killers: why do i keep counting

as you know i've been walking the lake like its my job for the past 6 months or so and i've been going through new music during my walks. i've never been the killers number 1 fan but its great music to walk to and i like the lead singers voice a lot. in the album "sams town" this song can be found and literally i was in tears when i listened to it the first time (yes i was walking the lake and yes i wad getting strange looks. who cares!). its my song of the year. thank you killers.

"why do i keep counting"

There's a plane and I am flying
There's a mountain waiting for me
Oh these years have been so trying

I don't know if I can use them
Am I strong enough
To be the one?
Will I live to have some children?

[x2]
Help me get down,
I can make it,
Help me get down

If I only knew the answer
I wouldn't be bothering you, father

[x2]
Help me get down
I can make it
Help me get down

If I only knew the answer
And If all our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting

My sugar sweet is so attainable
This behaviour so unexplainable
The days just slip and slide
Like they always did
The trouble is my head
Won't let me forget

I took one last good look around
So many unusual sounds
I gotta get my feet on the ground

Help me get down,
I can make it (ohhhhh...)
Help me get down,
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
I wouldn't be bothering you, father,
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
Help me get down
I can make it, help me get down
If I only knew the answer...
And if all our days are numbered,
Would you help me get down? (I can make it, help me get down)
(Help me get down)
(I can make it, help me get down)
If I only knew the answer...

If I change my way of living
And If I pave my streets with good times
Will the mountain keep on giving

And if all of our days are numbered
Then why do I keep counting

rejoice with those who rejoice. mourn with those that mourn.

i was reading a blog today of a new friend who i have connected to through First Pres and through infertility. she has gone through the mill of infertility woes and i respect her calm and perseverance a lot. one of her post she was clearly not in the best mood which is of course in a way is comforting. just because we may have been given a peace about the unfulfilled desire doesn't mean there aren't crappy days. i'll be the first to admit i have had some of the worst lows i've ever experienced in dealing with this desire for chad and i to be parents. i look at him and it breaks my heart that he doesn't get to be a dad yet. he will be amazing. he is so kind and patient. he is so open to people of every walk of life no matter their differences. he possesses a quiet confidence and yet isn't cocky. he's intensely creative and puts his everything into the things he loves. i can't wait to see that correlate to parenting. i can't wait to parent with him. i think of our parents and how much it hurts them to see us be sad about the infertility and how fervently they pray for God's timing to be yesterday.
chad and i were driving somewhere the other day and i was kinda having a revelation about "us" when we become 3 or 4. being that we are creatures that learn from experience and by watching others i obviously pay close attention to the parenting practices of others. i do my best not to judge (cuz who am i to say its being done right or wrong i have no basis to argue) however it has come to my attention that there is a huge possibility that baby K takes the drivers seat when they get here. not only because we've wanted them for so long but it just seems to be common for a lot of parents to kinda put the marriage on a back burner and just do baby. i would be devastated if our priorities go outta wack. as long as we keep each other number 1 baby k should be as well balanced as we could hope for. i kinda think of it this way. i got to pick chad and he got to pick me. we wouldn't have chosen any one else. we don't get to chose who this child will be and if you know us and our families well enough you know there is a plethora of possibilities (we might be giving birth to a perfect stranger!). that being said i know it will be work but we have made that promise to each other to not lose sight of the gift of our marriage and our deep connection. i like this lesson. i don't know that we'd have learned it with out the wait.
anyways back to my original thought. sometimes its hard to rejoice with those who are rejoicing no matter what the topic. i used to have such a hard time when i'd hear of a new expecting moms. i felt sorry for myself. it was literally like every day that i checked my facebook someone else was pregnant and i still wasn't. it became kind of a joke. i was never mad at them or resentful towards them just really mad at God. why not me? why not me? what about me? can you hear me? i have fleeting moments of that still i don't think it completely goes away, but i fell as if i've matured a lot through the experience and i don't take it personally anymore. i had to wake up and just realize that it is just as easy as it is hard to get pregnant and God hasn't forgotten me. i really try to see others pregnancies as just as much a gift and it means that heaven isn't running out of babies!
i did a study on stress about a week ago because i feel physically tight and those of you that know i have had a chronic shoulder pain most of the time for the last 8 years or so, know it can really knock me down. ive seen many doctors and recieved a bunch of diagnosis's like pinched nerve, pluracy, and fibromialgia (sp?) and i always get sent home with steroids and vicatin (hooray vicatin). i have hated that its medicated and not fixed but they say they can't do anything. i've had deep tissue massages the works but no relief. so back to my study on stress. i read that good vitamins to take are b-complex (which i already take for fertility) d and a. they are good for reducing stress somehow so i learned that we may take these things but they may not be working. things that inhibit these vitamins from absorbing are caffeine (uh oh) alcohol cigarettes and diet drinks (double uh oh). also not getting enough exercise. i was walking the lake 3 times a week but i have learned its really best to have at least 45 minutes of exercise a day. now i was in a pickle. i hate walking at night and i hate waking up early. something's gotta give. so for almost a week now Jess yates Kostella has been waking up early with the birds and walking around the lake before the sun even comes up! i cut caffeine about 2 weeks ago i have already lowered the amount of drinking i do just cuz i hate how it makes me feel the next day but just to be disciplined i've given myself a 4 drink per week limit. when and if i do partake it'll be guiness (cuz its chock full of vitamins, prego's in the uk drink it for the vitamins!) or wine (but i really don't have a refined enough palate to enjoy wine without gingerale in it and that's a little too poke county!). of course i quit smoking long ago and thank God it is no longer a struggle to abstain from. i'm actually quite put off by them now which is truly a miracle. i used to even smoke in my dreams i enjoyed it so much! so.... the million dollar question is have my newer healthier habits paid off? i realize its still quite early but on day three chad looked at me and he said he hadn't seen me this happy in months! crazy what a change up can do but i'm on board and i plan on staying disciplined. i feel like a million bucks. minus the bum shoulder its still broken but i feel so renewed. hopefully my shoulder will notice how much fun the rest of my body is having and join the party. you never know!
Things are happening. things are moving and shaking and i feel really pumped about today. i'm not gonna miss out on it just because i want a baby. that baby will be here no sooner and no later than they are supposed to so i am determined to praise the Lord and be thankful and in awe of all that i have.
hooray.

