the last few months have been weird. i haven't really written nor have i really wanted to. i don't really want to right now. i noticed that since april/may when we stopped doing the meds for a bit that i have retreated into my comfort zones and only my comfort zones... work, walking, watching, waiting and sleeping (woulda been need for that to start with a "w" but alas it is one of the main components to my current daily life). the strong emotional desire and sadness, frustration, excitement, anticipation, etc. have left the building. i don't know how it happend but its like i'm only thinking about fertility in my head for the most part. i am totally disconnected to how i feel. and its not just with fertility. its with everything. depression? sure, maybe a little. i feel like i'm on the outside looking in, feeling sorry for that poor childless couple but not shedding tears for them.
i kinda thought maybe i'd licked the emotional distress of infertility. honestly i thought for quite a few months that maybe God was saving me from my feelings and that i'd grown to more of an understanding and acceptance of the situation. perhaps i have grown a bit. i think that just happens as a result of something like this but more so i think i've just checked out.
i have been no fun for the last 6 months. i had cut out drinking, started exercising and eating better, reading and somehow these new healthy habits have alienated me from my world. i don't want to do anything but work walk wait and sleep. i kinda had this wake up call last weekend. a friend told me i never wanted to do anything fun and i used to be fun. harsh but true. now i know i can't fix it over night but i knew first off i needed to apologize to chad. he deserves a fun wife. i used to be full of life wanted to do anything and hang out all the time. so i told him i need his help to keep me accountable. i need to start participating in extra curricular activities. now i still don't want to go to molly's and hang out til 2 drinking whiskey.. that part of my life was fun for sure but its just not for me anymore. drinking makes me feel like i'm wasting both time and money.
i'm coming to some realizations that i have to accept and use. i'm 30 now and yes i thought my life would be different than it is. i thought i'd be more of an adult by now. i thought i'd been done having children by now.. i think my all my feelings retreated from my heart to my mind and walled themselves in because i don't want to be sad. i don't want to be whiny about what i don't have. i want to be thankful for all the blessings in my life and praise God wholeheartedly. thats not the case though and i have shut down. they say when the going gets tough the tough get going and trials are when our true spirits come out and shine or fade away. i want to shine i want to be tough i want this to make me stronger, chad stronger, our marriage stronger. maybe it has... maybe i won't notice it until years down the road.
about a week after my 30th bday we were lying in bed just talking. chad had come home late and i was mad. part of me being mad is me being jealous of his ability to lose track of time because he is enjoying himself so much. he loves people. he loves to talk to people and get to know them and hear their story. he is amazing in this way and i'm not at all. i am a slave to the clock and i wish i could be more like chad when it comes to time. i want to enjoy myself so much that i forget to look at what time it is. i've been there before but this infertility thing has disabled that part of me. anyways back to us talking.. we chatted it up for a bit about time and what not then he changed keys and said something to the effect of "i'm really sad we haven't gotten pregnant yet." i hadn't cried in months and that's all it took. i mean floodgates opened and i lost my mind. it was like i hadn't "felt" in so long and it hurt so bad to reconnect to those feelings again. we talked/choked through the conversation. a week prior on my birthday night we were out and the only girls that came out were two of my equally pregnant friends.. as you know when girls and guys hang out they separate by gender and i sat there on my barren 30th birthday thinking it was actually kinda funny that they were the 2 i had to hang out with of all people. don't get me wrong i love them both dearly but i think you understand why i felt like the joke was on me. it didn't bother me a bit until a week later! i was stoic and numb then one sentence from the only person who i really truly need in the world plugged me back in. i was mad for hours about my birthday night. why did i have to be in that situation on my damned birthday? why did i have to be all hunky dory about it? .. these are questions i couldn't get out of my head all night but i know now (now that i'm back to feeling numb) there isn't an answer it just is what it is. they are my friend and they love me.
the last few months not sharing our fertility woes with the world has been good. i don't plan to bring anyone else into our decisions when/if we continue down the medication/treatment ave. i have enjoyed being able to have conversations that don't have to always come back to fertility and what day i'm on and what my plans are for the future. i feel like these conversations consist mostly of me trying to make the other person feel better about me not getting pregnant. its stupid. honestly i don't know what our plans are. today i'm medication free. determined to participate in life regardless of what i had in mind for "jess at 30". there is joy to be had and i will have some of it God willing.
