf is out b/c masturbation is a sin.

here's the thing. no matter what your heart tells you. there will be things that leave you feeling torn about the entire ordeal.

i know when we first decided to stop preventing babies (which contraceptives are also up for debate) i thought we'd never go down the path of fertility treatments. the hippie in me needed this to happen naturally. whelp... its over 4 years now and we don't need it to be sexy any more. wanting to be parents for chad and i isn't about how we conceive, its about getting the privilege to become a mother and father. the story of how our kid came to be will be told i'm sure a million times throughout their lives. they will know that they are sooooo wanted and were soooo loved before they came. they will know how special they are.

so whats happened since the last time i wrote....

i was low in my last few posts. very much tired of trying on our own. we didn't really trust our OB and i was leery about trying a new drug w/him so we just quit for a bit.

one day a girl from work out of the blue walked by my desk stopped and turned to me and said, "i think i'm gonna do ivf."......... i'm thinking okay.. why is she telling me this? we barely knew each other then and i've never mentioned anything to her about my infertility woes. i quickly replied, "wow thats great i know a few people who have had successful ivf i'll find out who they went to for you." after that i decided that her surprise visit to my desk was a nudge to get back on the horse and go see a specialist.
within 30 minutes i had an appt set up and we saw our new doctor about a month later. he's awesome. he's been doing making babies since 1982 and really likes the hard cases. we are a hard case because really there is nothing that's been keeping us from getting pregnant. he did find some endometriosis that was undiagnosed from my first fertility evaluation from lakeland obgyn and discovered that when they did all our testing that they never found my left ovary when they did the hsg and multiple sonograms of my lady parts. never found it and never mentioned it. at my first appointment w/dr. loy he found my left ovary, found endometriosis and scheduled a surgery that day. that appt was in july. i had surgery in august.

it was like every door was opening ... like swinging so wide open it was almost too positive..... 

when we went back for the post-op it was a devastating visit. for me. not chad. not the doctor. just me. i was blindsided with bad news. it literally made me feel like we shouldn't pursue having our own baby anymore. i since feel differently but that was one of the worst days i can remember in a long long time.
here's the nutshell version. i have a small uterus. its about 80% the size its supposed to be. the condition is congenital (develops around week 6 gestation) and usually a woman ends up with half of everything in the lady parts area. half uterus, one tube, one ovary. thankfully i have 2 fully functioning ovaries and just a slightly smaller womb. dr. loy said ... "some women go full term and never know they had a unicornuate uterus, there is a higher risk of miscarriage during the 2nd trimester, some have to have c-sections b/c the baby can't turn."... all i heard out of that was "there is a higher risk of 2nd trimester miscarriage." my brain just went into overdrive... i'm trying to have a baby that i may not be able to keep safe inside me... how selfish is that?! why would i pursue something that may kill my kid!? oh my god once i get pregnant it only gets worse? then i really have to worry... oh sad me ...once we get past the 12th week we don't get to relax and enjoy?! why oh why?!!!
that was pretty much on repeat in my mind the entire ride home. i was also so worried about my mom. i've kept her in the know about all this and i knew that she would feel responsible. i dreaded telling her but knew i had to. it was such a hard conversation but she took it like a champ! maybe she boo hood later but she was a rock during my crying fest phone call. my mom was the pregnant lady that wouldn't take a tylenol when she was pregnant. she did everything she could to keep her body healthy and natural. its not anyones fault that my lady parts aren't huge :).

here's the thing. when we were doing clomid (in way too high dosages so says the good dr loy) we could have gotten pregnant w/multiples and the risk for miscarrying would have been even higher and we'd have never had the info to know why. though i'd have like to have gotten pregnant back then we may have been saved a lot of heartache. now we know that when i get pregnant (which should be no problem so sayeth the good dr loy) that i need to be careful ESPECIALLY when i start growing and showing.

my nutshell versions are so long... but theres A LOT to catch up on.

i'm taking a drug called letrozole which is like clomid BUT it is designed to mature just one follice and one gorgeous egg. huge difference and i don't want multiples. i've said it before and i'll say it again. we are not trying to catch up. the idea of catching up is ridiculous to me. we lead our own lives and are in a race with no one.
they check my follicle growth when i start my cycle and almost half way through. the day 11-13 visit the check the follicle growth and take blood to test for estrogen levels. the first cycle my estrogen was really low and we decided to cancel the trigger shot and iui. the doc said he didn't feel like it was promising enough to continue the cycle and i'm thankful they aren't just trying to get my money cuz we'd have forked it out.
cycle 2 we did the same thing... letrozole, 3 follicle scans and 2 estrogen levels later we got the ok from the doc to schedule the trigger shot (ovidrel, it tells the follicle to release the egg timing the ovulation) 36 hours after the shot we went in for insemination. i had all the hopes in the world that i would work. we're the couple that nothing works the first time and i thought maybe just maybe this would be it.... nope. i was sad but knew that part of these visits is allowing the doctor to get to know my cycle and tweak the drugs in whatever way he sees fit to maximize success. their goal is to do as little as possible for the best results. chad loves that. i just want to be a mommy :)