training wheels

i am nervous to start this. i have thought that writing would be cathartic and it has proved to both inspire and frustrate me. i guess to begin first off, i love God. if it weren't for God being gracious enough to give me this unquenchable desire perhaps i wouldn't be as close to him now. i grit my teeth when i type that because the "desire" i strongly believe was not only biologically given to me but spiritually as well and oh how i've prayed for God to take the desire away. i want to go back to when i was 25 and could have cared less about when we would start our family. i want to be able to fully enjoy all the blessings God has put in my life without this constant detraction. To my prayer of asking God to "take it away" he has answered a resounding "NO". i smile at that because deep down i really don't want the desire to go away. I am at a place now years later (about to turn 30) with no children and i wouldn't trade this valley for the world because of where its brought me. i am in awe of God. i have been broken and poured out and learned that this process may be long and may seem so repetitive but He won't let anything happen to us that we can't handle with His strength in us.

i decided to try to read thru the Bible back in december b/c i was feeling so dry and frustrated. the need to do so had been weighing heavily for some time and i have neglected reading the Bible for a long time. as i have tried to give the fertility issue to God and relieve myself of feeling like i have any control it has been impossible until i started to read. we already know God is in control of it all anyhoo so its not really me handing the reigns over its more like me accepting that God already has them. rinse and repeat... letting control go is a discipline not a decision for me. it may be tough forever. but with God nothing is impossible. these verses are really helping me praise and thank God.

matthew 7

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

isaiah 61:7⁷ Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

psalm 94: 18-19 ¹⁸ When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, LORD, supported me.
¹⁹ When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.

isaiah 40 , ¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

psalm 113:9
⁹ He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.

ps 21:2 ² You have granted him his heart’s desire
and have not withheld the request of his lips.^a]">[a]

^{a]">ps 38: 9-10} ⁹ All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
¹⁰ My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

proverbs 30:15-16

¹⁵ “The leech has two daughters.
‘Give! Give!’ they cry.

