you laugh, but i actually did. then He laughed then i felt a little silly because jokes on me. I asked for a baby and he gave me just that.. a baby.. now before you congratulate me and get all emotional please realize that the baby i got is about 16 ounces completely covered in black fur and has yellowish orange eyes. God said here's your baby for now kostella's see if you can parent this helpless stray kitten. and you know that's exactly what i equated our new little friend too. haha very funny and p.s. thanks! i really like her and i HATE cats.
but lets get real, he hasn't said "no".. never has said "no" its been "yes its going to happen, you just have to wait a little longer. i'll keep refreshing you along the way just don't get all pissy like you know you want to." thankfully His love covers me even when i have foul thoughts about being one of the lucky one's chosen to go through this.
i started my period yesterday.. i knew it was coming but its amazing how quickly you talk yourself out of knowing its coming because you want so deeply to not feel that period symptom and you explain it away w/"oh it must be gas", or of course "am i pregnant?" thoughts. this was my 4th cycle since quitting the clomid. i'm still amazed that i have been totally regular the last 4 months. its still such a huge relief to experience trusting my body that i feel so much less disappointment when i start. before it was like all hands on deck when i'd finally start a new cycle and the stress and pressure of hoping i'd ovulate and not knowing when or if i would was excruciating. my "offness" made me feel like it was my last chance every time cuz i may not have another cycle to try on for 2-3 months. what a difference! thank you Lord for this huge miracle. after lets see... 19 years of irregular periods i finally get to feel normal! whoop! there it is. big time.
chad even said a few days ago that he feels like since we took a break from the meds that it feels like we are just starting. he's right. it feels totally different now to try getting pregnant than it did even just a year ago....speaking of a year ago...
my first clomid cycle i started in october of last year and we were in San Fransisco when i ovulated on it and boy howdy was that exciting. i was so amped. i knew the odds of it working on the first shot were low but i'm hellbent on being optimistic with every single cycle that i get. focusing on future cycles when you are currently on one seems counter-productive. each cycle is a gift and deserves full attention. that was by far the closest we'd yet come to getting pregnant in 2 years. we'd increased our odds. the stats were more on our side than ever. just knowing that was thrilling.
i remember starting my period and still being so excited about clomid that it wasn't that devastating b/c the meds journey was just starting. half.. HALF of the chicks that use clomid get knocked up w/in 6 months! holy macaroni i could be pregnant by spring 2011! ..... but, i wasn't. odds are if clomid didn't work within 6 cycles the % of success drastically drops w/subsequent cycles. we did a 7th and i had to have a break from it (which you've read about previously). i was up to 150 mg's and adding prometrium to the cocktail made me feel terrible. down depressed irritable like you wouldn't believe, and weepy. like just the hint of a 3 part harmony and i was a ball of tears.
its funny the side-effects of clomid just make life feel gross. i felt gross. talk about counterproductive when it comes to sex!
-angry at God.
-mad at myself for all the mistakes i've made in life that make me feel like i don't deserve to want this baby.
- depressed that i have friends that were pregnant w/their 2nd and 3rd children all of which were conceived after we started trying.
-seeing all things as negative and not willing to look for any redeeming value. looking for the good in anything at the time seemed like i was just reaching to make others feel better about my infertility. hiding behind quit wit and the redirection of my sadness focused on you not me.
now i still try to keep my conversations away from my fertility delays. i still find myself not wanting people to feel sorry for me. i want to make them feel better about it because i do have so much in the world that is awesome. i am encouraged in my world by my husband, family and friends to be me. i am totally comfortable in my own skin and am proud of that (not in a cocky way but i do really enjoy hanging out with me). i know that i will be a mother. there is no doubt in my mind. i can't imagine doing this with out my faith.. i know that if i didn't fully know that God was using this to better me i would without a doubt be drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol ending up on that "intervention" tv show... "my name is jessica.. j-e-s-s-i-c-a and i'm addicted to a...b...c.. and v...for vicatin."
there is no doubt i'm becoming better because of this. i'm not doing cartwheels about the struggle and journey (I don't cheer when I have to go by tampons). I've just calmed down about it and focused on what i have rather than what i don't. i used to think i could honestly say to God, "listen i'll never ask for anything else again if You'll just do this one thing." bartering, begging, demanding like i couldn't breathe with out this baby. He has come to the rescue and given me a new trick... i can relax ... ready? watch this........ exhale... breath in deep.....
this will happen i can't rush it, and i can't slow it down. that's all there is to it. simple. i am in control of whether or not i choose to un-simplify it. now will i be sad? of course! i simply want to be a mommy and not to just cats and dogs! i'm sad but that will not be who i am. i am a lot more than infertile. i've got jobs to do like be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister, musician, employee (yes i spent a moment with the order). i could be doing better in all those "positions" and one day i get to add mother (right after wife) to it!
a few new people have been introduced to me b/c of fertility and w/in this last month they have read my blog. this of course made me want to read my blog too to see what it is i'm saying! i was nervous to read through it b/c i'm hoping that it makes sense to them as they scan it and most importantly hoping it helps. i had a moment of fear thinking that it might make them feel sad. i mean my most recent entry is about putting behind the last 3 years as if i'd earned something by waiting so long. i thought man if i was one of these girls reading this i hope they don't feel like it's going to be that long for them as well. i'm relieved that it seems to be more encouraging than discouraging. that was the point of blogging. i want to paint a real picture of what i've dealt with... what WE'VE dealt with... i do that a lot (write "i" or "me" or "I've" and usually backspace to re-type to include the chad) sorry babe i know you are just as much a part of this but it is certainly different for the dad-to-be to go through infertility (different not meaning better or worse, just different).
any ways i thought as a christian, blogging about infertility will be a delicate topic but if i type about it so as to not offend it won't be honest (if its not honest its pointless). God knows exactly how i feel and allows me to "speak freely" when i pray so that's what i have to do if i blog about it (profanity and all). its a roller coaster/freak show/circus act to go through the ups and downs of infertility and I am determined to be better because of it.
the writer Holly Gerth says it best that it is truly "ok to not be ok". thats human. christians are human. i am sooooo human. just like everyone else we fail, we want, we complain, we judge, we forget what's important and we have triumphs, compassion, forgiveness, and success. infertility takes a girl through all of that. over and over in no particular order at all :)
thanks for reading this those of you who do. i'm longwinded and all over the place (that i discovered when i read through it all last week) and i know you all love me anyways or even because of that and it means a lot to be cared for so much. feeling lucky at 5:39 october 28th 2011 and i'm not even ovulating :)