we are now about 7 days into cycle 3. today is my last day of the letrozole and i go in black friday morning for an ultra sound and bloodwork (hoping for a big fat follicle thats at least 18mm). i've been eating my vitamins and trying to incorporate foods that are higher in estrogen to help with my levels. it seemed to work last month so that's fun. this cycle they have prescribed progesterone for the end of the cycle (it helps prevent my period from coming to quickly, hence giving baby k more time to "stick"). i've taken it before and i hate it BUT i'm willing to take it w/twice the side effects if it works!

ending on an abrupt note. i gotta get ready for a twin baby shower :) hoping to get some good preggo vibes from the mommy to be.

as is the norm, i won't spell check til later or maybe not at all. god bless you if you make it through this whole entry. whew! i'm spent.

Words words words. These are the last for now...

this blog needs an ending. i'm tired of writing in it. kinda obvious i realize since i haven't written in quite a while. i never really thought about how i'd end it. i didn't picture writing then ending happily or sadly or indifferently.
i'm just done with it. everyone that reads my blog that was going through infertility as well has gotten pregnant. maybe that's part of why i don't feeling like blogging about infertility anymore... i kinda feel that "my job is done" sort of feeling. A big part of my need to make this blog was to help others. Now I've gotten to rejoice with many struggling infertiles in their single blessings and even double blessings (I have 3 friends this past year get preggers w/twins! God bless fertility treatments!). I've also mourned with those who have gotten to experience the joy of a positive test but lost that joy within weeks to misscarriage. I know a lot of you girls read this and you know how much I love and appreciate our friendship whether new or old. I'm not a people person. People suffocate me quickly and lately I've been seeking more and more solitude. There is a season for everything. I'm entering into a new season and this one doesn't include fertility blogging. Another big reason for this blog was just to vent. We are at a place now where my venting mechanism has gone dry. I'm not mad about that I'm just moving on into a different phase of reality. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people feel like they have to ask "how I'm doing" in that way that's borderline condescending. I don't need my issue to be anyone else's issue. I've got way more stuff to do than just be infertile. I'm considering starting a new blog about my views on politics and religion and my unconventional views about both. We'll see.

unplugged

I have been procrastinating. I worry that if I get too negative it will cause those of you who read this to feel like I do. So I'm going to take my own advise for a hot minute and remember the reason I started blogging to begin with. Y'all remember that first blog... In the middle of the storm. My goal was to be realistic about all this. To not over spiritualize or fill this with proper church speak. It's here for me to be honest. Infertility is not awesome. Infertility blows. Infertility makes me want to shut down and push all of you out. Infertility makes me question everything. ... As I was typing "everything" chad came to my mind immediately as a contradiction to the word so I have to take it back. Rewind... try that statement again... The only consistent home base for me through this has been chad alone. I'd love to lie to you and say that God has been my rock but honestly i feel like God has been teasing me. I use reading scripture and walking and praying to psych myself up for disappointment. I don't look for signs anymore yet they still happen ALL the time. Then just as soon as I'm turning that glass is half empty corner I get blindsided by disappointment. You ask,"how can you possibly be surprised by a period after so many years of "no"?". Because every time I get my period I have been prepping for the disappointment and am ready to soldier through and claim the next cycle as "the one". i know that may sound contradictory but if you battle with fertility it makes perfect sense. day one of your cycle is the best and the worst. so if your not pregnant you want day one to hurry but you still want it not to come at all because then you have to refuel for a whole new cycle. talk about mentally exhausting. which brings me to today.

I'm about 2 weeks in to my latest cycle. I had the thought to give up fertility for lent. I stuck with the usual Facebook hiatus. I'm still not ready for the cycle I'm in. My normal routines (control) have been discombobulated. My last period came early. I was SHOCKED. Not ready. Not prepped. I came home from work defeated. The epitome of last place. For months Ive not been connected to the despair of infertility. I've been rideing on the fumes of regularity and though I've been disappointed, I've easily bounced back; ready to get on with the new month. That monday felt like the end of the world. coincidentally my shoulder pain came the same day. to all you "fixers" out there, no its not stress related, and yes i've seen many doctors and been given many diagnosis' which all lead to Vicodin. usually my pain comes for a few days and goes away. this time it came swooping in and sadly is still bothering me as i type today... no it has nothing to do with sitting at a desk :). so i've checked out.