“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
¹⁶ the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

i especially like the last one.. its like it validates the craziness b/c you can't quench the desire and God knows that!

also read about the barren women, abrahams sarah (issac), isaccs rebecka (esau and jacob) jacobs rachel ( joshua and benjamin). hannah (samuel). the woman who elisha met and said by this time next year you will hold your child in your arms... and then elizabeth's john the baptist... such greatness came from the barren womb. so i know we are being prepared now for greatness!

I've often said that i can't wait to be able to help others struggling with infertility once we have children. no one understands it but women that have to endure it. my fanfreakintastic husband Chad said to me that i am doing that now and am most likely best suited for it while i'm still dealing with it. that makes so much sense to because i seem to be surrounded by dear friends going through the same thing. once we have children all this time we've waited won't really seem so horrible because they will be worth all the wait.

our game plan at this time:

for a long long time i was absolutely opposed to consulting a physician about it. i got into a defiance mode. i wasn't really worried about meds or having a litter i was concerned that i would get overwhelmed with the "control" i might be taking from God (sounds funny right? me taking something from God like i have any power!). i was determined for God to just do it. literally its like i was looking to the heavens saying "God you will do this and then they will all see that my faith was strong and i don't need help!". sounds ridiculous but my attitude just grew more and more sour and i was demanding my miracle because i didn't want to "lose".
i was venting to a friend from work one afternoon via text and she texted back to me "jess i think this is God's way of telling you that you need to see a doctor." at that moment it all changed and i no longer felt that strong resistance with getting checked out. i called an old high school friend who i'd heard had gone through infertility and came out on the other side w/2 beautiful children with the help of doctors and treatments. her wise counsel and advised really helped me see that doctors are a gift and these treatments and a gift. she told me what obgyn to use if she had it to do over again and what clinic she'd recommend. oddly enough 2 days prior i had made an appt at that clinic with that doctor **doors swinging open wide** insert goosebumps__:).
we've been checked and Lord have mercy did they do a thorough check on us. happily the doctor said he can find no reason that we aren't pregnant yet. honestly that frustrated the hell out of me at first but someone later said "well that just shows you God's got it and its just not yet time."
we are doing clomid cycles now. taking it easy with the approach to treatment. i don't want to get to aggressive not only because of the money involved but because i want to make sure that we give each cycle full attention. stats say that 50% get preg. w/in 6 months of clomid treatments so thats our plan at this point. Chad feels confident that the meds will work and loves that my cycles are regular now that i've been on it a few months. the first cycle the doc also suggested we do the IUI procedure. after much discussion we felt like we'd wait on the IUI's until january. well the new year came and went and we still don't feel comfortable with the idea and when and if we do we'll cross that bridge then. i don't want to get so distracted by our desire to have a baby that i end up going into debt over it. that seems counterproductive to us right now. welcome to the family baby kostella now go get a job!
i've got a peace right now about the next cycle. i feel like this journey is wrapping itself up and we are getting so close to becoming parents. i want to share my hope with you. i can't imagine going through all this crap without my relationship with God and with Chad.

what i ask of our friends and family:
doubt creeps in so easily and i ask that if you pray for us pray believing without hesitation in our miracle! God will provide that has been made clear and so now we wait upon the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart! sometimes i will talk about what's happening to you and lots of times all i get back are opinions when all i need is an ear to listen. honestly i'll ask for an opinion if i want one so please don't offer it especially if its about what you think we should be doing in reference to physicians and treatments. trust that we are not stupid and its so insulting to have people we love question our choice to not be more aggressive with treatment. hopefully this will grow all of our faiths and help us to remember that God is big and the outcome for all of this will be beautiful.

so here's the big question... do i post this to facebook or just let it be a venting blog meant for only me. hmmm.