I have for over 2 weeks struggled finding my balance. I know how blessed I am. I know my issues are trite in comparison to real problems. knowing how lucky you are when you feel depressed makes you feel guilty driving that blueness into more of a navy hue. I just feel unplugged. Here's the thing. I don't really feel like plugging in. Ive been so solid for like the past year. i quit the meds in about may of 2011 and have been sailing smooth ever since. i've been so well-balanced in body soul and spirit. now all of a sudden i'm de-railed. i know long term pain can wear anyone down and i figure once my shoulder pain subsides it'll be easier to focus on fixing my crappy attitude.
i guess i just wanted to write. i've been wary to put this out there but its part of it. we don't understand light unless there is contrasting dark. as a christian i want to quickly find the "all things work together for good" part but sometimes you get sick of the p.c. answer and just need a moment to bitch.
i want off this ride. i don't want to want a kid this badly. i don't want to dream about what my house will feel like once there is a 3rd kostella. i want to quit thinking about how we'll hear cries from the 3rd bedroom one day and chady and i'll both say "not it." i want to erase my dreams of what our baby's first steps will look like. i've gone through so many senarios about what will happen in this house and still the same thing keeps on happening. there are only my cries, me saying to chad "not pregnant", and my pacing through the house trying to convince God to quit the waiting game.
here's the thing. i'm a firm believer of the supernatural. i believe things happen that have no scientific explanation. i believe that God has all the power to make miracles happen. thats why i've got beef with God. its that feeling that God is holding out on me. its not that i lack faith. i've got tons of it. i've seen miracles with my own eyes. i'm sick of praying about it. there's no other way to pray and i'm tired of the repetition. i was telling chad that lately it feels like i'm not being heard. he said he feels the same way. its not even with the fertility prayers. most of you know my prayer life has always been the easiest part of my relationship with God. i pray all the time but lately i feel like my letters are getting stamped "return to sender".
so there you have it. i'm sure it didn't make much sense (blame it on the Vicodin). i'll be okay. i always dig out but right now i just don't feel like giving a shit about it anymore. its like the song "99 bottles of beer on the wall". i'm becoming disinterested in the fertility game because its not building character anymore its just stuck on the same verse and i'm done singing it.

oh yeah speaking of singing.... i wrote a new song last saturday. out of the vein of infertility and my recent disconnect with my Creator.

(vs1)
shooting star wishes on south bound planes.
dreaming too big and all that remains..
is irony
trajedy
will it be
the best of me?
(v2)
the winds came on sunday. call them the winds of change.
shaking me to the core, but everything remains the same.
is it irony
trajedy
it may be
the best of me.
(chorus)
Shoot star shoot me down down down
Blow wind blow my mind.
i won't let go
don't tell me no
take me slow and i will show..
the best of me.
(vs3)
time for dead end signs. save me from your nursery rhymes.
calling out every bluff. game ends, i think i'm tough.
is it irony
or trajedy,
it can't take.
the best of me.

its on my youtube with chad playing and singing along. we've never in our 8-9 years written a song together and yes i wrote the words but as i was playing it at the kitchen table he emerges from his office (guitar in hand), sits down next to me and just starts playing like we'd written a thousand songs together. the video i posted is the 2nd time we played it through. those are the musical moments i find miraculous.

hooray i ended on a good note!

Stressed, flailing, exhaling loudly for some reason

The viewing and funeral have come and gone. It was like being in a movie. The pictures on the ledger site are incredible. So much grief, so much sadness, so many people standing in the rain during Gerry's funeral mass because they couldn't squeeze another body inside the church. So much unity. That's what he did. Gerry brought us all together. I met chad there, I met Lesley, josh, HL Leo and so many others at Molly's. So many important friendships. So many epic moments discovering God, love, politics and laughter. We popped in last night after dinner to see if things what the climate would be like. I was put off that it seemed so easy going inside. The flower arrangements are still lining the inside and most of the bartenders look like they haven't slept in a week. I'm not ready to see people having innocent fun yet. It seems disrespectful. Gerry would be glad though that things are picking back up. He wouldn't want the lamenting to drag out.

Today is his funeral ceremony back in ireland. Molly and the kids and all the brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews flew to Galway on Thursday to be with Gerry's parents and prepare a service for him in his home town. Praying for them as they wrap up these final days of scheduled grieving. I hope they get some down time when they get back to just try to find their new normal.

With all the craziness of the last week my very sensitive cycle had been thrown off and being as tired and emotionally exhausted from Gerry's passing as I am I have felt doubt creep in. I want to give up again. I want to not care at all.

Then I'm brought back to the experience of walking out of the church behind the enormous McHugh family as they walk the casket over and put him in the hearse. They all have their arms around each others shoulders and someone starts singing an Irish hymn as they gently lift the coffin into the back. A chill blows through and it's drizzling rain still as they do what chad said can only be described as "wailing". The kids are balling, crossing themselves to keep from collapsing to the ground, these big mchugh men uncontrollably crying over the brother they had never realized had made such a huge impact on so many. No doubt they knew he was special, they just didn't know that so many others had figured it out. I spoke to one of Gerry's sisters briefly about an hour or so later at Molly's and she said they had no idea he'd made such an impact on so many, and that's because he'd have never boasted about it. That was Gerry. He would have been shocked at the turnout and support. That's what made the last week all the more unique.

Watching that family come together and connect with our families, and friends made that ache for a baby to really start to feel raw again. It was inspiring and catastrophic and ugly and precious all wrapped into one. I had so many people ask the normal "how are you?"... We were all doing it, mindlessly. I eventually felt the most comfortable saying, "I dont know.". The sadness would just wax and wain. I thought by Wednesday night i couldn't possibly cry another tear. So wrong! It was inexplicable. I want to describe some of those moments in detail but nothing will capture it.

Now I'm just trying to get back to normal. Things won't be the same. That doesn't mean they'll be bad. It's just not downtown without Gerry McHugh.

My immediate family is fragmented and in many ways won't be repaired. I'm grieving the loss of unity right now. For chad too. He has more cohesiveness on the Kostella side but still it's broken. The Mchughs though I'm sure they have their faults as well have that something special that I crave. A big group of dear friends.

It's like chad and I have that syntality between us and there is so much closeness and sense of belonging that it kills me to not be sharing it with our children yet. It's like we have this members only club that is itching for new recruits. Please oh please let the sadness end. Let there be resolve to this dismal song so we can start singing something else.

shit happens

it has been a very rough past few days. friday morning Gerry McHugh a dear friend and lakeland legend passed away of a massive heart attack that just came out of no where. he was 46 survived by a bakers dozen of siblings (who all still live in ireland), his sweet Molly and their 4 children. Jack the youngest is only 14, Seamus is a junior in high school, and his twin girls Katie and Grace are 19 away at college but home now getting hit by emotions no teenagers should ever have to deal with. it would be one thing if he was a shitty person. but Gerry i believe was one of the most respected individuals in lakeland. he opened Molly McHugh's in 1996 and took a big risk but that pub opening brought life to downtown. shortly after Molly's business started popping up everywhere then Gerry opened a few more establishments. when Gerry bought you a drink, you felt like you had truly made it. he was a smart stubborn business man. he played soccer and was known by everyone in the central florida soccer community. his team played with out him the night he passed away. He was a devout catholic and was very involved in the kids school and in church.
he was so excited when chad asked if he could start working for him a few weeks back. he told me that he couldn't believe chad would want to work for him and he was so relieved because he knew chad could be trusted working in a place that he loved. chad and i met at Molly's. so many friendships, marriages, business partnerships have happened because Gerry had this dream. i'm so grateful that he was brave enough to leave Ireland and go for the american dream. he left a huge dent on our town and downtown will not be quite the same.
why am i including this on my infertility blog?
glad you asked.
2012 has already had so much death. a 23 year old from our church passed away from cancer right after the new year. a friend of mine from high school had a baby that lived for 33 days due to a diaphragmatic hernia. now Gerry is gone. these things shake the faith of everyone. if someone denies it they are lying. you don't immediately go to the "oh everything works together for good, lets sing praise songs to our awesome God who let this happen" moment. a year from now we will still be asking "why?". i have to just look at it and concede understanding. it won't make sense because it shouldn't. do these events bring people together? yes. and that part has been amazing the last few days but he is gone and quite honestly i told God he shouldn't be.
its that same feeling when you see mom's having unwanted kid after kid. or someone having an abortion based solely on inconvenience. why let life happen like that when there are so many suitable parents grieving over not getting to parent. these questions won't get an answer on this side of heaven and i'm usually really good at not focusing on them but the last 3 days have put that"why?" stuff in the foreground again and i will continue to just say "i don't know" (but i really want an answer dammit). i'm glad God knows, but if He's trying to win people over, this ain't the way to do it! But he is bigger than my selfish mind. He is bigger than my ideals of what is right.
this weekend has been hard and so surreal. being in mollys knowing he'll never be coming in the door just feels off. seeing his son last night who wanted to go in and work in honor of his dad was heart breaking. pray for the McHughs. this will change so many people but they are the important ones to focus on.